The Last Words,

I remember when we first met. I see you as a friend. You see me as your victim of love in eternity. I placed a spot in my heart for you. But you're leaving. I understand. We knew this will come, right? My actions makes it happen more faster. I thought it would be, we would be perfect. Me, him and you. Together forever happy times all the time. But I realize that everytime I think of something, it'll occur in the opposite way.

Before I began, I wanted you to know that I do want a distant apart between us. Remember our fights when I like you friend? Twice we fought. About the same thing. But then you fight for us. Deny to let distant's presence in our lives. I find that amusing. But what is happening now? I can't lie that I miss you. You've been my friend for four years now. You were there with me through thick and thin. I remember all the gifts that you gave to me. Teddy bear, key chain, chocolates, bag, shirt, and a ring. I lost in one time. You gave me yours and im sorry, I lost yours too. Not by mistake. I attended to lose it. It's pain to wear it and I don't know why. I was in a hotel on my vacation with family. As we are leaving, I left it on the desk. I was moved by my feelings that you are leaving me away. If it is because of him, you must did it for a reason, right? I know you well.

He is the one. I wont let you down. I know it'll never work between us if he or any of our mates are around. Jealousy always wins. I'm sorry to end this way. I always love you as a true friend.

Forgive for my mistakes. I know you'll do the same as I do if you're at my place. I hope I'll see you in the future :') Remember our promises? At the age of 20-22, I'll search for you to show my life to you and how it goes? I will wait for the moment :)

Give my regards to your dearest girlfriend. And to you :)

Farewell.,

The Great Escape.

Escape. Either from a problem that doesn't want to be solved. Or from a beautiful breakaway from the present to enter the beautiful future. It occur only when the problem becomes our bestfriend and our patience become our enemy. We think alot and plan alot. And it leads to the great escape. Every ones have their own plan in escaping from the chaos. A vacation, honeymoon, or maybe just a cup of tea at the diner by the corner just to sip those tea so that the warmth will wash away the tragic. The question is, when. When will it occur? Did you plan it well or just bought the ticket to freedom for a while 10 minutes ago? When.. that's all matters.

Some place new. Some place safe and sound. Some place where the leaves falls down onto your shoulders. Any place that could set your heart the peace that you always wanted. Always needed. Some place that no one disturbs you. No matter how stubborn you are. You don't even care who you are leaving behind. As long as you have the peace in your mind and heart. Because you are tired of getting scold or advised. You need to break free.

But obstacles always gets to you. Either you are sick or locked. Locked in a family world where your parents are your permanent guardian. And so, you can't escape.

Because they took things from you. Made a decision that yet you have not notice the agreement. Where they took your peace. Your private place where you can be yourself. They took it. You denied. But not with act of cruelty, but with the silence in the heart so deep they can't see. Day by day, in the end, they are mad because you are selfish for not letting your peaceful place to be shared with someone else. Even if its family.

Arrogant. Selfish. You can call me anything. But think back before you say things. The great escape. You crave for it. I want it. To be alone. Work alone. To be left alone. I'd rather be alone and knowing they are happy than be with them and feeling that I don't deserve to be watched. Be cared. I have my needs but everyone have a wants. And my wants are for freedom. And peaceful only I crave for. I long for. Its been washed away. And I haven't been given a chance to even say.

Freedom Strikes

It strikes me since I walk out from that gate. Gate of freedom. From an experience I faced 11 years of my life. It wasn't a good experience yet I even hate to call it a memory. Despite the lessons and classes I find bored and tough. The minds drowned the school somehow took me to a dive with them. I face anger, violence, arrogant, selfish and cruelty in a person's feedback towards me as I enter their border. I begged nothing but sympathy from them to let me finish my school silently. But somehow God answered my prayers and sent me to Bukit Jelutong to finish my school year. The obstacle I faced for 10 years made me think I should be a little wise to face the school that year. Somehow I did. To be unknown I survived from all the bullshits and pains that I have lived for many years. I planted a maze in my heart so that the students and teachers will be lost from breaking my heart. I nailed it. All I ever did was focus on my biggest exam. Sacrificed my free time, love and in wanting to be known. And despite the chaos I faced myself and the tears have fallen from my cheek because of loneliness. I manage to break free without picking up the pieces they may break. I survived.

Its just a school. How can I survive in a college world? Or if I have the chance to go on an over seas how can I survive from it? What about this relationship I wanted to stay in? How can I manage to stay long with all the bullshits and fights me and him will be facing? Those things, I never stop thinking about since I walk out from that gate. And I realize because of that I've become so arrogant and not tolerate in some cases even selfish took control in me. I felt like the world wins against me.

I tried to change. I tried not to make the same decision ever again. I even continue showing my love to him eventhough my mind thinks otherwise. What I've become, is because all the things I disagree keeps striking me like a thunder bolt. What I've become, is because of the bullshit I have to accept. I felt stronger because I am tired with all the nonsense the universe have made. I watch movie all the time because I admire the main character's courage in facing obstacles. Because of them, makes me feel stronger and invincible. I watch The Notebook, Titanic and Armageddon hundreds of time so that I can plant the courage, patience and loving in me so that I can sacrifice myself to the ones I love. This strikes me since I walk out from that gate.

And all the songs I listened. I listen because it comforts me. Send me to a beautiful world with an amazing feeling. I cant live without them. Because I will forget how it felt to be amazing.

I am scared to face the world. But no matter how awful it is in my head, I never imagine a person stand beside me. I wanted to face the world alone. Because I don't want the person I love felt what I feel. Because I rather don't see them in the end than watch them gave up in facing the obstacles with me. I rather watch them love someone else when I got back than love someone else while sit beside me. I rather see them cry in missing me than cry in regret. I rather feel alone for a while and knowing they'll be waiting than feel alone forever because they walk away infront of me and never look back.

This feeling strikes me, along with the worry, scare and hesitate in knowing whats gonna happen in my future. It strikes, since I walk out from that gate.

IM NOT A LESBIAN. hahahaha

You are not like the others. You didn't set the fire in me. I never had a friend who is kind as you. Gentle, crazy as you. I never found a person who is as alien as me. With you, I finally feel what is like to have a true friend.

You once told me that you will never leave here anymore. Moving to Penang, right? I was a little bit down. Yeah SPM is almost over and you are moving away. I had to delete all the plans I want to spend with you.

You are a liar. Don't deny it. You are. You lied to make everyone feel better. And let your inside hurts and crush into pieces. That's why I never believe you. Because I can feel what you are feeling inside. And I don't know why. At first yeah it sound crazy. I didn't believe it either. But I felt it. Kau ingat kau sorang je lehh baca mata aku? haha

Without you I'd never get what I want. I never get Zikrul if it wasn't about you. Your courage. Braveness in waiting for him is just unbelievable thing to even believe. I admire that. I thought it only happens in the movies but I cant believe it happened right in front of my eyes. Unbelievable! I waited for Zikrul. With a help of my two bestfriends. I have him in my arms now. Because you showed me the courage in not giving up. I didn't gave up. Come on laa. Syafinaz Zamry liked a person and didn't do anything for more than a week -.- If im a Hollywood artist, im sure its a big hit in the news. The point is I didnt give up. Because you didnt too.

I have him in my arms. You still kept waiting. You wanted to confess. Im helping. But a long the way I know there is so much pain you have to carry. The reason Im blogging right now is for you to read and to know that Im here with you. Im worried sick here.

After the confession, you know im still and will always be your eyes in being the owl beside his bed. Watching his every move like the FBI's. As long as you want me to. Cause it hurts laa to see you like this.

We could kill him together ;)



FOR YOU.

This Girl,

This Girl, She is living a life full of secure and love from her family. She has a brother and sister who willing to light up her sorrow. Her mom and dad who accompany her to the right path. And Allah swt guide her and her family to the way. It was perfect. So perfect. Until, 

He has a messy hair, wear specs while studying, handsome and white skin color, has a slim body-type and tall. She fall for him deeply. His ways of laughing and attitude towards her is simply beautiful. He starting to notice her. They became close. Closer than ever. Until his friends start to notice his weird attitude in treating her in a special way. And this words popped out and been heard by him "do you like her?" For her, the day was beautiful. The next day, she cant wait for her new day with him again. But he changed. He didnt look at her at all. He became the Stranger to her. She wondered why. "Maybe he has problems of his own i think" Positive. That's what kept her strong. 

2 and a half years she thought positively. His ways towards her never change. You see, I admire this girl. How often you find a girl who is willing to think positive towards a boy who became her hero and the next day vanished. Its like getting a beautiful dream that comes only in a dream. And there I was, appeared in her life. I taught her a lot. About dealing with sadness and pain. I love her just the way she is. She is funny. Thoughtful, kind and generous, not to mention crazy? The craziest person I have ever known! But she never let me down or not to laugh in one day. And seeing her like this, really brought my spirit up. Because of her, I got my crush in hand. I waited. 

"Im giving up" Words cant describe how let down I am. Those words came from her really shocked me. Why? How? Why??? Yes it is killing her. I could kill him too just to let him taste the fire. But why? After 2 and a half years hoping and waiting.. Come on laaa he didnt even know the truth. 

I respect her decision no matter what. And his attitude of keep coming back never stop. He came again to tease her like always. He have the chance to just leave but he didnt. She said he hate to ever like her. But why when he had a chance to just go, he didnt do it. He keeps coming back... So now let me ask you, Girl. Why? 

I want you to feel your heart and ask your sorrow, what should I do? and let me  know.

Please,

The war in Gaza, Palestine are happening now. I know I can't stand up and fight physically, but I hope you all support me, fight mentally.

This war is not about Muslims, Jews, Christians, Buddhist, Hindus, Atheist nor other religions. It's about killing innocent people, kids, oldies, ladies especially pregnant mothers. Imagine if one of them is actually you. 

Put yourself in that situation and I bet you will beg for the whole world to help you with prays and sympathies. I speak up as a HUMAN BEING from my religion, Islam. And I want people around the world to fight this war with all of our prays.

You might not be a Muslim, but you are a human being will full of care towards children, mothers, who are killed and bombed, burn with no mercy. We might not have modern weapons, but we have the strength to stand together to fight this war with our prayers. Stand up, do your prayers no matter what your religion is. 

Stand up. Prove to the world you still have those humanity in you. Care towards the poor children and mothers, soldiers who died fight for survival. Why is it so hard? You just have to stand up and pray.

Sincerely, 
A girl with faith in humanity.

Week 1, done.

Bahasa Malaysia, English, Sejarah, Mathematics.

Done those four subject. My shoulders gets lighter everytime I walked away from the examination room. This week is the most tragic week. I wept, laugh, panic, exhausted, emotional, hesitated a lot. Okay look. I realized. I realize that life isnt easy as it seems. I think alot. What will my future would be or what will I do. Maybe life in organized mode isnt working for me. I fought. I stayed away from remembering what happened in the past. Because what's the use of crying over a spilt milk?

I am still fragile. I don't know what to say anymore.

The last 9 days and one month,

I want nothing but to be a symbol of proud in my parent's eyes. A subject for my mother's conversations in her daily lives. A memory for my father to be wept on. All this years I wished nothing but to be a hope by my father's expectation. Expectation of wisdom and loyal. What more could you want than be a diamond in your father's eyes? This year is my chance to shine. Another 9 days of preparation and a month to struggle. Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia is all I could depend on. I thought I can give my father the result he ever wanted. Because after this I will continue my journey with the life I wanted, the life I had plan, the life I ever dreamed of. But he want more. And that, I'll think about it after 9 days and one month.

 I'm a girl with a structure of life. I never left things unplanned. But after what I had heard from my mother about my life that I had plan, all of it, the plan, ruined. I am scared. I have to change course. Yes I have an option, I can make my decision. But it's my father. The only person I never disobey. He is never wrong and always right. His words are well predict and his thoughts are the thoughts of a king. He is my king. And I must obey. I never disobey. But I just can't believe he stands in my way. And that too, I'll think about it after 9 days and one month.

 School. Im gonna miss school. Can't believe Im saying this but, yes I will miss school. I miss wearing those polite kurung, light blue skirt, adorable tudung, with badge on and those tiny blue badge shaped in circle above the school badge. Thank god I bought that cool varsity jacket. Plus I went to graduation. Formal one but best. Captured pictures with teachers and classmates. Gonna miss it so much. Much much more after 9 days and one month.

 Work. Now that is planned. Gonna work at Plaza Jelutong. Well not my future work. Temporary ones. Bakery store. I love baking. My ambition is to be a chef :') But, hmmm. Plus, I have to wait 9 days and one month to have my vacation at the beach with family! Gosh.. I just want to sleep at the beach and watch the sun set and rise :)  And car license. Planned that with friends. Hope they wait for me -.-' But must wait another 9 days and one month.

 Last but not least, Crush. Don't forget about my crush. Yeah he has a crush too. Since he have his own facebook now, I can see what he posted. And it is all about ' the girl '. Hurts though. I thought I wanted to ignore him. Because come on la, I love him but he love someone else and what is worst is I got to tell how I felt after SPM. And so does he!! He want to tell me who is his crush. Errr I wish to scream his name and say no thank you! My cousin accidently ask him who is his crush. My heart beat harder when he replied. I read and he said he will tell me after SPM. My heart pounds faster. Well I can't say "no dont say it!" can I? It will ruin the secret. Well I did but not straight foward but he insist. So I just have to buckle up and see where this goes. I have to be strong.

Well I wont ignore him. Are you nuts? I struggled 4 or 5 months to just watch him in distance and keep quiet. I just cant ignore :) I love him. And if he is happy, Im happy. I am :) So crush, just be who you are and dont worry!! I will be there in any situation. I'll love you for a thousand more :') 

 Lots of things awaits me after SPM. From my observation now, my life will be a hell of a life. But anything can happen right? Just pray miracle would come. The only good thing I wanted is to get out of those situations alive. And just hope for the best.


Days after 9 days and one month, please be gentle :/ 

Break Time !!!!

Okay! I have one hour with you guys!

My life is slightly better than usual.. Despite the chaos of SPM coming in 15 days!!!! I am just fine.. Well the better things started after I follow my instinct in saying the truth. Well I said it all out through Facebook. It counts, right? Well atleast the person reads it. Dont want to talk about that.
Anyway, my crush.. Yeah I like him still. Trying to ignore him is hard though. He keeps coming back. My graduation is coming and he is very close to me. Super close. Will post graduation pictures tomorrow ;)

I am feeling so excited right now. Because I am into someone. Not my crush. He is someone I met on social network. I smiled every time I look at him. Never actually meet him in person but he is something.. Hee :) If I coupled with this person, either my crush or this guy im into, till the end I promise you.. Till the end :) No more childlish drama. A mature relationship. Definitely :)

I love this one song. Its called Lightning Strike from Snow Patrol. Very cool tau... That is the exact type of song that I like. Just click Here to hear it :)

My life is okay now. Actually I got very little happened in my life if I got rid of SPM. Its coming. Studying like hell. I just hope for the best and expect nothing. Thats how I control myself from getting too crazy about it. I cried once because I answered Paper 1 Math. I got 20 out of 40. I nearly freaked out. But then I managed to calm myself and does alot of exercises. After this I got Math. Hope I wont cry again.

Getting fat. That's one thing. Can you imagine me studying 8 or 10 hours, sleep 6 or 5 hours, the rest praying, eating a day. I have to eat while studying because if i dont, I will be sleepy and I dont actually move myself often. So imagine how many percentage of fats stores in me everyday.  I cant even fit my jeans.

My hour is almost over. So thats all I guess. Wish me luck for SPM kay :) pray for my best. I really need it :) Good day and Good bye ;)

Colin Farrel,

Ermmm. Yes. Colin Farrel. After watched a film called S.W.A.T, my attention was on Collin Farrel. He played the role as a police officer along with many other actors which I didn't remember their names. That film was an old ones. But I do watched him acted in a movie called Fright Night. Hottest guy I know man. Like seriously. Yes there is a reason why I accidentally like him. Well no I didn't cheated on my crush. He cheated on me. Hahahaha. Okay fine he wasn't really officially mine but still. Yeah he likes someone else. It's a shame huh? Yeah I know. But life must go on. I don't go all shitty crying when I first found out. I mean it was meant to be.

Why Collin? That is just the way I feel now. Yknow, I went through a lot of shitty relationships and it turn out ugly. When I am broken, I met someone else and stuck with him and he hurted me and I met another someone else and stuck with him and so on. What do I get in the end? Hurted.

Mature absorbs me as I grow older every single day. So those past I went through makes me think wiser. Why must I cure myself with some reality boy who will eventually hurt me back? Yes there are others that is different but why must I hurt myself by accepting every guy that pops out just to wait for the perfect ones to finally can be with? How long? I used to be at never ever single mode. I started dating when I was 12. I stopped dating early 2012. Now open your palm and start counting your fingers. How many days and minutes does my heart broke?

Love and I, we will never be in the same page. I realize that. And I am tired of people who wanted to bring my spirit up by telling me never give up or just wait for the perfect ones to come. Well bull!! I waited long enough and felt heavier every single day just because I carried those burden. I wore enough plasters on my wounded heart. And eventually those stupid ones make it worst.

So why Collin? Because he is not reality. He doesn't come and go. I decide wether I want his presence by my side or not. Because he don't even know I exists. So yes he can't play my heart. Clever right? Well yes maybe a little insane. That is how gave up i am. 

So why Collin? My last guy, I call him Edward. We dated and I got hurt. I remember that one night, ermm I was still with Eddie at that time. I promised myself I won't love any other man. I gave up hope on those guys. Edward is nice. He really is. But it wasn't right. I left. But that promise I made, is still there. And so I had to go here and there with this broken heart. Cry after saw Eddie. And suddenly I watched a movie called Inception. And there was my first ever love with an actor, Cillian Murphy. After that, I looked at Eddie with nothing stabbed my heart. 

Why Collin? Now you know why. Crush is gone. Well not gone. Hard to forget this one though. Trying to. Watching Collin on tv and wallpaper of his in my phone. He even have a song. Luckily I can hear his voice over and over. 

So why Collin? Let just say that this girl got her own ways of curing her heart ;) 

Dreadful

It's my second week of Trial SPM. I know I am not a straight A's student because of my weaknesses in answering the questions. What I meant was my answering techniques. My spelling needs corrections, my hand writing is too small and neat. It makes the teacher's expectation is low towards me. I really need to change that and I only got 62 days left for the big month. There is a lot to do and a limited time. I know I can't do any mistakes anymore and stop spoiling myself. I have to.

When I took my History exam this morning, for paper one I kinda nailed it :) But for paper two, dreadful moment I tell you. I haven't study a thing the day before and I found out that my friend has a spot question. And she told everyone but me. Of course I got mad but I thought, that's a life circle and I have to deal with it but the nervousness absorbs me. What I did was pray to Allah swt. I had nothing to do left. But miracle came as the teacher asked me to switch place with my friend at the back. As just I collect my things and turned back, my friend that I switched places with is sitting next to him. What a surprise. I thank you to Allah swt. for those opportunity because I find peace when I am with him.

And so, I focused. Open the papers, ohh damn!!!! I don't know the answers. Thank you to Allah swt. again for the presence of my closest person in class sat near me. He and his friend helped me with those two question. Okay fine I cheated. What? I already told my mom kayy. Hihi ^^ But that was the only thing I cheated. The rest I did it myself and I did helped them back. I'm innocent ^^

But then again my weaknesses in answering techniques. My teacher read my answers and he shook his head saying that is major bullshit. I smiled and copied his actions. Hihi. Okay what am I supposed to do? Cry? It's a big lesson for me. Next time I have to make it right. I have to.

I have four papers left. What is sadden is that science, economi and perdagangan is in the same week on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Damn!!! Nice -.-

This is my sign of struggle. I can't spoil myself anymore. I have to work hard to achieve success. I have to. And I know, only Allah swt. can help me and myself.

I just wish I won't go nuts and shock weeks before the big month.

You,

Okayy, erm.. First time I saw you was at our class. My second day of schooling here at my new school. You came into the class. Your arm was wrapped neatly. My first expression was you are adorable and good-looking guy. But never ever thought of knowing your name.I wasn't friendly at that moment. Where I am just the new girl who is not trying to fit in to the class. Because that is who I am. But right after I heard news about boys there thought that I am not very nice person, I wanted to change it. And I did. For start, I participated in our class first event together this year. Painting class. Remember? Where I accidently got mad at you. I was so nervous to say sorry. Like seriously. You are the first person I ever say sorry face to face. I am so not joking :)

I still remember when I was painting the bottom wall, and you came with your thick long brush towards me and started paint the upper wall. I thought you were my friend and I was mad because obviously the paint that you brushed will eventually fall into me so I thought my friend pranked me. So I shouted and say that if those paint marked my clothe, you are dead. When I want to finish my sentence, I look back and saw you. I paused and you walked away, smiling. I felt guilty. I am really sorry :(

I still felt the guilt after three hours of painting. Then I decided to say sorry. I had my shots. It swept away beautifully as shyness attacked me. But when one of our friends started to show a scary video, I talked to you and explain and said sorry. And you laughed. That laugh was so perfect and still are. We became close right? We talked and smiled at each other. I don't know why we stopped after that.

Remember when one of your friends liked me? You said that he like me with signals so that he didnt notice you breaking the secret? It was so funny and you are so cute. Where you texted me saying he liked me. I still have your number though. Well I know you changed it but still your name is in my phone. We still didn't get along after that right? You treat me like a stranger once more. I don't even know why.

There this one night I dreamt about you. It was a dreadful dream. I still remember. Ofcourse it is a scary dream. I was chased by a psycho and you popped to be my hero. You held my hand the whole time. You never let go. I woke up and said "weird". But I know it is just a dream. But what was weird is that I dreamt of you again the next night. We were in school like usual. I hang with my two best girls and you hang with yours, when the bell rang sign of recess, you came towards me and hold my hand. We enjoyed the recess perfectly and with you holding my hand the whole time. I woke up and said "this is really really weird".

Starting from then, you presence is marked. Everytime I looked at you, I remember my dreams and my world stopped spinning. Your laugh had become my cure of sadness. At first I thought, this maybe a side effect of loneliness and SPM shock. But it wasn't. Few days after, you came towards my desk and my heart went down and got back up again. I was nervous. It was weird at first but then it got weirder after three days the same feeling I had everytime I saw you. I decided to tell my girls and my best friend. Which is your friend as well.

My girls went crazy! And start eye contacting you. It was funny and still are! They comfort me. But our bestfriend? Disagree everything. Well this post isn't a sad post so let just push it a side for a sec :')
Since then you became closer to me. I can feel that you know I am exist. I sneek peek to your eyes and it is beautiful honey :) The situation flows perfectly until that night.

The night in Burger King at Extreme Park where our class celebrate iftar together. Remember? You wore those hot colar shirt. That day is also a day where I embrace braveness in me to talk to you. It was and still the best night. Not just because of my time with my classmates but also my time that I spent with you. I still remember when our friend want to snap a picture of our classmates. Where I stood there with my girls and the person next to my left is our friend and then you. And a miracle came, our friend move her place to my right and there you are. At my left!!! Snap! best picture ever!

I still remember I mumbled. Remember where I put those secure cloth for the activity we had done? I forgot what the name was. I had to remove my pins and I told you to help me hold the pins. I mumbled honey. And you stopped me from mumbling more. I am so sorry again. I was so embarrassing! But you are too cute to make that memory vanish. After that, we still didn't get along right?

I miss you so much. I miss standing next to you. I miss your laugh while looking at me. I miss all of that. And so, I planned another Iftar for us and thankfully our friend arrange the dates and the place. And it is at your teacher's house. Another unforgetable memory :) Where you cut your hair right? It's weird. Because if someone that I love, cutted their hair, it would be a catastrophe for me. But you? You look really nice :) Ohh and yes. I love you.

You are the first person who took my dish. Thank you honey :) And if it is not because of my crazy two friends who I love the most make you stay there, our teacher's husband won't took a picture with us next to each other again. Again! Thank you Sayangs!!!! I can feel your arms. It is the same heat as in my dream when you held my hand. I just can't believe I still remember and I am not lying.

You are different. I never love a man and not having him as mine more than three days. You make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time darl. I won't forget those dazzling eyes when I gazed while we fought about our friend's question which was about reading Al-Quran without air sembahyang. Your eyes is remarkable. Despite all the chaos, I know I won't have you as mine. I knew it. And so I wont let my 64 days of schooling without disturbing and gazing you because I won't be after that.

No matter what happens, I still love you. Even though you didn't know about it. Thank you for this opportunity. And don't worry, no matter what happens, I am okay. Because I know, everything happens in this tiny world of mine, Allah swt. destined it for some reason. And I accept it with an open heart. Even though it has to be broken :')

That's the way I role now,

Food

Since I am back home, after had a Raya vacation for one week at Kelantan, I am back with the new me. Food. I love food. Well I only adore certain foods that have characteristic that I like. But can you imagine the taste that you swallowed everyday? Did you eat it like a hawk or crush those buggers into little pieces like licking an ice-cream? In this world, there are two types of people. Whom eat to live and whom is live to eat. Models, women basically eat to live. I was that person though. I am scared of being fat and I hate it. But now, look at me. Chubbier than ever. Not a fatty. Just not so skinny like I used to. And I kinda like it. I look alive. Well not like corpse. 

Western food is the best. Chicken chop, Lamb chop, pizzas, lasagna. Love them so freaking much. Although I can't eat them regularly but when it comes in biting them, automatically I see heaven. Pizza that is cheap and delicious is at Dominos Pizza, bored but Pizza hut is the best. But the best out of the best is at Secret Recipe. Their Three Cheese Spinach Lasagna is spectacular! The way the cheese melts in your mouth and the crunchyness of the spinach explodes in your mouth! Really good food. Really is. The best lasagna is at Secret Recipe Sunway Pyramid. Best. Because they melted the cheese perfectly. 

Three Cheese Spinach Lasagna :)

When it comes to the meal of the day, its gotta be the Subway. I always love food between bread. When I heard Subway is in town, I rushed to it and orded. The freshness of the veggies is breathtaking. Yknow. I hate veggies. But Subway makes it irresistible. I know for sure I'll be eating that everyday if I own a driver's license. Like seriously.  Beside their Sandwich, I love their cookies. Macadamia Nuts cookie and Dark Chocolate is my all time favorite. You should try it. Very good :) 

I stop being skinny because Im afraid. Beauty is only skin deep. It doesnt show and express out our personality. So why do we have to be beautiful on the outside to be seen but in your heart, you are trapped and actually, you are unseen. Unseen by people towards your heart. Just be who you are and instead of who you are not. I realize that now. And I love food. I know I have a limit. Dont you worry ;) Just be who you are and be pleased. Because its your world you are living in. Not others. 

Ohh and before I go, I would like to say that I am a huge fan of Chocolates!!! My all time favorite : 

 

Toblerone Swiss Milk Chocolate with Honey and Almond Nougat

I am better now,

I was born in 21 August 1995. In a car where my mum suffered enough, I laid on my mother's chest while my grandfather drove us to the hospital where our umbilical cord still attached. She waited for 45 minutes for a doctor to end her misery. I suffered a bad fever at the age of 2 weeks and now I am perfectly healthy. At the age of 6 and below, my family move place to place. Because dad was unemployed and mom worked as a waitress at grandpa's restaurant to support her 3 young girl's. At the age of 7 and above, we stayed at Labuan, Sabah where our lives turns upside down. We had our vacation every month with resorts and big pools. It was a glory. A huge tremendous beautiful moment. But I was very little to notice the black spots in our picture.

At the age of 12, I moved to Bukit Jelutong, Shah alam. Lived there for three years. The first place I ever be friend with a girl, who I chose to be my closest, Sharmine. At the age of 15, I moved to Bandar Tasik Puteri, Rawang. Where I suffered enough. But I have been saved by my one true love, Anas that is now long gone. He said to me once "Be cruel sometimes, throw your heart away when it alerts a sign of a broken heart, be kind to someone who is kind to you and don't ever listen to what your enemy says". Those words effected me till now, where I was called "the no hearted girl". People talked about me behind my back and the whole school hates me for Allah's gift of my facial and physical appearance. 2 years of survival. But that school did finally punched me down when my bestfriend Zuraidah, ignored me and be friends with another

At this current age, I moved to Bukit Jelutong back, crave for escape from that treacherous school. Moved at December 2011. A year where I call Transformation year. Regret for all the mistakes I'd made and all the people I left. January, where I was still fresh in this area, coupled with some random guy I don't even know his last name. February, try to make a change. Where I coupled with a bad boys with a sweet heart that turns out to be so vary, the sweet heart is actually a sweet words that he used to set a trapped. Also where I had a huge fight with mom and disobeyed her will for something I want as a teenager. March, met a guy whom I call Edward. The candle to my heart and the savior to my sorrow. Broke up with Wolfy because of mother. The same month where I find Bukit Jelutong was and still now a 70% match as Bandar Tasik Puteri. What is different is that this people talk behind my back silently without disturbing my ears. For that, I bow with respect.

April, had a conflict with Edward until June. Where the school thinks Im a whore that waits for a service from Romeo. His facial appearance leads to a nickname of a Romeo in school. Me? They thought Im a "Minah Rempit" because my last school was in Rawang though I don't even own a bike. Mother forced her daughter to wear Tudung where I disagree for a forever wear because of my social life that had became a usual thing for me. So its hard for me to change in sudden. I disputed. July, crashed to a single world. Focusing on SPM. Tried to be more friendly with my classmates. For 11 years I schooled, none of them gave me a family in class. So since its my last year, I want to make a difference.

Current, August. Happy for whom I am now, single and not available. Joined two gatherings with my classmates, became close friends with my two crazy entertainer in class. Not being sociable outside class. Afraid of getting known. Studying hard enough for my SPM. Bought a beautiful Baju Kurung for Raya. Having a crush in class where I can put a smile on my face before I sees his. Like what Afiq said "your mood changes according to his appearance. If he is here, you're hyper as heaven can be. If he isn't, hard to see a little sincere smile on your face".

First, I collect three most wonderful yet trustworthy close friends that I won't forget. Second, I am mature enough to not being fooled by love. Third, I have my own family in school. Fourth, I have my crush that has become the state of my heart. Fifth, Im facing no more trouble. Sixth, I finally can let Afiq go from his responsibility and my lust of him always stay next to me. Seventh, I finally felt free by letting Afiq free. No worries on how his girlfriend would feel and how I felt so terrible. Eighth, I am better now.

Going short ;)

I schooled for 11 years and passed through alot of weird chaos and drama queens. Exams I faced, result I weep in. And now, another 110 days left for me to get through my last two exams in my school life. No more uniforms nor big bags. School books that I have to carry nor big and cute little pencil box of mine. No more drama I have to face and walking home from school every damn day. I wish nothing but to break free from those unseen prison. I crave for nothing else. 

Although SPM will be tough. I bet it will. For just to pass, its a piece of cake. But for geting A's, I'll be damned. With my teachers just getting started to play the game after 8 month warming up. I just got an example essay paper for Bahasa Melayu target A+. Boy it is so freaking hard. And I have to master it within this 3 month. Economi subject? Struggle for tuition, like other subjects. With my lack of time and lazyness embracing me. Gosh I am not well prepare. I guarantee that. 

Love? Nahh I leave those stuff after Wolfy left. So it is not really important although I am having a crush on someone ;). Better not saying the name or it may throw a paint and become a disastrous picture in my heart. Well for a girl ofcourse I want it right? Haha. I am single long enough. Well, I don't know. Just don't want to talk about it. 

Studies. Hahhh!!! Lack! Stupidity! I still have to carry two books instead of one for studying. One is the questions and the other is the textbook. Is this straight A's SPM? No freaking way. Well I am trying. SPM man.. Goshh.. Painful exam ever. Mom is right. I regret for not start studying in form four. There is alot to work man!! Stress!!! 

What is it got to do with my tittle and this story? Haha. Well I cut my hair short. Like a Malaysian artist. Ermmm I think her name is Scha Yahya or something like that. Married to Awal Ashaari. Yupp.. Just like that plus my natural curl.. Haha. I am going short ;) 

Raya this year? I am thrilled. My baju Raya is waiting to be worn and I am waiting to eat my Grandma's rendang and nasi tomato :D Taking a bus at 15th august in the early morning and off to Kelantan till 23rd of august. 29th? TRIAL SPM. Yesss yess.. 

This year is a memorial year for me. I have my highs and lows. My loves and hates. Person I met and left. Things I've done. Love my class this year. Best class I have so far. Haha. At last!! My previous class? Aren't so great like this one. We gathered as a family. Crush I am having is in my class. Gues that is why it is fun is it? Haha. Just joking. But really, great and greatest class ever :) Maybe this year is my first year I ever pay for the Year Book. 

What else, ahhh about my self? Well I am getting fatter everyday. Chocolate became my bestfriend and also enemy. I have my double chin and cute chubby cheek. My bestfriends won't stop calling me fat. Family won't ever admit that I am fat. Well atleast I make them telling the truth right? Except my family ofcourse -.- And I cut my hair. Haha. I did mentioned it earlier right? Well yes I cut my hair. 

Last but not least, I have to admit, Im starting to miss back the people I left and left me. I am starting to miss most of them. Not all. Haha. Ohh and happy Ramadhan for all muslims and Selamat Hari Raya ;) 

Twitter,

Who design twitter? Was created by Jack Dorsey which is a very good looking man. Launched in July 2006. My sisters and friends always say to me "open a twitter account, do you have a twitter? dude, you are lame! go have a twitter". I was like shut up. At first I wanted to do a twitter after I graduate. But I opened it few days ago. And it filled with my emotional. Hahaha. This year is the most Drama Queen Year of mine ever! I have my highs and lows and there are literally nothing that I can talk to. Well accept with my bestfriend, but not all things I can talk to him. They seem like don't care. Twitter is like a paparazzi wanna be. But the difference is you want to be captured in their camera. Wanna be well known or even want to someone to contact you and hear you out. Twitter is for loners who needs attention. Well don't get me wrong, I am not saying you all are loners. It just that you want to be express things in many quantity till you are satisfy right? As far as I see, they post things 2 minutes each. And you must felt relieve right? That is Twitter are for.

People opened facebook, post something and close it. They will peek their facebook twice or more to see did anyone like or comment what they posted. Am I right?

But twitter, they post something and close it. They will open it again to post again and open again and post again. Till they felt this sense of relieve. I find that is really interesting.

So for me twitter is our new bestbuddy who let us share our feelings and let people know how we felt for them to get in to our lives more deeper.

As for me, I felt my relieve, well still I will look who followed me and will satisfy until it reaches 100. Hahaha.

Seriously! Follow me , click here :)

hahahaha :D

My first Commercial :D

    I was in shock after heard Pn. Milfarina told us that we have to make our own advertisement for the school's Advert Competition among the Perdagangan students. My classmates, had been arranged in groups and mine are with Farhani, Balqis and Najihah. The four of us got our title for the commercial and a product with the brand of our own. Pn. Milfarina chose milk product for us for a memorable commercial. Shit! My friends were already in panic while I am grateful I am not in the other teams. My product was easy, rather than my friend's group, Akid got frying pan for their product. I mean what will they do with that? The assignment must be sent in Tuesday and the task was been given on Monday last week. But I just started and finished two hours later.

    Late? You are damn right. Because my idea on the commercial failed. Three times. Let me tell you my journey.

I first planned a milk for a pregnant women, it was the plan. I don't know why but, my other group members didn't speak their words so I, as their leader, proceed the plan. And so I wrote the story, the pregnant woman felt tired as she saw the messy house, then she open the fridge and sees the milk. I called it 'Eddie'. Drank it and observed a little energy from the milk and completed her duty. Finally she sits down and saw at the edge of the room, she haven't finish do the laundry. She is so tired and as she wake up, her husband finally apear from work, said "let me", and she smile, me focusing at the milk on the table, and beside it has a word 'while waiting...'. The end. Perfect!! But there was a problem, I must shoot it in a peaceful and calm house. First thing I thought was Ikea. Yeah crazy but I have Asya who can drive. So I told my friends no worries. But I was wrong. Like usual and I regret that I should have see this coming, Asya changed her mood. Disaster! I have to find another place!! Called all my friends and group members, none of them can help me. I thought "is this an individual task? Shit". And finally I found someone who can help. But still, Asya!!!! Fuck I had to follow her schedule as she is the pregnant woman and my friends house, after the arguments, I canceled the plan.


Later, planned Asya, sat in a Cafe', lonely and wanted a company, as I sat beside her table with all the attention she'd crave for, I act all arrogantly with my looks, she stood up and bought a milk. After drinking it, she walked pass me and I felt her beauty. I was angry and anxious in finding out who had beaten me against my beauty? I followed her and so on all the people followed her. She felt weird and uncomfortable so she stops our chase and ask why, I was mad at her and mumbled all over and stopped, asked "what is that?" and she, out of nowhere, promoted the drink. And all the people surrounded her while leaving me behind. The end, was me looking jealously towards her at the left end and she was at the right end, drinking the milk with a handsome man beside her while the milk's bottle at the centre. Magnificent idea!! Yet, still a failure. Not because the crowd, I can make the crowd easily but the commercial wasn't the memorable commercial. It's a persuadable commercial. Shittooooo!!!!

Last idea was simple and I am in it, the main character with the group members. At the Cafe' again, I was sitting alone waiting for my friends to come while doing some works. After waiting and waiting, I went for the shop and bought a milk. I sat back and wright. My pen fell, fetched it up and reached for my milk and it was gone. Weird at first, I searched and searched but it wasn't there. So I bought another. Same, gone. For the fourth time I bought them and went missing too. As I was searching, I look back and saw all four of my milk arranged at my table written Hai :) on it, and there was my friends, apologising for being late. We all laugh and at the end, stated "(name of the milk).., bring us all closer together..). But still!!!! Failed!! Because? First, my sister is busy. She said she has an assignment to make yet I saw her watching Supernatural at iMac. Wow!! And second, my group members. Will they agree and come to the shooting place while they don't even help me? Million Dollar Question!!

     Finally, after all my fault of believing Asya and not preparing and plan as a group properly, I apologised and promised I'll do all the plan, shoot, edit. Well without the promise it'll still be the same but, what to do.. I did the commercial with my new model. Diya!! a freaking baby!! Haha. It was a blast and funny. Through out the journey, I realized, it's not the friends we must depend on, or a lousy sister. It's our family that always have my back. And now, I am posting this while drinking the milk, at my spinning-the-mind iMac, breathing smoothly because I finished my commercial and got a good respond by my sisters. A wild respond actually. I planned, arranged, took care of the heat and edited it. And for me, this individual task, even though I might not win, it is.. a blast :)

Daddy, Friends, Eddie and you.

Daddy,
   I wish you could see me crawling to be independent. I'm not saying I hate living with you, or tired of saying "hai Daddy" till you look at me and smile widely. I know you hate being apart with your girls. Loosing Wani is hurt enough. I know. And I love you more and most than anything in this world. Me wanting to be far away from home is to feel living alone. Be responsible in everything. I want to feel hungry alone and suffer alone. I want to find my own way of pleasure and safe. Your money you'll give me next year, I wanna learn how to use it well. I know we mustn't waste our advantages here at home but daddy, I wont be at home forever. Please, let me learn how to live. I wish nothing but you praying for my safety and secure from Allah s.w.t.

Friends,
   Your presence in my life, is a blessing. I love being around you, be apart of you. Im sorry I cant show you my all as I being so shy around you for the short period of time. I know I'd never wanted to show you my all inside. But im trying so please give me time. Afiq, you being around me to keep me safe is a grace from the angel's prayers. Your ways of talking, plant a flower on my face as it grows wider and wider and bigger everyday. You are the most precious man I ever met. Your love and secure is too valuable to be waste. Im sorry for the stupid past I'd make. Despite all the things that have been written in our diary of life, Im so grateful to be one of your best person that had ever popped out from your sight. Sharmine, I may not be the bestfriend ever, but I think of you everyday, miss you everyday. With your armies following you wherever you go, ofcourse jealousy haunts me inside, well, they are lucky. Hope for the best in you. I love you. And as for others that are close to me, Im sorry for the things I'd say that offended you. Please correct me if im wrong. Dont keep it inside. Because of you, Im a better person than before.  Remember this guys and girls, my ears are open for you, my sympathy always accompanies you. Just be brave and fight the chaos in you. And let me inside your heart for me to heal the pain.

Eddie,
   You really changed me. I found love in you. I know what love is by just being around you. I know the situation keeps us apart. We had our fights, moments of waiting and jealousy. But by those things, we'll always know that we loved each other. Im sorry for the things I'd done in the past. Leaving you is the stupidest thing I ever made. But because of your kind embracing you, you're willing to take me back. And for that Eddie, I will try not to hurt them again. 184 days left eddie. For us to combine as one physically, and live this world as we know it. As we planned it.  Just please Im begging you Eddie, understand me, love me, and be patient towards me. I don't want to be hurt again. My love for you is just too strong to be broken.

And as for You,
    You have your world arranging at your fingertips. Your dad gave you enough facilities for you to succeed. SPM is just around the corner. Dont be stupid. This is your last try Finaz, your last year to prove to everyone that you can do it. Its good you've change slowly. Its a record for you to answer math exam and cant finish it because of the time. Mostly you answered it 30 mins and the rest you fly to your nightmares.And punishments made by you? Good job. And the whiteboards you just bought and daddy paid, waste your marker on it girl.. What about books you've been reading? Since when you can read Sejarah more than 10 mins? Usually that's the cure of your sleepless moments. And your interest in holidays and facebooking, movies and video games now long gone? I'm surprised you replaced all that and filled it with praying and studying. Punishing yourself for the good terms. So don't stop worrying. Keep worrying till you faint. That'll keep you going, you spoiled brat!
( the most weirdest advise ever -.- )


But, yeah. I'm keeping my balance up  ^-^

The Histories.

Means " Sejarah " in malay right? The subject hated by most of student here in Malaysia. Including me ;P Im a big fan of Hercules. And I understood it perfectly. That Hercules is a DemiGod. Son of Zues. The God of the sky. But is it true? Disney is a fairytale right? So i did some research about it. About Zues. And I found out that Hercules is the son of Zues. But Zues also had other childrens. One of them is Perseus. Familiar? Have you watched Percy Jackson? Thats a character of Perseus. So no. Perseus is not the son of Poseidon that has been written in Percy Jackson's movie. But Perseus did kill Medusa. Not because she has the stone of escaping from the Underworld, it is because Perseus was sent to kill Medusa by Athena's command. Athena is Zues's daughter. Athena did so because Medusa is pregnant by Poseidon. She asked Perseus's help to kill Medusa. And when Perseus chopped Medusa's head, she gave birth to Pegasus, Son of Poseidon. Well Pegasus didnt created by Zues for a gift to Hercules like in the Disney Hercules have described. But Pegasus did became a Rider Of Gods. Annabeth, daughter of Athena is only a character created by Rick Riordan in his book titled " Percy Jackson ". Perseus is married. Not to Annabeth. But to Andromeda. Perseus saved Andromeda from divine punishment from her mother's bragging. Her mother, Cassiopeia was beautiful yet arrogant for her beauty. She put Poseidon in high temperature when she said that she is more beautiful than the Nereids, the Nymph-daughters who often seen accompanying Poseidon. So Poseidon wanted to punish Cassiopeia. But then Cassiopeia used her daughter, Andromeda as a sacrifice for her survival. So Poseidon agreed and chained her to a rock at the sea and sent a monster to eat her alive. But came Perseus to save her and so, she became Perseus's wife.

Ahhhh!!!! I remembered it clearly!! Why can't I remember " Sejarah " in my school textbook like I remembered this history of ancient romans?? This story above is quite complicated. I read half of it. I ignored Hades's stories and Zues's wives and parents. and 20 minutes ago I watched " The Da Vinci Code " and now want to do research on Jesus Christ and Piory of Sion. I didnt because I know I have my SPM coming up and I'm reading about histories that is out of school chapters. And remembered it well !!!

There is so many things you can do in Internet. Not about Facebook or Twitter. Despite all that, you can find about things you could'nt even imagine to find out. Like Ancient Roman Gods, King Solomon's journey of life. I do some research about him because in my old tuition, my english teacher told a proverb " as wise as king Solomon ". How wise is he? In the power of internet, I knew that King Solomon is a prophet. He is also known as Nabi Sulaiman. I also know that he died without people knowing. And I read about Nabi Yusuf. And even about angler fish because my friend told me that angler fish suck up all organs in their mates to reproduce.

Internet is all about updating status or update your next gossips. Its all about knowing the world closer by one simple ' research ' ;)

Megara :)

recognise her? It's Meg from Disney Hercules :) 

I watched Hercules hundreds of time for the least few weeks. I love it because of Hercules's teacher. He is hilarious. Scenes that is funny never escape from my laugh. I laugh it everytime it comes by. But through that moment. Meg's solo captured my attention. Her song in the movie called " I won't say Im in love " really amazed me. It brought my spirit up. Im living an empty life now and with her song on my Galaxy that keeps repeating in my music player make me realize that Im not alone in this world that is living in a lie. What'd woke me up is that in the end of the story, she owns Hercules. She is trapped in Hades deal. Because she sold her soul to Hades to bring back her boyfriend's life. But her boyfriend ran away to another girl. With Hercules breaks her free. And with her being in silence about her love to him survived her from Hades's cruelty towards both of them, I know I must embrace patience in me and also silence. And with that, I may break free too :)

 Her courage and heart is so strong. She just go with the flow :) 

I hoped I would be brave as her. Eventhough she is only a fairytale character, she really brought me up :)

I woke up.

I have one teacher in school that surprise me so much. Her ways of thinking amazed me. Balqis said that if I tell her my problems and she respond, tears might fall from my desolate eyes. Well if she teach at my old school in Rawang. She'll be busy all the time advising the students. They might have to take number in turn. But I've never go to her and speak. But her ways of finding the truth got me ruin the secret. I dont mind her reading me. Im just glad she never ask me about my problems. Problems... Yeahh. I used to be a loner. Eventhough boyf is out of number, Im still a loner. Actions speak louder than words right? Well boys never captured it right. They just smile and go dumb all of the sudden after hearing me say sweet words or I LOVE YOU to them. Wait, hear?? No. Reading me say.. What a dumbo. Sweet words in text message is all it takes to. They're not awake yet. Awake to know the real world's core. But there is some of them woke up. That is the person to embrace don't-care attitude in them. People never miss chance in gossiping. I don't know whats the point to gossip really, Like I said, they're still asleep. I just wanna come towards them and said whats the point of talking behind someone's back? Did you get medal for it? Straight A's maybe? But whats the point really? Im not a bitch like them. That don't-care attitude really hug my spirit tight :).Gossip?? they talk bad things behind my back. Why? Because they dont have the balls to admit. Like I said, they're still asleep ^^

I LOVE YOU, FOREVER, TILL THE END.. Words I never believed in. I did two month ago. Why I didnt believe it now?
I thought me leavin that cruel school and came back to my old school is a new beginning of escape from bitches.. But, like I said, they're still asleep. Took away my love. Eventhough he still loves me and text me, I cant feel it anymore. I cant explain why, But through that 2 month, I felt stronger. But, a broken friendship may be soldered but will never be sound. There goes the new me walking towards BJ.

I got hit real hard this year. Obstacle is one thing, Broken hearted is another. They took my happiness. He took my heart. Sympathy? yes I have those. Loyal and trust? Sorry I cant find it in my dictionary. Because somehow I woke up.

The Guy.

He was just a guy in my class. A guy that I find nothing special on. Well it was. Now? He is something special beneath my heart. His ways of laughing that reflected mine. His smile touched my soul. He is no popular or important to people. But somehow he become important to me. Starting from then, I kinda like him a lil :) . But love for me is just a painted flower in canvas of life. It stays there and never blossom. I know my heart for him will go no where as Im stuck here in the teenage world. And for him liking me is just a snowman in a summer. But his appearance, attitude makes my heart grow fonder. He always tease me everytime in class. How can I stop liking him? But him teasing me, I know deep down in my heart, I like it. But this one day, my friend ask him if he like me or not. I was just there with them. And he said no. Adding some words that describe how impossible for it to be true. My heart suddenly went down. Cry? no im not a baby. Scream? no I dont want to be crazy. Silent? yes that is all I can do. I dont think he knows I like him. He probably like my friend in class. I caught him looking at her a thousand times. But she said Im just so inlove till I got jealous of him checking on another girl. Well speaking of another girl, he have one. But they seem to be close and not a couple. I dont know wether he still like her or not but for sure. I hate them both cuddling at the canteen.

The way he treat me and the way we laugh is just something bright for me to happen in one day. Till my emotion become so weak I think I had shown my heart to him. And he somehow shocked and stayed away from me. Why he would do that? Does he like me or like me just a friend so that he can tease everyday? Or he is still loyal to his ex? I slowly thinks Im a kite without an owner.

But my friend here, well she is expert in love as she goals it many times. She said that we like each other. But the obstacles facing him makes him think that this is not the right time to play with love. So he spend all his time he have to tease me. Cruel?? yeahh. but for me, please Fifi, dont ever stop :)

Yes I agree.

I used to wear shirts, jeans and sneaker. Free hair with a lil touch up on my face. Eye liner and lil powder. Sometimes with snowcap or a cap on my head. With a leather jacket. My style? Simple and cool :)

She used to wear a dress-like shirt, skinny and high heels. Free hair with fringe and eye liner. Love to put lots of accesories. more like a barbie korean kinda style.

People always say we are alike. But i disagree. I hate barbie and korean. She thinks leather jackets are lame. I think high heels is painful. She thinks sneakers is freaky. Why people said we are the same? I love playing with my hair. She never touch it so it stay still. I mean are you blind??

But with our new look. Yes. We are same !! My god. I cant tell which one are me. Haha. but she still wear high heels and lots of accesories. Me?? sneakers and jeans :) But our face, DAMN! Look alike. But she is wayy prettier than me. Thats for sure.

I like our new looks. Hope we are blessed by Allah s.w.t :)

A beautiful life.

If only I could have the ability to breathe in and out of water, So that I could be friends with the mermaids and gave them light beneath the surface of the Atlantic oceans. If only I could have a pair of boots that is water proof so that I can wear them to the world. If only I have a jeans that always a pocket full of money so that I could travel the world and see the meaning of nature. If only I could plant a strawberry tree that would never die and pluck it whenever I want. If only I could have a leather jacket that always fits to my size and changes style according to the time. If only I have a bike that never runs out of juice. If only I was born by the land itself so that I could run free. If only my brothers are birds so that they could watch me above the skies. If only my sisters are winds so that they could dance with me during the spring. If only I could catch on a train reading novels and a stranger bump in to me. If only the stranger are beautiful like an angel fell from the heavens. If only I could have a peaceful disease that cause death so that I can see who truly loves me. If only I could have a stranger calls me every night to ask me about my day. If only my stamina never runs out so that I can jog all around the world. If only Prince Charming is here to fight for me. If only the people around me doesn't give a shit about what I'm wearing so that I could wear a beautiful dress all day. If only my hair can talk because they always comfort me. If only there was no buildings in the world so that I could picnic on the grass. If only there are no bugs. If only the politician could get along. If only I can fly at night to sleep on the clouds. If only I could meet a person who is meant for me and not even notice it. If only I could fight for my will. If only I can be apart of the world. If only humans treat each other right. If only I could scream and no one stopping me. If only I can climb mountains and see nature from above. If only I could swim so that I can swim the 7 oceans. If only I could never grow old. If only I could raise a perfect child. If only I could live with a man that holds me right. If only I have the guts to say I'm right. If only my dad knows how much I love him. If only my mom understands me. If only my sisters can protect me. If only my best friends can live with me.


And if only, just one only, comes true.

Shut my self up :)

You are just a nightmare in my dreams. Been sleeping for two years and haunted by your shadows. First it was all okay. Seen a little devil in you but I ignored my bad thoughts of you because I loved you. But then, I saw it. And you were cruel and still are. I solved all your problems. Never complained about it. But you just ripped me to pieces. The school fucked me for no acceptable reasons and I still came to school. But you, because of you, I'd never came to school after final exams. You throw away my spirit. 

And you. I loved you with all my heart. I understand you. Followed your will. But one long distance separation between us, you dropped us down. Thinking there is no way out. No future waiting for us. I got confused, stressed out. And decided to leave you because your concern was to much for me to handle. You think that this is the end. Dude, do you know what " future " means? Can't you just chill out and wait. Its not my will to leave and be far from your distance. I am under a parental care. 

I understand you guys. But what did I receive from you? Now I decided that I'll shut my self up when it comes to you. Blocked you from seeing your updates. Turning from staring to just take a peek. So that my heart wont hurt once more. And this is the best decision I've ever made.