It strikes me since I walk out from that gate. Gate of freedom. From an experience I faced 11 years of my life. It wasn't a good experience yet I even hate to call it a memory. Despite the lessons and classes I find bored and tough. The minds drowned the school somehow took me to a dive with them. I face anger, violence, arrogant, selfish and cruelty in a person's feedback towards me as I enter their border. I begged nothing but sympathy from them to let me finish my school silently. But somehow God answered my prayers and sent me to Bukit Jelutong to finish my school year. The obstacle I faced for 10 years made me think I should be a little wise to face the school that year. Somehow I did. To be unknown I survived from all the bullshits and pains that I have lived for many years. I planted a maze in my heart so that the students and teachers will be lost from breaking my heart. I nailed it. All I ever did was focus on my biggest exam. Sacrificed my free time, love and in wanting to be known. And despite the chaos I faced myself and the tears have fallen from my cheek because of loneliness. I manage to break free without picking up the pieces they may break. I survived.
Its just a school. How can I survive in a college world? Or if I have the chance to go on an over seas how can I survive from it? What about this relationship I wanted to stay in? How can I manage to stay long with all the bullshits and fights me and him will be facing? Those things, I never stop thinking about since I walk out from that gate. And I realize because of that I've become so arrogant and not tolerate in some cases even selfish took control in me. I felt like the world wins against me.
I tried to change. I tried not to make the same decision ever again. I even continue showing my love to him eventhough my mind thinks otherwise. What I've become, is because all the things I disagree keeps striking me like a thunder bolt. What I've become, is because of the bullshit I have to accept. I felt stronger because I am tired with all the nonsense the universe have made. I watch movie all the time because I admire the main character's courage in facing obstacles. Because of them, makes me feel stronger and invincible. I watch The Notebook, Titanic and Armageddon hundreds of time so that I can plant the courage, patience and loving in me so that I can sacrifice myself to the ones I love. This strikes me since I walk out from that gate.
And all the songs I listened. I listen because it comforts me. Send me to a beautiful world with an amazing feeling. I cant live without them. Because I will forget how it felt to be amazing.
I am scared to face the world. But no matter how awful it is in my head, I never imagine a person stand beside me. I wanted to face the world alone. Because I don't want the person I love felt what I feel. Because I rather don't see them in the end than watch them gave up in facing the obstacles with me. I rather watch them love someone else when I got back than love someone else while sit beside me. I rather see them cry in missing me than cry in regret. I rather feel alone for a while and knowing they'll be waiting than feel alone forever because they walk away infront of me and never look back.
This feeling strikes me, along with the worry, scare and hesitate in knowing whats gonna happen in my future. It strikes, since I walk out from that gate.
