Just don't..

I've been dating since I was 9 years old. We use love letters to express our love everyday for 3 years. I still remember his name as he is my first love. His name is Yusry and he has curly hair, skinny body-type with dark skin and has the brightest smile that god could ever give to mankind. It's funny really because I was so committed in the relationship. 3 FREAKING YEARS !! AND I'M ONLY 9!!

But that is the longest loyalty I ever committed towards love. Maybe as the age passes by we start to realize how awesome being a little kid is.
Some people say I'm a player. Where I used to date more than 3 boys at once when I was just 12 years old. Or never be single for more than 2 month when I was 16 years old and below. People kept remembering their longest commitment in relationship while I only remember I used to be single for only 2 months and 2 hours is the shortest. It's not that I love playing tricks on you boys its just I'm still young and dumb. I don't even wear makeup on my face at that time and you want me to be mature and lady-like? Bitch please..

I keep welcoming them into my heart and run away whenever I just had enough without true explanation. And that shows how immature I am and it really reflect my age doesn't it? I just don't know what to say!
The popular reason I told them whenever I wanna break up is:
   My mom doesn't like you
   You deserve better
  
For the first month it's a dream come true. The first 3 months it's like "why I'm still here?". And then there goes my acting. If Hollywood notice how good I am, I'll be receiving awards every year.
Any guy I know, I find attractive, I date. Like Harry Styles once said when he was 20 years old:
     " I have few friends that are girls... and I date every one of them"

But guy's brain is 2 years younger than girl's that is same age as them. So I understand why he react to relationship. Because I so too. But despite all those shitty relationship, there'll be one that hits you like a truck and make you never say yes again. That truck hit me last year and look at me now! Single and doens't give a fuck :)

It makes you think deeper that reflects your deepest wound in your ruined heart. It makes you stronger every minute you try to accept the fact that he left you and be done with it.
After changing my way of dating, I don't date anymore. Boys are jerk! Men is hard to find. I entertain my heart and soul by listening to One Direction and be a true directioner. I'm 1D AF! hahahaha. I'll be lying if I say I don't date or like someone for the time being. Proof?? Right now I like my 42 year old boss and I think I need to back off a little. That's beyond disgusting and inapproriate.

My guy friends used to say its the way I flirt that make boys think I'm available. But that just the way I role. I'm just gentle, polite, funny, like to laugh kinda bitch. But as the time goes by, I start to control how I act to men. Don't want to send the wrong message now..
But there's also guys who's too dumb to realize. If I say no, they say maybe. If I say maybe, they say yes definitely! But thank god wise men created sarcasm. It has become my middle name.
My respond towards men tend to fade. Day by day my sarcastic takes control in my social life. And I love it :) (keeps the jerk away ^^)

But there's time where I ignore completely if they're too dumb to realize and see. As wise man anonymous once said, "stupid people CARE, strong people FORGIVE, intelligent people IGNORE".
So if you really too dumb to still want me, just don't


Thanks for reading :)

.

All types of days ~

" A day could change a lifetime "

A quote from an anonymous. I wonder what the hell happened to him for this quote to be so popular during his time. If I was him, I'll tell you what happened....

As I sat in the car, moaning and disturbing my lil sister next to me as the boredom attacks with this long drive to Cameron Highland. Suddenly my ears caught this beautiful melody on the radio. Its beauty really catches my attention. Not many songs can do that on the first run. It was a song from One Direction, called You and I. Don't laugh bitches. Its the song. THE song that caught me in their fandom. The Directioners. Yes I am a directioner. How? Well after the fattening days in Cameron Highland, I listened to most of their songs and became addicted to it. People kept saying I'm a directioner at that time but I'm ashamed to admit it. Because I'm the kind of girl who will never ever look at one direction. I'm the kind of girl who listens to Artic Monkeys, Linkin Park, Techno, Hans Zimmer, Phillip Phillips, those type of music. My choice in romantic song is I wanna Be Yours by Artic Monkeys.
         " If you like your coffee hot ~ Let me be your coffee pot ~ "
         " You call the shots babe, I just wanna be yours ~ "

sexy right? :D

But One Direction. Really? The Best Song Ever, Kiss You, Live While We're Young and those fun and seductive kind manage to get my attention. With no reason at all! I just like it for it!! It's not because of the sexy boys even though I'm mentally dating Harry Styles at the moment but its their song and their voice that elevates it to a whole new level. Its brilliant! It's so brilliant, I could not pick a favorite. Its hard to pick as their voice is like an angel. As a group!
Their songs are like a cuisine. A malay cuisine with rice and side dishes that includes fried chicken with sweet and sour gravy, top with fresh chopped veggies saute in oil,black pepper and all spice. Rice wont work without side dish. Chicken wont work without coated with breadcrumbs or mouth-watering gravy. That's how I picture them as a group. They need each other. If ever Harry Styles go solo and leave the band, I probably won't love his songs as fanatic as One Direction's.

Their song called Moment is the perfect way to explain what I'm mumbling about. Nevertheless, I always get excited for Louis's part in every song. Always add a kick to the dish ;)

And those are the days of my One Direction. It effects me throughout my life time with just listened to the radio on a long drive.
Moments. When it hits you it'll be there for the longest time. So as it crashes you. For those read my blog must know how my last breakup hurt me. It took me a year to forget how his love used to feel. Grateful for the presence of intense hatred, it helps me alot. And still are! I saw him twice after our breakup and I always get the chills whenever I see him around. The first time is at my class gathering for Hari Raya celebration. But he was far away but around. Whilst the second time he was at my face and it burnt my sorrow completely. I felt like slapping right across his face and be done with it. But thankfully I sat two seats beside him. Between us is my two guy friends who manage to block him out from my sight. 

I slowly accept his uninvited presence. But don't think I never want to slap him hard like Marshall slaps Barney. But I'm glad I got to glimpse his shitty little face. Yes a glimpse. I never look at him directly where there my hands would be with a lot of anger if he does. I just feel his presence and that's it. And Im glad. Glad to know I moved on and doesn't give a shit about him anymore. Thank you Lord :)

There were also the days where I want to spend every minutes of it soulfully which is my 5 days of vacation instead of 3 weeks. I have to start my internship earlier so here I am, blogging and bragging about my days in the office, opening two pages of Firefox so if there's a person walks by I quickly change between pages. 

It's boring here. I can feel how stupid I am, how empty my brain is. These guys minds expand like explosion, doing their work nonstop and thought only 5 minutes flies by but in reality its 4 hours gone. And here I am, waiting for lunch time to go to Subang Parade and luxuring myself for one hour.

And there's also the days where it doesn't change shit. Like how determine I am in being fit. I've been saying the same thing for the past 5 years and nothing has changed. Last night I saw how fat I am and did a little workout. Let see if it ever effect me again today shall we?

So there you go.. My beautiful shitty little days. Despite how shitty my days are, the beautiful ones saves me in million ways. One Direction has a new album coming up and their tour next year, whether I'm going or not I don't know. May Allah guide my path.
Truthfully, internship is fun as the colleagues are super friendly and love giving advises. Their experience reflect my future. And now I'm looking forward to see what'll happen after I dropped my phone on my way to work while riding my scooter down the highway as I watched it crushed by cars at my left side mirror today :)
I love my days..............



(didn't expect that..........)

Situations

I'm proud to be a Insurance student. I'm in love with Risk Management subject as I scored A grade in my final examination for my second semester. Even though risk management is my expertise, it can't take me to 4 flat results. My second semester is the most tragic one because 3/4 of the subjects involves mathematics. I HATE MATHEMATICS. Results were out. And I was devastated by it as my grade went down sharply. I'm just thankful I'm still above 3 pointer. I was lucky.
When you got to the situation where it is under your command, you have to sail with it. Because it's your ship. I sank myself by ignoring what's bothering me and focus on what's not. Now it's my price to pay.

I have to score with flying colors for my third semester. As all of the subjects involves Insurance topic but what about fourth semester? Fifth? Sixth? My favorite chef and celebrity once said " It's not how you start, it's how you finish ". And I want to finish strong.

Situation is a wide thing. Could be a crisis or something you can easily handle. I'm going through my short semester right now where I have only 5 weeks to bare. You can say it's easy and exciting because somehow Saturdays and Sundays comes so fast and I only have to bare 5 of them each to finish my short semester. You're wrong. 3 weeks period of time for 1 assignment has shorten to only 2 day. Today the lecturer gives assignment, tomorrow pass them up. Well I can bare with that because the subjects aren't that hard. Just full of presentations and paper work. But right now my class is handling an event for our Soft Skills final project. We gather as a team of event organizers and organize the event. I was excited when the lecturer wants a volunteer for the leader. I wish I could reach my hand up and commit suicide. But they chose my close friend to pick up the mess. And she is struggling with it. I offer myself as her assistant and she accepted.

What a chaos. Lots of decisions to be made and its up to her what's the answer going to be. Our lecturer is a zit in our ass. So annoying and her desire is like a bucket list. So much to say but so little opportunity to do. Rejected what I had offer because it wasn't right for her eventhough she said its all up to me because its my event not hers. Well, I guess she's sharing my mirror of leadership.
When a situation like that, it's not your ship to sail. But eventually you'll fall if the leader fails. I love her, the lead organizer. But some of her decisions I find so difficult to carry. Although I advice her so many times on whats right. But she kept doing childish mistakes. Well, its not my ship to sail.

It's hard when you know you can do something about it but you can't because you have no power. Like the event and my family's problems. I wish I could say to my dad to let them go. It's not your responsibility anymore. But I can't. Because my selfishness can't beat his generosity towards his family. I have lots to say but no voice to speak. What a shame.
I will always be scared against my father. He will always get one answer from me. No suggestions or second thought. I always support him and say yes. Eventhough there are times I disagree with him for his decisions. But what can I say? really...

In the end, we all have our own feelings. My friend would think of the events right now and think otherwise. Or my dad will try and find solutions to get rid of his kindness and fight for his rights. In the end, you'll just here from my side of view. And that will never be fair.
Why can't you go and ask my dad what's really happened? Or standby a tissue for my friend there when you listen to what she'd say? Why not?  Because you trust me so much? Never do that!.. please. It's not fair for the other party. Like my last breakup. His friends were once my friends. But now all of them only hear from his point of view for what happened to us and get to the conclusion without seeing me. Among all of his friends, only one confront to me and asked what really happened. And that is my best friend. I was crushed really by my ex's answer. No wonder he became my ex. And I'm amazed how stupid of his friends for believing such lies. You don't want to be like them, don't you?

Situations takes us to many different places. It's up to us to stuck between those situations or find a way out and picture out the answer. I'll bare the consequences of the event and I'll lay low and let dad decide whats best. My ex? Well I already got out from those bullshits area.

Short Semester

5 weeks. 45 hours. 2 subjects. 6 topics each. 

What could go wrong? The subjects arent that bad. The teachers are awesome. My macroeconomics teacher is teaching us Soft skill subject is kind a WOW factor. Because she is always serious in class and now she is much fun than ever. She used to refuse in lending her smile but now, she smiled more than we are. Her sarcasm tend to be annoying and full of hatred but now, its funny eventhough she still sends a message that she hates us. The subjects are Soft skills and Communicative English. I love love love English. I'm not an expert in it but I always wanted to be one. First class, I already have 2 presentation to be done in a week, as its only 5 weeks to bare the pain. And yet I can still watch TV and stare at the blue sky for being so bored. And why is that?

What could possibly go wrong? The teachers are great, the subject is a gift, the time is gold and I always wanted to get rid of having any free time. What is going on? Because I skipped class today and my butt seems to love the couch more than it should. Is it because of getting used to the sem break too much? Or I hate the sun for touching my skin as I ride my scooter to Poly? The problem is, ever will be, my CLASSMATE. The kind of hate that I have towards them is such beauty and so sweet to let go. I just dont like them so much. Not only the girls but the boys too. I can't describe how annoy I am, sitting at my comfy table alone while listening to their unprofessional laugh and bare with their childish behavior. I skipped class today because I cant bare the pain in my ass for sitting around them without my bestie. 

She's at Korea now laughing at my ass while here I am stuck with those people. Such beauty my hate to them. Such beauty..

The first day of Soft skill class, The lecturer asked us to hang a piece of paper behind us written there is "Negative" and "Positive" been put into two different columns. The idea was to move around in class and ask anyone to state our personality. I laughed so hard on the inside and remembered my girlfriend. Oh it'll be fun if she was there. The class hates her! And as for me, I bet I got a lot of negativity written about me. I walked to the girls and asked them to write anything. Once we all did, we are asked to sit and pull off the paper from our back. I looked, and Im shocked by the outcome. They wrote that I'm brave, smart, helpful, and a lot about love to share knowledge. And the negative ones is shy, looks so arrogant and lots of "doesn't like to talk to the classmates". I smiled cheerfully. 

I have an issue on trusting people. The ones that I'm 75% rely on is my family and my bestfriend in the world, Afiq. He is very trustworthy and nice to have around. I spend most of my time with my family. Those two things are the only one that I can trust. I think thats why I hate talking to people. Gives me falls hope leads to a broken heart. 

Then why do I hate them so much? What did my classmates do to me that infuse my anger? If i'm gonna list one of them down here, It'll be a never ending post. They did something to me and I make sure it'll never happen again. Thats why. And also their attitude is such immature and disrespectful to watch and to blend in.

But no matter what happens, I have to blend in. Because my grades relies on how well I cooperate with my classmates as the lecturer loves us to work in groups. The only cure I have is to just give task and listen to Mcfly in the morning to cheer me up :) 

My HERO!

Since the Mcfly band exist in my life, it has never been better. I never felt alive before. My last breakup? Screw that man! I'd never felt so happy even if when I'm in a relationship! They change all in me. I swear to God. I thank to Fly.fm for being so cool and listed Mcfly's song called 'Love is on the Radio' in your top 30 because that's how I met those idiots that I'm deeply inlove with right now. At first I got a crush on Danny Jones. The one I said I want to mention him at twitter everyday till he replies. Hahahaha! But then I watched their music video called 'That's the Truth' which also my all time fav among all their song. For me, that song is the best. Anyways, as I watch it, the most perfect handsome man happens to be the main character in the video. Which is Dougie Poynter. My attention went straight away to him. Oh my god he is perfect.

As time goes by, I started to listen to my iPod everyday now, kept repeating their songs on and on. Long time ago I thought my iPod only needed to be charged only once a week but now, everyday. Every damn day it needs to be charged. I hate it. Hahahahahaha. I'm so addicted to the band. Like super freaky weird kinda addicted.




I started to see all their 'best moment' videos on Youtube. Since then, I love all of them :) Danny Jones! the silliest and happiest guy in the band. Who entertain himself by dancing and singing random songs he just heard five minutes before and his laugh is louder than my dad's. And believe me, my dad's laugh is pretty loud. Harry Judd! the best in challenges. He wins 3/4 of challenges that the band created or given to them. He is super smooth and super gay sometimes. His 'thing' is capturing Dougie's pictures while he is sleeping and hugging him when he's tired or not in the mood. Well, Dougie Poynter! My all time fav. He is the most handsome man on the band and in my heart :) Hahahaha. He is a bit shy and if the band have to choose whom among the members they'll marry, with no doubt it'll be Dougie because he is the quite one and always 'okay' with whatever the band ask him to do. Especially Harry and Danny. The mastermind of most challenges. Last but not least, Tom Fletcher! The nicest guy in the band. And he posted very enjoyable videos on Youtube and my most favorite is called 'From Bump to Buzz'. He always there for his band mates and I love the moment where he jumped onto Dougie when he won the ' I'm a Celeb, Get Me Out of Here!' tv show. The best about him is how he plays the guitar and his sweet voice.

Watching them on Youtube gives me spirit in real life. I listen to them all night before bed and sing like I'm on stage. If I watch Danny's video on how he entertain himself, it affects in my life where now I sang alot in public which I'd never done it before. I laugh alot because I fancy Danny's laughter. Watching Dougie in their music videos and his funny moments on Youtube is breathtaking. He is so addictive. He even become my boyfriend in my head. Harry's attitude makes me alive in doing things and how he talks is super sexy. Tom's videos on Youtube and watching his relationship with his wife is the sweetest thing I'd ever see. Additionally, the sweetest couple I've ever seen!

Because of them, I don't CRAVE for love that much. They filled up the empty spot in me and made me a proud single girl. I'm okay with that. Yet, I'm thankful for that. I thought, its not the time for me to fall inlove and got into a relationship. I don't want to end up fighting and breaking up as if there's nothing for me to hold on to. And I don't want to be the only one who is fighting for the relationship. It's just sucks.
I made myself a deal that I will not take a risk in taking care of a relationship. I want to be my own source of happiness, I want to take care of myself. Thats my new challenge. I hope I become like Harry so that I'll win. Hahahaha!

Well, technically I'll know I'll succeed when I'm 30 and married happily after I fulfilled my journey to my marriage life being single. Then I'll remember this guys and thank them :)
Everybody needs a hero right? Well mine is the Mcfly :)

That Moment

Everyone has that very moment where all things paused for a second. Where all emotions stop spreading but one. If it's anger or happy or lust that stood still, shining bright like a diamond. But you all must agree that, it remains for just a few minutes or even seconds. Then it's gone and forever will be.

I had my moments. My most favorite ones are the one that I met him for the first time. Where he talked to me and being so cute just to get to know me while I was then in a hurry. The way he responded towards my action made me looked back and stare at him. For the first time in months after my breakup, my heart blossom once again by just stare at his face that is full of hope for me to respond. That moment feels like forever as we chatted and I was full of joy. But the second time we'd meet, that moment was gone. You see, what makes it so beautiful is that the way he stood up to me is exactly the way I wanted to. Its like he'd paused and gaze upon me as I walked by pass him. He was so amazed and he urge to talk to me so he did. It was so beautiful I still remember how it feels like. I don't know whether my perception towards his actions are true but that is from my point of view. That's what makes it so special.

You just can't get enough. Because moments what makes you feel alive and say "hey, its breathable around here". Because moments of your life, is like a splash of paint on your canvas of life. It's clearly shown there babe...

I have a huge crush on Danny Jones and Syamsul Yussof. Both of them is my dream guy you see. What get to me this time, involved those two!!
I was working as a cashier and I had to watch over the floor as the other employees was busy unpacking and arranging stock. So there was me all alone in front of the entrance of the pharmacy, the place where I work. Out of the blue, this one guy showed up. Looked at me and starts walking away to the Jaya Grocer in front of the pharmacy. Then suddenly he stopped, he turn, he looked at me and he walked towards the pharmacy. I gave a smile so does he. I find him very attractive and it becomes an addict as he asked me a question about what medicine is best for his sore throat. I mumbled. I said "you want sweets for sore throat?" Dafuq? Hahahaha. He replied with a giggle "no, medicine would be best". I pointed at the pharmacist for him to go asked for a medicine with a blushing red starting to appear on my cheek.
Then he starts walking and leave me be. As I walked up to the cashier, I saw him starring at the supplement section. I found the urge to talked to him so I said "have you get the medicine?" "no, the pharmacist is taking a break" "Why don't you ask that girl there to give you a medicine called Mac for your sore throat" "Mac?" the way he said that.... My feet starts dancing because its wonderfully cute. "yes.." once again, with a blush on my chubby cheek.
Not long after that he went to the cashier and started asking me question while I scanned the purchases he picked cause I was too damn slow.. Well, I want to stare at him... duhhhh

   "where do you live?"
( OHH MY DEARLY BELOVED)
   "I live in Bukit Jelutong"

   "How old are you really?"
(MARRY ME PLEASE)
   "Im nineteen"

   "Whats your name?"
(FAINTED)
   " My name is Nur syafinaz"

   "Hey do you know Liesha?"
(WAIT.. WHAT??)
   " Yeahhh.. why? are you her brother?"

   "Yes I am.. Right right Syafinaz. You used to live at Jalan Adang right?"
(Awwww... He remembers who I am :'D )
   " Yes I did"

After the conversation, he paid the bills and walked away with the most honest smile. Without hesitation I called Azrah and screamed like a girl who needs help but actually she need the dude right now to say vows and get married!!!!! Firstly, he looks just like Danny Jones with an aura of Syamsul Yusoff.. Heyy dei.. That's not easy to get. That moment was the most excited moment I ever experienced in my life. Like ever! But then, it last for just about 10 minutes.

Do you believe in moments that last more than an hour or two? hahahahahahahahahhahaha no.
Well..... I do.. Because today I was on my way to the food court to print out my assignments. As I waited outside the store cause there was a lot of people inside waiting in line to print their own papers, in a glimpse, at the very end of the store, I saw him :) after two weeks not seeing each other, I saw him and my heart went down and got back up again. It was perfect. And we talked before he walks away to finish his assignments, he was so perfect, I breathe silently and fluently. Because the way he talks to me at the moment, I swear I saw something shine through his eyes saying "How I miss you and its great to see you again". It was the very precious moments. It feels like forever cause I even said that he is perfect than any guy I ever met after I met him.

It's shocking for me cause when I saw a hot guy, my body will be electrocuted and gone insane. But after I saw him at that time, I thought about him after I saw a cute guy walked pass by me. Where does that came from? It's been months since I met him. And I still can't forget how it turned out to be. And the moment I first saw him that afternoon, Im still experiencing it now as my heart still feel so harmony and I breathe silently and fluently. Cause that, ladies and gents, I only feel that way if he is in front on me and gaze upon my eyes.

What's going on? you miserable girl....

I don't remember the last time a guy ever say " I love you " to me. 3 months ago? Or maybe 5 months. Completely ahead of me. This had crossed my mind as my best girlfriend just broke her heart by her own stupid action. When I listened to what she'd expressed, it's like I'm looking at a mirror. My own reflection since I broke my own heart by mistakenly fall inlove with a wrong guy. A guy I thought meant forever to me. I sat there and saw her sorrow as she talked about what happened. Oh my I felt her pain.

Let bygones be bygones. That's my new motto. Life as single lady, written in my relationship status is one hell of a life. Yeah ofcourse there's been ups and down but I manage to step back up. I admit that I wouldn't be this happy if there's no "MONEY". There's go my middle finger for those who said "money can't buy happiness". I didn't realize shopping can bring the tears of pain. For these past months I spoiled myself with lots of beauty care and new clothes and such. Yeah I feel the pain now as all the money is sadly, gone. Hahahaha. But that's life right? That urges me to work. Yes I work to spoil myself with lots of money. Wow that sounds extremely terrible. 

Above all, I feel great. I'd never feel better. By feeling better, what it means that in my life at this moment is less drama, less stress, less problems and more laughter, more crazy throughout the night, more  enjoying the little things in life. My friend once told me, "try to set yourself as priority of your own happiness. Don't depend on others. Make you as the source of your own laughter". And I did :) But how Syafinaz Zamry? Well, by forgiving yourself for what's happened. And somehow I manage to set myself free. Look how happy I sound, writing this blog while smile like a stinky donkey. Hahahaha

I'm currently on a mission right now. Waiting for a miracle to happen. You see, I was searching for new songs to put in my iPod. So I decided to search in the Top 30 at FlyFm. My eyes were caught by this song called "Love is on the radio" by Mcfly. So I opened it and I heard it. Nothing special at first. The I looked at the related videos. From the same band, singing "Love is Easy". I find it very familiar so I clicked and it was the best decision I'd made. Thats how I met Danny Jones. The lead singer in the band. Now my mission is, to mention him at twitter, everyday until he replies. This is a long term mission so I must come up with a good strategy and a lot of patience.

Because, just this morning I drove to Polytechnic. It became a habit of mine to drive at 7.30am every weekdays to Polytechnic. But this time I drive the car instead of my bike which happens to be my permanent transportation there. Anyways, by using this opportunity, I sang in the car as loud as I can. Singing Mcfly songs. As my mission just started last 2 days, I mentioned him at twitter "Start my day by listening to 'I tagged Danny Jones's twitter name' songs really brighten things up". I posted it. Few minutes later I'm scrolling my timeline, I saw the tweet I tweeted, above it was Danny Jones's tweet. a minute ahead of mine, he tweeted his. I swear I want to cry as he basically ignore my tweet that I mentioned him. Damn.. hahahahaha. But, patience is a virtue. I must continue mention him!!  

My girlfriend now is in deep pain. Wait wait. she is my BESTFRIEND. Not my "girlfriend". Im no lesbian okayy.. That's not why I'm still single. Hahaha. Well, this afternoon she took me to Space U8 to buy my favorite chocolate blog there. As we sat in her car, talking about herself and how regret she is for what she'd done. As a bestfriend, I feel sad though to see her like that. So I talked bout myself and how things work so well for me as my last breakup was a disaster. And she asked me how was Amir, a guy I liked and us currently is in the "unknown relationship status". Its such a long story but in the end I said " No matter what happens, I still like 'him' and will always wait for him eventhough from what I see now, our future together is just a blank canvas with no idea yet to be written. Who is 'him'? Lets keep it private. We don't know 'him' might reading this now!! ;)

Who knows?

My expertise in knowing someone is by looking at them for the first time and my mind will determine whether I like him/her or not. If not, there's definately something's wrong with them. That's how I judge people.
Overall bio about the person? Who knows? It takes years to actually know a person so well and better than they ever notice about themselves. Either about their attitude or the way they think about things. Or maybe even to whom their hearts truly belong. We'll never know.

People change, and it takes special skills to actually nailed one correct answer in guessing how is the person's attitude or how their driving skills are.
Psychiatrist for example is the only person who is educated to know about the person's ways of living. They even took Diploma, Degree, Master and even PhD just to nailed 100% about us. They can know what moods we're in based on our awkward movement or our reaction that can lead to another topics and they can manipulate our mind in telling and yelling what's inside. Letting it all out. But the sad part is, it's fucking expensive and I rather die living in pain than hiring one.
But other than that, who knows?

Lets say one day you went out with your friend who invited a bunch of his/her friends and you guys gather along. What's your reaction if this one highlighted person speaks up about you that is insanely true? Do you dare argue or even talk back? Do you even dare to look at his/her's eyes? Or do you just sit around and said "you lucky bastard for nailing that one".
What if out of the blue, he/she talks about random stuff and suddenly pointed at you as if the things that they're discussing somehow related to you. And... what if its true? What if it's the thing in your heart that you never realize before. As soon as that person speaks up about it and you went silent. What'll you do? Is he one lucky bastard again? No. There's nothing there but silence. Not physically, but mentally you went silent.

One in a million people can actually know who you are by just stare at you. " eyes can't fool me when your lips are " he said. I went full silent as he said something unexpected about me during that massive random conversation. I'm not saying its true. I'm afraid it might be.

But hey.. who knows right?

Damnnn!!!

These past days and weeks and months, things become more stable. All I came to focus on is my family and friends, my studies and work. And last night I just joined a gym as a permanent member. All began to stabilize until I miss stepped myself. Well...

On the 18th of February which happens to be on Tuesday, I had no class throughout that day because my Department is having a "Commerce Week" which all classes took part and do so many interesting and amazing activities. Without my class knowing, our Insurance Law lecturer arrange for us a hallway booth for us to present about laws of tort. At first we thought we have to present in class like normal students. But no. Each groups are given a small booth and brief about our topic to whoever's visiting. 

Each groups must have atleast 4 members. Luckly for me and my bestfriend, we're given the opportunity to have two members only for one group. Well that's what we thought. 

Lecturer announced to all students to vote for the best presentation based on how we present the topics given. But fuck them, they use the "bodek" technique which is grabbing their friends into their booth and force them to vote. Which is so unfair and through out the day I was frustrated that they all cheated. 

At 1 o'clock I had to rush back home because my sis wants to use the car. And so I walk as fast as I can but I was disturbed by this guy who asked so many question. But that doesn't stop me from walking. But he did something so cute, I urge to look back at him. Ohh my, I fell for him instantly. I was shocked I could fall for a guy so fast. Before I reached to the car, I gave him my twitter username and we chatted. 

And we exchanged phone numbers and it was a blast. I can't remember when is the last time I find myself so terribly excited by just one text. My bestfriend and my cousin warned me not to be so fragile but I didn't listen. I was too excited. But I was wrong. I should have listen. 

The first time we met, he sat beside me while I was talking to my bestfriend at foodcourt who sit infront of me. Did he surprisely talk to me about million things? NO. Instead he talked with my bestfriend. Chatting and laughing and the funny part is that I was like invisible. It was so awkward I laughed. Not that he makes sweet jokes to her, but because it is so awkward, I want to run. But I stayed and we get along after that. 

My family and cousin, they all said that he is not worth it. And my bestfriend is a bitch for giving him her phone number. YES! they exchanged phone numbers too. Dafuq? 

Overall, it's nobodies fault but mine. Its my fault for the high expectation I crave from him and thinks about him, wait for his messages like a sick 14 year old kid. Thank god I have my closest friend who advise me not to be a moron. I decided to be honest with him and let him decide what's the next move. But thank you for the guy who gave me the 100 million dollar advice. 

What he said was Im depending on the guy I like for my happiness. Which probably could be the source of my sadness. He was so right. I have to start loving myself and that's the only true happiness that can stay.

From now on, I'll just go with the flow. And I thank the guy for making me feel adored again. If he likes me, I'll appreciate it and never waste it. And I'll consider it as my second chance as my last relationship is such a bullshit. But if he doesn't, then I'll take this as a lesson to not fall for a guy too easily. 

Who knows right? :)

Past,

People would say I change a lot. Based on my tweets, my looks and my smile. My dazzling bright eyes shouting "I love the way I am now". I can't lie, I do. Not that its true, but thats what I want them to think. Human will always have a negative thoughts. Even how perfect their life are. Instead of appreciating the perfection, they seek the flaws and wish it'll fade away. I'm just an ordinary human living in an extraordinary world. Life is a maze. To succeed we must face lots of obstacles that we don't even expect it to happen. What'll be at the escape way? Will I be lost forever in the maze of life? I think I will. Without guidance and help I will definately lost. But for me, love is a riddle. I'm a fool out of love cause I just can't get enough. Always seek perfection. 

If love was a test, I'll fail and keep on failing. My problem was I'd never forgive the mistakes he made and always think out of the box that effect my relationship. My last relationship taught me a lot. It taught me how to be patience and cooperative. It woke me up from delusions and start focusing whats infront of me instead of hoping for something thats impossible to be done. Love is a beautiful thing. And I disgust myself for miss-used it to fulfill my unlimited desire. If ever I have the chance to change for what I did, I'll do anything. And if it takes for me to let him go just so he can be happy with someone who deserves him, I'll let him go. He owns it :') 

Through out this journey alone, YES I am alone. Come on laa I spent my entire one year with someone I truly love that makes me feel occupied. And in a sudden, he's gone, leaving me alone and broken hearted. What do you expect me to feel? 

Its a tough month without him. But I manage to 'spoil' myself and it works! I feel appreciated :) . I spent RM 400 or less just for myself. What did I bought? Let see.... 

Hair Tonic worth rm 95 for lengthen and thicken my hair faster

CC cream worth rm 100 ( which I didnt like to use -.- )

Himalaya shampoo and cleanser worth rm 80 

Online sweater worth rm 60 and H&M's worth rm 80 that I bought with Afiq Eeman ( never regret buying those ) 

Toner, moisturizer, lipstick, compact powder, makeup remover worth rm 100+ 

and all the shitty snacks I bought. 

All of that I bought within those month. Yeahhh I regret buying the CC cream. But I got a free hand bag which I'm happy about :P 

I spoiled myself so much I think. And I'll never stop!! hahahaha. 

My second semester is almost over. Okayy... I planned to go to the gym. But I think I'll go when my third semester starts. I want to buy Galaxy Note II with my salary. Which also when my third semester starts. I guess... 

Not to mention my supplement I have to buy. The promoter from where I work asked me how is my daily meal. And my answer shocked her to death and as fast as lightning she told me " you'll menopause at the age of 30 " hahahahahaha so funny.... I admit Im lack of nutrients and vitamins. I dont even eat veggies or fish. Not to mention about my health. I dont jog anymore. I dont wanna menopause by the age of 30. I wanna marry during that age!!! hahahahaha. 

This lonely life of mine teaches me to value the little things in life. If I dont even care about myself, how in the hell would I care about others? I realize I have to appreciate myself in order to appreciate others that exist in my life. Maybe its not my time to be loved. And Im not even ready. But the one love I want is 'unexpected love'. Where I'll fall at the first time we meet or even I meet someone as a friend and starts accepting him to be more than that by appreciating his presence in my life. Maybe not now, But I'm not giving up.

Because Love is just so beautiful to be wasted. And I had wasted enough :) 

Why am i so motivated to live my life with no regrets? The answer is songs. You got it bad by Phillip Phillips opened my eyes on how things are at this stage of life. Where we crave for attentions and wanting more for something that's just gonna make things difficult and will end with the presence of regret. Broken Ones by Dea makes me realize that there'll be someone who truly loves me and appreciates me. And its just a matter of time to find the right one. Relakan Jiwa by Hazama taught me the value of time. With a fragile heart, I'll wait for the right one no matter what it takes I'll be patience. Try by Pink taught me not to rush into things. "why do we fall inlove so easy? Even when its not right", a lyric in the song really pinched me. If you're not the one by Daniel Bedingfield existed hope for love eternity in me. Just the way you are by Bruno Mars makes me think of someone who will appreciates me truly. Say something by A Great Big World bring the tears in my eyes and force me to never let the past becomes my presence. 

But the one thing that really makes me want to move on, without it I would still hoping for the past to be my presence once more. Without it I would still be a fool for hoping him to come back. And without it I probably make the same mistakes and regret it later, crying on my bed. The answer is??? 

I can't tell you. Its a secret :P Trust me, if you're in the situation as I am right now, there will be something that will motivates you to move one without looking back completely. It'll come. No matter what road you take :) 

A lot of songs reminds me of my past and makes me imagine the future. Sometimes I lay on my bed and imagine the past I regret by imagine it differently. And I cry everytime. But I can't do anything. He's already gone :')

I wish the past remains the past. And if it ever comes back, I want to do it differently and appreciating it more than I ever did before. :)

What happened to me?

Beside studying, I work as a part timer at Caring Pharmacy near my home. Because of my desire in new phones, watches and shoes, my dad's allowance and education loans isn't enough to keep me satisfy. So I decided to spend my free time earning some money :) I know its tiring and the payment isn't that much. But I kept myself busy. I want to keep me away from remembering the past to live my present and have a better future. Well I thought I would succeed but the songs at the pharmacy reminds me of him and I was like swearing at myself saying " yeah right " " true love... pfffttt " and much more that shows how love makes me feel sick. I noticed the staff look weird at me and my boss said I was crazy. Hahaha. Maybe I should download new songs and force Miss to play my songs. I'm afraid I would cry during work hours. haha

If a person observe me and hand me a statistic of me, I would say my rate of happiness rises from depression to feeling free. The past couple of days, I feel great! With a help of my friends and family, internet research on ' how to overcome heartbreak ', or even talking to myself more often. Im feeling better each day. I'm not gonna lie, the errors still exist. But its slowly vanish as I peacefully accepting the fact that I couldn't do anything to fix the past.
Yes I'm still talking about the breakup thingy! Urghhhh hahahaha. It literally changes me to a better patience and ' think before you talk ' person. I even ask the guys who is contacting me whether they have a girlfriend or not. Not to flirt but to make sure there will be no heartbreak caused by my actions.

Girls! Please respect other girls's privacy. Karma does exist. If the boy has a girlfriend, contact the girlfriend or let the girlfriend know that you are contacting the guy. Ask her whether its okay with it and if she declines or refuse to answer, just back off okay? :) I know its annoying but imagine if it happens to you, your boy contact with another girl behind your back. It hurts like hell I assure you. It happens to me and Im sure the girl that did this doesn't even realise what she had done based on her actions. I know that it is not your fault for causing a fight because that guy is a douche bag for cheating on her. But do you want to be responsible of a heartbreak that may and will experience by you also? A girl's heart is so fragile. Please protect it with care. If you have one of your own :)

I just bought an eyeliner ( typical ) , eye shadow ( what the fuck? ) and almost buy a lipstick ( you have got to be kidding me?! ) F*cking sh*t I'm turning to a lady! hahahaha. Seriously though, if you have a serious break up with your ' true love ' ( bullsh*t words) you may take a good care of your appearance more that you used to before. I don't give a damn about what I look before. Now look at me. Doesn't care if my fringe's style enters my eyes or blocking my view cause I wanna look pretty, wearing flats and heels instead of sandals and slippers, wearing eyeliner all the time and applying powder on my face everytime needed. Why? First reason! I wanna look like the ' best buy ' with no sales in famous fashion stores. Second! ofcourse I want my ex to regret what he's been missing. Third! To be worth it to someone and Fourth! to be happy and be pretty and appreciating myself.

Love for me? Remain silent....

Changed the perspective completely -.-

Okay, what a girl really wants? A nice presents? Sweet texts every morning from love ones? Yes exactly. Mature or immature, that is what girl wants. The thing that shows a girl's point of view is how she overcome that feeling. The feeling of longing for the same smile appears everyday for the rest of her lives.
My point of view changed since I had my first heartbreak from a boy who I think is not even prepare of going in a serious relationship. A girl's brain functioned so well they think too much leads to the uncertainty of solutions. Here is where the long term, short term exist by mixing the ego. Like Johnny Depp's quote " the problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem ". Some cut their wrist and gone crazy, some move on and live a more happy life, some wait for the guy to come back. But what does change a girl's point of view? In reflecting her attitude in becoming a woman?

In my perspective, the answer is bored. Not 'I don't know what I'm doing' kind of bored. But bored in being wasted by a boy who doesn't feel shit. Once a girl gets tired of the situation and stick to that feeling, she has change her point of view in becoming a woman with mature thoughts. Yes I am saying 'cute, depending one another without involving others, everyday meet, I love you so much till I puke' all those bullshits couples are immature. Face it, I bet when your couple reply 10 minutes late, you went all crazy. Both boys and girls. Twitter in fact, the word 'mention' for couples are 'cheating'. I didn't make this all up. I state this fact based on experience where I was still stupid and blind enough to waste my time falling in love  instead of focus studying and experience that in marriage.

Everyone deserves a second chance. The second chance are always the wisest. For the past days I thought I didn't receive a second chance from my ex in wanting him back. But now I realize that I will receive my second chance by myself. In changing myself and do the right things with less mistakes that I had done before when I meet the one in marriage :) That is my point of view.
That's isn't fair for a lady, to experience a heartbreak just to wake up to reality. Either through relationships with family or friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. It's just not fair. That's why everytime I look at those poor innocent girls with a boyfriend with a whisper of "goodluck.." to them in my head and think how will they overcome the suffer they'll face. I pity them. Really. Because it does hurts like hell.

I feel so lost. But I bounce back with such courage by ignoring him completely. I can't tell you how. It's just from my perspective. Maybe it'll offended some of guys out there and maybe you girls get the wrong idea. But what matters is my point of view saved me from getting fooled again. It also shows my maturity as before I was the most naif girl. And now I overcome my problems and look at me now. Unmarked by wounds, enjoying every moment in my life that I have wasted before. I'm happier than I was :)

What my perspective about love? Well, people frequently mistaken about what love is. It's different depends on a people's perspective. And mine? Well love comfort us. They comes and hardly go. So why wasting love when we're not ready for it instead of spending it with the one who know what he is fighting for?
Dark Horse by Katy Perry. A song reflects my perspective towards love. Here's a thing about love. It hurts us, comfort us, makes us feel safe and secure, changes our point of view towards a person. But no one knows that love puts us in a situation to test us whether we are mature enough to survive the perfect storm. The beauty of it, is that if we fail, we can bounce back and try it one more time whenever we're ready. Like myself, I failed in my first love. I'm not mature enough to survive it. But I know love will come again. And I'll accept it whenever I'm ready and spend every moment of it with joy :)

Hello 2014 !

I've never been excited about new year before. Yes for a kid, I used to comb my hair from noon till night to prepare for new year celebration with my family. Sitting beneath the trees at KLCC park. Taking pictures with mom and dad. But now, I wasn't that worried about my hair nor the pictures, I'm waiting for the fireworks of this new year celebration as I celebrated at The Curve with my siblings. I waited for the countdown while the craziness of the crowd never seem to find an end. As the countdown begins, the fireworks lightens, I embrace full courage to take a glimpse at the stars as I wanted to start over when 2014 comes.

Start a new life, new hope as 2013 had became my most bittersweet memory. Full of love and lesson learned. I want this year to be fresh start as I just got through a breakup and havent see the end of it yet. And so I wanted to forget the past and move on. This new year is a very good start for me :)
It hurts to know that the one you love tend to not loving you back. Although I left this unexplained breakup with such doubt and concern about not knowing whats going on in his head, but what I do know that waiting is just waste of time and his " don't care " attitude towards me tend to hurt my feelings day by day. So I decided to move on and I wish I'll succeed.

A part of that, I also tend to not falling inlove once more. The last breakup I felt is so much pain to bare and the uncertainty of love is so much for me to feel as I'm afraid the same pain may occur. I've learn my lesson. Although Eddie is a part of me now as he helps me with my breakup thing pretty well. He cures my wounds day by day as we get closer every passing minute. He has become my staple of life through out this period of time and I do hope it stays that way. No relationship will fall upon us as we agreed to be friends at this moment.

So many support I have to make my journey as a single lady gone smoothly. This 2014 is a fresh start for me. Focusing on studies and hoping to gain more friends. Forgetting the unwanted past and embrace more of the sweetness of it. Such as my best friends and families. I want to be near to them. I wish Afiq, my long lost best friend will be by my side tightly once more as he is always there to comfort me. " We are the same. You are negative and I am positive. We need each other " he said. I agreed more than I should to that :)

I know its gonna be hard. But I'll try to succeed. Like my sister said, " its new. Give it time ". A broken heart cant be healed by just sleeping or meditating. We must bare the pain and give them space to cure. I hope 2014 will be a good start for me to embrace maturity, and to appreciate more of the people who will never leave my side.

P/S : I've listened to ' It ends tonight ' by All American Reject all night long. To give me courage in letting you go. To not blaming myself for what happened. Instead, I think of my own heart as you don't care to do so, and so that song is for you, ex. It has ended.