Beautiful Creatures...

As we grew older, we realize this world is a blank canvas of life. We're the artist of life and we whom decide to decorate our own world. And with a canvas, we can never turn back from where we'd written. I just watched Beautiful Creatures movie. A story about a witch who sacrifice her love for the sake of life of her love ones. And the hero, well.. He was a nobody. A boy that a girl like me could ever dreamed of being with. But he believe that fate brought him to that witch. And even if she'd say goodbye, living in a shadow, he could always sense her presence. Now that's the kind of love I wanna end up with.

Because distance are not meant to be in between love. That empty space is where lies, negativity and loneliness fills without notice. It all comes from the yearning occur between those two lovers and it only fades as distance pass away. Fights, tears, hatred and scream will always be filled and it takes a true love to treat it as a highway of distance from one another. Because it is a fact. Without those things, there is no love as there is no road between those two lovers to love another. There's no more bound distance as they grew apart from one another, unbound.
Long-distance Relationship is a tough challenge where few lovers survive. Because they aren't bound together. They didn't care about the fights and tears. Because they treat those things as a big stone crashing their relationship. But the truth is, it is a rope of hope for them to always find a way to be together forever.

I've been into long distance relay. And I survived. We're still together after five months apart. You all must be laughing. Five months apart? Only? Really? Survived? Hahahaha. Well bitches I dare you to not meet him/her for a week and if you don't crack, him/her you're thinking about right now, isn't the one you really love.
The five months is a battle field for me. I realized that the only way of getting him home into my arms again is to argue and cry. I even fake it a few times just to see him walking towards me with a big smile on his face. Im not gonna lie, I miss those moments. I feel like we are complete. We love each other, we argue about stupid things, we cuddle, we laughed like never before, we ate a lot, we even stood still doing nothing but hold each others hands. How I miss the way we sat and I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

As days passes by, he got his Pra-Diploma's result. And UPU's. I stopped breathing when I heard he's pursuing his studies at the same place he'd studied. Melaka. Infront of Starbucks at KLCC after we watched Callie in cinemas. I couldn't deny as I promise to myself I'll agree on what the decision is.
And right at this moment Im blogging this post, this story that came deep in my heart I realize, we're growing apart. As we trying to be happy and empty. Removing hatred and tears. A relationship without a rope.
I still remember you once told me, "presence of arguments tend to show the presence of love ". It's healthy for arguments to exist in our lives. Just like I said, it is a rope of hope for we to always find a way to be together forever. But now, we're denying and avoiding fights instead of solving it with love and care as it becomes a prove that we love each other. And with you keep avoiding, how can I feel that you still love me the way you used to?

I don't want to judge in not knowing how this will end. But Im here alone craving your attention. The attention you once gave me when we're apart for five months. I can't feel it now. And Im afraid I might starting to not care. Because your ears is the only place I want to express my feelings to, your arms is where I want to belong, your eyes I wanna gaze everyday for the rest of my life, your back where I want to hug when you carry me like a child, your hands to guide me the way, your heart to where I choose to stay. No one else I want to be with. But you.

Everybody's changing

It's amazing how people can change so fast. Through incident, influence, or an attitude of a person. I viewed my Facebook wall of my friends posts. I realize some of them changed a lot. Such as this girl I knew a long time ago. We used to spent time at her friend's house. It was 6 years ago. She used to be fat and chubby. Haha. But now she is skinny and I can't even remember she had a mole above her lips. Guess that's what eye liner are for right?

People change. And I believe words changes too. It take a full love to save it. I promise Anas to see him within 10 years. And I believe I will accomplish it. You can't rewrite the past. Like Timon said in the Lion King " when the world turn back on you, you turn back on the world ". Funny but powerful meaning. Hakuna matata :)
I've changed. A lot really. And I can't stop believing that I'm meant to be left alone yknow. Cause of my attitude in ignoring people and hurting them with hopes and dreams that I can't fulfill. Examples are in front of me. My family. I'm horrible to them. My mom even said to my face that I'm heartless and other filthy words that you can describe a person. Even though I laugh everytime she said it. But my source of inspiration is gone. My hopes in happiness from my mom is gone. In the end I just smiled.

Some of you thinks I deserve it. It is, with no doubt I do deserve it. But losing our mom's support and believes is dreadful. I wish I could change it. But you can't repeat the past nor fix it if there's no point to it. I wish no attention from my family. Just support in not pissing me off yknow. Just respect me and my time as I respect theirs. But, what's family for right?
But the one I'm depending on the most is my love. Somehow I can't separate my situation that affected my emotions toward him as it's full of negativity with my other situation. Such as my studies or my relationship with family and friends. I now realize if I care about someone, I truly involve him in everything. Everything. And I think it's too soon for me.

I'm not gonna lie. Sadness is more than happiness as I'm with him. And our love is like a bond of this relationship. And I'm amazed how strong it is as we both don't know when it'll end. Or even didn't think of leaving either. Despite the chaos and fights we're in. I'm truly amazed.
But it's eating me alive.. I realize that as I changed a lot. Separating myself with others and this demon in me rise everytime I went mad. " Don't get to close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide " a lyric by Imagine Dragon in their song , Demon. I wish I could make him realize that I'm the worst of all. I couldn't even control myself, how do I aspect him to?

" When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how "

Lyrics above, I addressed to you. I'm sorry.

It's the truth. I don't have any source of inspiration man. You're so far a way. You are the block to my success. Im struggling without your presence. Im sorry even though you didn't do anything but the affect of our fights is too big for both of us to handle. I hate ignoring you or hurting you. My dad? He is too busy for me to focus. He is my source of inspiration but its not enough. I need someone beside me and I know you cant be. Not right now right? We're focusing in two different things, chasing two different world.
But in the end, 'I Love You' is all we need to survive. Sometimes I'm blocked. Mom's screaming nonsense at me, no one I can talk to without getting anything worse. And you'll be far away for me to seek care for. Phones and sweet words won't help it. I know you know it too.

So yeahh. Everybody's changing. I'm amazed my name doesn't change too. Don't you?

Bring back the dead !!

Things never turned out perfect right? Gordon Ramsay once said to his fellow amateur chefs competing in Masterchef USA Season 4, " it's not how you start, it's about how you finish. Yes? ". His words describe to us that we have to step up from falling down and finish strong. Doesn't matter if its about career, passion or even love. I do have a love of my life. " Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite. " that is his word in wishing me our 11th monthly anniversary and also one of my favorite line :)
You see, he is the love of my life. I believe strongly we'll survive. His patience and my not-giving-up attitude will guarantee it. But at the same time he is only one i have. He eliminates all my friends in my world that plays important roles in my life. Well most of them are guys as I mostly comfortable hanging out with these gender cause my lack of interest in women. Cause I am.... Different.

Sometimes I miss them, sometimes not. Sometimes I look at their photos and say to myself I really do miss you guy. For example my kindergarten friend. Raja Amir. He is fun to talk to. But as each day passes by, our friendship grows stronger and deeper into his eyes without me noticing. He hopes more than a friend from me that I cant give. Almost 5 years he hopes for my love and I kept rejecting him by wearing my invisible cloth. Oh i broke his heart so many times. Like what Gordon Ramsay said, but it turns out the opposite way.
I think of Zikrul, my boyfriend, a savior. With him, I wont be breaking hearts of a man I gave hope to which I didn't realize.

Not to mention my girlfriends. Zuraidah, Sharmine, Anis, Balqis and Jihaa. Ohh I miss them so much I can barely breathe. Watching their lives as happy as a free bird is painful to see. Even though their mistakes stabbed me but forgiveness they received a long time ago. Zuraidah. The craziest yet happiest girl I've ever met. I miss laughing with her so loud, the headmaster could hear us from her office. Sharmine, the coolest girl I know with her swag on and the only person who didn't gossip and talk back about someone. I do miss her terribly. Anis. What went wrong girl? The next day all I know we are strangers. I thought I could have a support system next to me but you turn back on me by a very stupid excuse. but then again, I have to struggle as because of you, I wanna stop having bestfriend.
 Balqis and Jihaa. My favourite girls in high school. I miss every time we talk, we stood up still for no reason at all even though there's a chair at the back of us. And laugh about it. I miss your support in me liking my crush which no one would. I miss the way we have each others back at all times :)

I'm not gonna lie, I do miss him. But in a different way. Painful way. Sadness appear whenever i do. I just cant hear " I Wont Give Up " by Jason Mraz cause it"ll bring tears into my eyes. Its painful to hear the meanings and your favorite song. Class gathering, i just can take a peek at your appearance and nothing more. Boy you took half of my heart as they are yours. I feel like you are apart of me and suddenly you are gone. And i wish you will stay gone. Seriously. But you kept appearing and haunts me as you will always be around. Your name will always there for me to hear by the voice of my new friends. Thats not fair isn't? Even if how much I hate you and want you to stay gone, I just cant. Maybe you still hold on to my other half.

Please Afiq, keep it.

Yo my bro from another mother! My sorrow reliever everytime I go to my hometown. My dearest scumbag Fareez and Fazree. They are the best. Fareez is like my best friend yknow eventhough we barely contact towards another when we're gone to out separate lives. But in the end, we sitting in one sofa next to another with my feet above his thigh, we talk like bestfriend for life. I miss him so bad i want to buy ticket to go to Kelantan just to meet him. Hahaha
And Fazree. A brother to me. He is my sorrow healer and laughter machine. He is by far the most tolerate person I've ever met. Saying yes to every will eventhough he is busy. And his face is the first face I see everytime I came to Kelantan. I love him and i wanna keep him in my closet. Hahaha

Akid Rosli !!! Craziest son of a bitch. Sarcastic person. He is like the joker in the poker card. He is fun to have to. Crazy bitch in happiness and a brother in sadness. He always listen to what i wanna say and never complain about it. He is a no boundary guy as he can act as anything when you get to know him. He is crazy and i love him truly desparately and longing for his appearance in my life back cause he is such a crazy guy. Hahahaha

Ex's cant be that bad yknow. There are some of my ex i would like to contact again. Like my eddie and wolfy. They are fun to talk to. As a friend ofcourse. They are supportive and understanding. And dont forget my mean boy Fawwaz. Shah Rukh Khan like and very funny. He is fun hang out. Yup I sure have lots of interesting ex :)

Fun is it? I once have them. But now they are gone. Instead of chatting and laughing, I watch food shows and tweeting. And be miserable to my boyfriend. Thats why im miserable I guess. He eliminates them all. But never did replace their parts. He did but, not perfectly... And thats my job to fill the empty spots by myself with something that wont cause any trouble to my relay.

But still. I wish I can bring back the dead of these people in my life !!!

Wings

It made me think of you. Because I thought of you. The best line in this song. Wings by Birdy. Her description of this song is breathtaking. Never I recall back my memories of wanting to be free. I used to imagine myself going on a vacation leaving all things behind me. But my surroundings made me think clockwise. This new era of studying really gives me loneliness, pressure and heart broken. With my love is so far away I intend to dedicate this song to him. The song describe a peaceful and playful with lots of character in the meanings and video clip. How can I dedicate this song to him when my life here is full of hatred, loneliness and sadness?

He always care for me. Love me. Even the fights we had is devastating, I love him still. But the distance stabs through the heart. I hate it so much. I can't go much longer if we have to stay in this position for a long period of time. I just can't....

Tired weekend

More of the BEST WEEKEND EVER. A week before my birthday on the 21th August, my boyfriend decided to celebrate during the weekend since that date is in Wednesday. Last day which is Saturday, we took our breakfast at restaurant called Cili Merah. And he asked me where do I wanna go. The first thing came through my head was bird. Funny really as he searched on the web about bird park and he found the biggest bird park in the world called KL Bird Park. We went there and it was breathtaking. I had so much fun and our relationship grow stronger as that was the most fun date we ever went to.

It was worth a trip. After the trip, we went to KLCC and had lunch there, watched a movie called The Purge. A very psycho film. Well every trip doesn't always came out perfectly right? Well we drove there. To KL. With my car. Me as a co-pilot. He's the driver. A disaster.

Quick tips for you out there, DO NOT DRIVE TO KUALA LUMPUR. Please take the fastest and the easiest way : WALKING. No kidding. You can ride the monorail and KTM. Much cheaper and safer. We google map the location and it took 3 hour trip instead of 30 minutes. Which reflected me as a bad co-pilot. On the way back? On the way to KLCC? Jammed, lost, u-turn we faced. I can't handle the situation so all the way home, I was in the badmood. Really badmood.

The next day we brunch at Carefour next to Subang Parade. The best food court I've ever went to and still become my favorite spot. The claypot and Nasi Ayam and also the westerns are delicious! After that we went to the Museum at Shah Alam. Boring. 60% fun. Because I dont think the artifacts and things in the museum are true. Hahahaha. Bad me. But its interesting to know my town's history.

Next trip? To Zoo Negara at Ampang! And we learnt our lesson. WALK.

Home

What is best describe as 'home' ? People say that if we've met the person that we love, we'll say, being around them feels like home. Definition of Home is a place where we feel safe or secured. A place we find peaceful to rest at. A place where we call Our Home. Well, this isn't home.

Sometimes, my so-called "home" is actually a prison. Normal though every teenagers went through this. Even my mom sick of home and got married when she's 18 y/o. There, she gave 6 beautiful daughters. But I can see in her eyes, her third daughter is different. A rebellious one. I can't deny the fact that I'm a rebel daughter. I am infact and I admit to them. My logic controls my desire and it leads to waiting for the Great Escape. But when?

Haaaa Million Dollar Question! Well, I still remember the promises I gave to someone when I was 17 y/o. It's to travel to Rome and visiting the places I most passion about. The reason why is to have a long meditation. Not just 15-30 mins I used to do all day. Yknow, have a get-a-way. But things change, cause my life have more ups and downs.

I'll answer my question! When I'm 27 y/o. Well for starter now I'm studying for Diploma in Insurance for 3 years and will continue studying for Degree for 3 years also, without hesitating, I'll continue studying for Master level for a year and a half to pursue a better job for a better pay cheque. At that time maybe I'm 26 y/o so for a year I'll work harder and get my financial stabilized. Then....

Nope. No vacation. I'll stay at my Home. The home I feel free living in. Like my room now. I feel so calm and lonely. That's the kind of situation I love the most. Calm and Quiet. But yeah as a student, I won't get that easily. Just determination and positive attitudes I must absorb. From this moment on, It didn't work out pretty well.

I'll have to wait 9 years more to succeed in my new dream. To get my own Home,

Right Choice

Zikrul. He's the one I'm dating now. He is also known as my crush before I finished high school. At school, I liked him for more than two months. Which I'd never done before. But I did :) and I knew he never will like me back. So I decided to make a memory out of it. I don't want to waste my senior year just because somebody I used to know forbidden me to continue liking him.

Allah had answered my prayers. He approached me :D We texted and we faced our SPM examination together. On the 12.12.2012, we are officially a couple. Tomorrow is our second anniversary as a couple. Though we didn't celebrate it like others did, but two month as a couple. Shit just got real!!!! I felt like it was just yesterday I met him. But when I'm near him, I felt like I lived all my years with him. It's a miracle and weird. Hahahaha. And when we were apart, it's like I just met him and wanted to meet him again. 

Don't assume we are perfect. We had our fights. Very often.. VERY. I asked for a breakup a few times. He has too. Just once. If we didn't meet for more than three days, a war is coming. 

He is my perfect choice. Like a true love feeler once said, meeting you was fate. Become friends with you is a choice. Falling in love with you is beyond my control. 

I lost my true friend because of him. Regret is just something too late to felt. I played along the puzzled and faced the flood in me. And look at me now :) tomorrow is my anniversary. Second time.

He is my right choice. He is. 

more than anyone

January almost over. I've been unemployed for two months now. Doing chores and stuff. It has been my toughest month. I lost someone that is important and I have to accept a person that wanted to replace the one I lost. Which is impossible, right? :/ The thing is, Zikrul is the guy I had crush on. He has been my crush when I was in high school. And what will blow you away is that he approached to me after graduation. I was lost in love until my bestfriend ditch me because of my careless. I was so inlove.

Maybe it happened for a reason. Without Zikrul, I would have added many stupid guys on men-I-dated list. Without him too I would never felt happy sad angry thrilled and all the emotion you can think of. Losing my bestfriend, I lost all my emotions too. But Zikrul, he'd never leave me. Through all the arguments and ignorance towards each other, he somehow still there in the end.

Everytime he makes me sad, I got this hurt in the heart that gives sudden chill in the shoulders and elbows that makes my tears fell. Everytime he make me happy, I am the luckiest girl in the world. Everytime he makes me angry, I want to tie him on bed and leave him there for hours till he scream my name. Scary? I know. Haha. Everytime I'm with him, I lost track of time. I felt like I just met him yesterday but I know him well enough to live with him everyday. It's weird I know.

I still hoping for my bestfriend to come back. Zikrul is also hurt to know I long for another guy. Its just that I knew my bestfriend for four years. How can Zikrul beat that?

You're the one. Give me time.

P/S: I've been listening to ' Through the Trees ' by Low Shoulders. Trying to forget my bestfriend. I will keep listening to it until I can sing it out loud rather than listen and remember my memories with my bestie. I'm trying. For Zikrul sake. And for myself...

Better,

I'm feeling better now. My red itchy spots seems to heal slowly as I finally eat my medicine on time. Yknow, women hate meds because they are sloppy and what Labuan people like to call "mintak puji". Means they wanted an attention. So that their Prince Charming become their medicine. Haha. Sorry ladies for breaking up the secret. Well the reason I have my meds is because my body is having a bad time. Doc handed me antibiotic pills and itchy pills. I don't know why I'm telling you guys these. Haha

I haven't seen my Zikrul long enough now. This is weird, Now I kept lost track of time. I didn't remember what date I supposed to keep in mind. I forgot the last time my ex-Bestfriend were here to comfort me. The last time he vanished. Well what I do remember is that I have to return the books I borrowed from the Library on the 24th. Thats the dead-line. I haven't read the books. It's about How To Overcome Problems When You're In The Managing World. Well its about that, I forgot the tittle. And the other called..... Forgot too. Something about black sword and blossom. Interesting books but lazy to read.

I remember the night where I asked Zikrul how long we've been together. He asked me what's the date that day and he answered "a month". Right!!! That day was 12th Jan. Wow I remembered something. He really helped me got back on track. Despite the argument and all the bad habits of mine I showed. He is still here. Amazing right? Thanks hunny.

I keep having this stomach flu. Maybe because I haven't eat my three meals for a long time. Since I got back from Kelantan and the day I found out my own bestfriend kicked me out from his life. I remember that one. Since then, I felt like throwing up after seeing food or wanted to eat. Im feeling it now by just wrote about it. Bluekkk!!!! Lets move on....

Still unemployed. Still not taking driving license. I felt like a home mom. Doing chores instead of doing chores for money. Yknow what I mean..

Well Im feeling better. Despite the emotional reaction, Im curing. Not complete, but in process. All I wish is he didn't show up where I stand and succeed in forgetting about him. I hope so.

The by gone

I was lost by my own feelings. Feelings I haven't yet told no one. It's a feeling of a heartbreak. By you. I thought it'll be easier if I ignore you like I did at first so that I can embrace my self when you're gone. But I was wrong. I was lost. I missed you and us. You are the most important person in my world. Every chapter I involved in life, it was always you who found the escape path from my sorrow.

It hurts more knowing you don't even care. You'd never mentioned me. I leave you because I knew sooner or later it'll be you who will leave me so, my arrogant towards curing my heart strikes me to take an action. And I did. But I came back. Because without you in this world of mine, there's no me. We've been through many things. I've been through many things with you involved. And since you've been gone, I don't know what else I would do.

And there he is. I knew you left because of him and for the sake of your relationship. I love him. I changed for him. You knew that before he ever knew I love him. I kept changing myself for the sake of him. But I can't stand his attitude that is the same as yours as he asked me to forget you. I kept mentioning your name everytime we chatted. Everything I did, end up messed up because you aren't here. And for the past two weeks I suffered. Alone.

And now I have the strength to post what I felt here. Because I just jogged and I felt a little free. My life here is bored than ever. I have to leave everyone in my contact list to satisfy my love's lust. I did every command he asked for. Because losing him is much more painful since you aren't here.

I hope I succeed well in our break up. Because it hurts more than a thousand knife stabbing my chest. Because you're my bestfriend. But I believe everything that happens must be a reason.But still, this break up is the worst break up ever. EVER. I still remember our promises. I don't know if I can bare anymore pain to see you.

I'll try to act you're my sweetest memory and your presence be by gone.

Me,

After school life, sucks. Here I am, stay at home. Doing nothing but chores and taking care of my lil baby sis. I barely wake up in the morning now. I remembered how I wish SPM would past by faster so that I really have the time I want. Well look at me now. Job? Mom disagree as she wanted me to take care of Diya rather than be not at home doing work for money. I have my needs to you know. I envy my sisters who buy this and that. Rm 200 in my monthly allowance isn't gonna satisfy my wants. With that I can only pay for two regular clothes at Forever 21 shop. I gotta do better than that. But what to do...

Workouts. Instead of pumping and push ups, I attended not to eat. Rice doesn't catch my appetite anymore. I usually jog in the morning and exercise during the evening till maghrib prayers showed up. I have my time. But I can't do anything I want with it. Its like I'm in prison. Nowhere I can go. No time I can have for myself. I'm stuck with nothing to do for fun in this house.

With no one to talk to. My celcom bills started to creep me out eventhough I didnt use it often. Stupid bill. And so I'm scared to call anyone often. Plus I'm in a relationship. I didn't say it isn't fun. It's just bored sometimes because he want me to act like he is the only man in this world. And a lot of my friends are boys, so... I don't feel like a free bird..

Afraid. Maybe I'm afraid to ask, act. I don't know whats right whats wrong. What to do or not to do. Its hard to predict something. Additionally, I'm a bad liar so, I can't go out without telling the truth. I just want to go. Is it hard though? Yes. Many challenges. The main challenge is that I am afraid.

I felt like a loner. I want to work, exercise, jog, be social, be free, hang out, buy clothes that I want, play swings anytime I want. And now I can't do any of that. Because I am not free yet.

It's a matter of time...