It's amazing how people can change so fast. Through incident, influence, or an attitude of a person. I viewed my Facebook wall of my friends posts. I realize some of them changed a lot. Such as this girl I knew a long time ago. We used to spent time at her friend's house. It was 6 years ago. She used to be fat and chubby. Haha. But now she is skinny and I can't even remember she had a mole above her lips. Guess that's what eye liner are for right?
People change. And I believe words changes too. It take a full love to save it. I promise Anas to see him within 10 years. And I believe I will accomplish it. You can't rewrite the past. Like Timon said in the Lion King " when the world turn back on you, you turn back on the world ". Funny but powerful meaning. Hakuna matata :)
I've changed. A lot really. And I can't stop believing that I'm meant to be left alone yknow. Cause of my attitude in ignoring people and hurting them with hopes and dreams that I can't fulfill. Examples are in front of me. My family. I'm horrible to them. My mom even said to my face that I'm heartless and other filthy words that you can describe a person. Even though I laugh everytime she said it. But my source of inspiration is gone. My hopes in happiness from my mom is gone. In the end I just smiled.
Some of you thinks I deserve it. It is, with no doubt I do deserve it. But losing our mom's support and believes is dreadful. I wish I could change it. But you can't repeat the past nor fix it if there's no point to it. I wish no attention from my family. Just support in not pissing me off yknow. Just respect me and my time as I respect theirs. But, what's family for right?
But the one I'm depending on the most is my love. Somehow I can't separate my situation that affected my emotions toward him as it's full of negativity with my other situation. Such as my studies or my relationship with family and friends. I now realize if I care about someone, I truly involve him in everything. Everything. And I think it's too soon for me.
I'm not gonna lie. Sadness is more than happiness as I'm with him. And our love is like a bond of this relationship. And I'm amazed how strong it is as we both don't know when it'll end. Or even didn't think of leaving either. Despite the chaos and fights we're in. I'm truly amazed.
But it's eating me alive.. I realize that as I changed a lot. Separating myself with others and this demon in me rise everytime I went mad. " Don't get to close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide " a lyric by Imagine Dragon in their song , Demon. I wish I could make him realize that I'm the worst of all. I couldn't even control myself, how do I aspect him to?
" When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how "
Lyrics above, I addressed to you. I'm sorry.
It's the truth. I don't have any source of inspiration man. You're so far a way. You are the block to my success. Im struggling without your presence. Im sorry even though you didn't do anything but the affect of our fights is too big for both of us to handle. I hate ignoring you or hurting you. My dad? He is too busy for me to focus. He is my source of inspiration but its not enough. I need someone beside me and I know you cant be. Not right now right? We're focusing in two different things, chasing two different world.
But in the end, 'I Love You' is all we need to survive. Sometimes I'm blocked. Mom's screaming nonsense at me, no one I can talk to without getting anything worse. And you'll be far away for me to seek care for. Phones and sweet words won't help it. I know you know it too.
So yeahh. Everybody's changing. I'm amazed my name doesn't change too. Don't you?
