As soon as I can get my feet back on track, and starts walking, I'll be alright and not be feeling trapped. I'll just strap on my new earphone and play some of my favourite music. One Day by Kodaline and Everybody's Changing by Keane. Two of my most favourites. It gives me the chills and let my heart break free. That's what I love about music. It let my heart run free. Free from sorrow and despair. And it never ends because you just put it on repeat. Well of course, until the sun goes down. I can't be walking at night. I'm alone.
I used to have a friend who would accompany me when I don't feel like listening to music or I suddenly have a mood to go for a walk at night, he is someone who used to listens without conflict of interest. A best friend whom I talk about everything to. No complication, no heartbroken, no judgement. My boyfriend thinks there's feeling involves in our relationship, no matter how much time I convinced him there wasn't. He never realized it was never about the person. It's about a friend who is there when I needed. A true friend. Its just my best friend at the time happens to be a guy. I have a bad luck with girl friends, all of them decided to leave me be. I never knew why. I guess I'm not the barbie doll drama type of girl. I'm the type that talks about random things and laughs till my cheek hurts or talks about deep secrets in my heart that only the friend knows about. Just talk. No hard feelings involve.
A true friend is hard to come by, you know.. So you just gotta keep what's there in front of you. Fuck me, I betrayed my best friend and made a false judgement on him. Now he's gone. That's alright I guess. If there's a chance of having a true friend again to talk to, I'll be lucky than ever. Until then, consider this loneliness as a punishment for letting go someone special in my life. One of the things I desperately needed. A true friend.
The counsellor from UUM called earlier to ask why I want to defer my study. While I was filling the deferment of study form, it asks the reason for deferment. My father told me to put health problems on it. However, it says we need a doctor's assessment and proves as the supporting document. I don't understand why dad still wants to say it's a health problem. Am I crazy in his eyes? Do I have mental issues? That must be it. He's always right, isn't he? And so I thought.
The counsellor asked why and I said I was alone there. I skipped the boring part (the sorrow, broken heart, loneliness because I can't make friends because I wasn't allowed and so on). So she said this one rather important real reason. adaptability issue. That's the real reason for my deferment. I was unable to adapt to the new environment. You see, I was basically restraint from doing everything I needed to stay alive there. My evening walks, a time to think and breathe of fresh air and a friend. I was so tied up in that little dorm room with a roommate who doesn't give a fuck. Each day as I walk out to start my daily routine, I came back with more burden on my shoulders and tiredness in my heart. The feeling of home was all I had to stay on hoping. Now I realize that home was never my family's attention or my boyfriend's, feeling of home that I hoped for is the ones that I left behind, it is the things I needed.
