I've always been a dreamer. Before bed, I'd fantasized what my life would be, the way I knew will never come true. I didn't mind. It's just a great escape from my normal life. I already have a good education, great family, few understanding friends and a caring boyfriend. Just what I needed to survive my day to day life. But somehow, reality slowly steals away my time from fantasizing my dreams as it gives me more pressure, day after day. The risks I took is slowly showing it's bad results thus slowly takes away the essential parts I need to survive as well. Boyfriends, best friends, even presence of my family. All slowly going away. It's frustrating. Now, I never dream of anything anymore. No more fantasy. I lost that spark when my heart was broken.
In my dreams, I've always put me in the place where there's already a result. Difficulties aside. I dreamt I was a dancer without dreaming of training to be one, I dreamt I had a home and some friends without ever imagining meeting them or having the guts to even talking to them, having the chance to. It was perfect and I think that's why I can't escape from it night after night for so many years. Because in reality, all of those risks, courage and opportunity has to exist for the results to shine. We need to struggle to have a perfect beginning to a perfect ending. It's frustrating.
I never understood the process. I've always seen people succeed, working gloriously like a blooming flower. But what risks they took to achieve that? I never understood how and why. I was stuck in my own fantasy, living in a world where I let life takes control of me for too long and sadly, I envy who is having it as their reality.
It all started with you. Your dear self. I need to take the first step in the first place. If it is your course of life, you'll succeed, maybe a few bumps along the way to make you stronger than before. But if not, you'll start again, realizing it's not your path or it is but you just not ready for it yet. It all starts with you. How did you decide it? If it comes to you, then how did you take it?
I never understand any of this. My eldest sibling already has a job with an excellent education. I didn't even know how she managed it. All I know that she got a job and is satisfied with it. My dad talks a whole lot about the procedure, the reality of people in his course of work and all I can see is his success. I never saw he used to be a low paid clerk who refuses to have lunch with his friends because he's saving it to feed his wife and 3 children, picking up people's leftovers at the dining room. I never saw that. Nobody did but them. Because that's their journey to their success, their result.
In my fantasy, I only enjoyed the result. I was immature.
As a Muslim, I always prayed to Allah swt to protect me from harm, sins and the luxury of life. Prayed for signs of whom I'm supposed to be. I'm never a religious servant. But I serve Allah swt nevertheless. Alhamdullilah he answered me, slapped me too.
I'm not going into the details of what kind of signs I received but it wakes me up big time. Let's just say my fate comes to me rather than I found it. I surpassed the sorrow and the pressure of grasping what had come. My sister said I no longer have the heart to give a damn about the continuous incident. Maybe I'm just eager to start my life all over again rather than crying about it and not moving on. I wanted to be free but I didn't want to go through all those risks and pains and rewards, just like my fantasy. I realized I need to accept and face reality. I need to take those first steps. Because it's my life, it's my reality. Every reality is different but it all leads to one result. Happiness. Seeking that happiness, differentiate one's reality from others. I need to find mine. My beloved said I'm not strong enough. I know that. Hell, I realized that. But it's my reality. I might start with my weak self, eventually and hopefully I'll finish with my stronger self. That's the process of success. That is the reality.
Why should I prevent from living it?
No more fantasising my dreams. Maybe Allah swt woke me up to find my own dreams, in this reality.
