During high school, I was always a lonely girl. I got friends because I've been to the same school until graduation. My family loved me more than ever, especially my parents and my elder sister. They're my best friend. Never really into boyfriends. I never liked a guy more than 4 months, plus I got all the love that I need back then. No pressure. Until university...
My dad is a well-educated man. He struggled throughout his career for his family and for himself. He'd seen people failed, wasted their lives and lived on failures. He never wanted that to be his children's future one day. I was his first goal. I took his specialization as my education course. I took his advice and his words. It paid off. I graduated with honours for my Diploma in Insurance. He was right.
Once I finished, I immediately applied for a part-time job and got a 3 months contract at AIG Insurance company. My dad was ecstatic and encourage me to go even though it's in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. Which my family never do because they see me as a baby and I might get lost. And so I went.
It was fine. Tiring but I'm getting the hang of it. My boss adores me and the staffs had the chance to ease the pressure with me helping through their burden. I had fun too workwise. I had no friends at all. There's a part-timer like me but we didn't get along because she's a diva. Mostly my lunch is either at my desk or no lunch at all. Staffs from other departments even said, "make friends!", "why do you like being alone?", "working is good, but having friends is a must too". I just smiled and said I'm busy, there's a deadline on the task I'm working on and so on... But all I can think of is that I'm not going to be here any longer, and why waste time mingling when you can get your work done soon to get home on time?
Seeing me working hard and sincerely, even though it's just for 3 months, my dad suggested I should work as a full-timer and take qualified insurance exams instead. I knew it will be difficult as working as an admin is difficult enough. Let alone studying while working. So I bravely turned it down and applied for a degree at UUM. I believe God has answered my prayers and I got in. It was a slap in the face.
Degree life was hard. And still is. I wanted to quit the second I finished my first semester but I carried on because I got 3.89 gpa. But it was all a letdown. I failed. Not in terms of my education but physically and mentally. I've lost all I used to have as my source of happiness. My family was far away. I had no friends at all. I had a boyfriend and he was the only one I could share my feelings but it was never enough. He fought for it. I felt it. But that ruined it all. We made a mistake and I lost it all in one night. Piece by piece of me shredded into tears and I wiped it all alone in my dorm room. I couldn't tell you what I did, what WE did but it destroys everything I got. Everything that my father had hoped. Since then, I prayed every single day, cried every single moment that I want to say I am sorry.
Deep down I realized that I never really like my life. This pressure, this proof I seek to be the greatest is a waste of time. I never got to see my family when I worked, I get all the credit I deserved but in the end, I never gained anything socially. Thus, my life here in this lonely place. My goals. I don't want to pressure myself just to prove to people that I can get things done. To people who didn't really care. This thing that's been bothering me for weeks has led me to decide which life I really wanted. And for me, it's not fair because I need to make a decision right away. It's either to change my life to simplicity and filled each journey with family and friends or continue on my 10 years plus journey proving myself without making any friends that I just realized I didn't really like? What if I made the wrong decision?
Because life likes to put you in that corner and force your incompetent. incapable minds to make decisions right away. Your pretty little life? It's gone now. Mine's gone now. Don't blame fate, they gave me clues months before but I choose to ignore. Because as much as evil life can be, you're the one who's deciding.
