Things happened, to be forgotten. Lesson learned. My life slapped me across the face. I thought I knew what I was going through. I thought I took control but instead, the situation controlled me, burdened me. Tied me up to him as all the things I knew I was responsible to do had shattered piece by piece, unnoticed. Until life slapped me, woke me up. I realized I was tied.
To him, to my surroundings, to my family. What bothers me is that I let it happen. I let myself to that situation without them wanting. It's not them who needs me, I needed them. That's what hurts me the most.
Life is fair. We can't argue with that. Even at first, life puts you in that corner where you thought you had nothing left to live, you failed, struggled with no reward. But instead, life is just a life. It's how we choose to live, life woke us up when things aren't the way it supposed to be. You can call it fate, I call it God's will. Allah swt had written our path and it's a beautiful path. And He shakes things up when we're lost or misguided, or even misunderstood the situation and took the wrong path. I let it happened, I let him tied me up to his way even though I knew deep in my heart that it wasn't going to work. But Allah swt woke me up in the way that is unimaginable. I felt hopeless and shocked at first. The mistake is so huge, I had to deferment my study at UUM and broke all of my family's heart. And it made me felt like this was out of my control, I thought I was tied to my family's decision on what they're gonna do with me from the mistake I made. I was scared, and all by myself there at UUM. But it turns out that it is completely the opposite.
I sat with my father and two of my sisters discussing regarding the matter that I had caused, and he said it was an open discussion, we all can say what we thought and eventually come into a conclusion. He lied. He treated us like employees. No love presence there. My eldest sister shared what she thought and I never felt supported before. My other sister cried in grieve because of how heartless my father is. I couldn't do anything. It was never our decisions to make, our what my dad called 'proposal' was never will be considered, my father wanted us to agree in his way, the so-called "discussion" was a trick. We are all tied.
I was tied to his decisions. I said yes to him and broke both of my sisters' hearts and mine. But as time goes by, I kept processing what he had said to everything we proposed to him and realized it was my decision to make all along. In the end of the day, I got to have the final call. Because it's my life, my choice. I just needed guidance from him, not the result itself.
I grew up thinking I was tied to the house, I paused myself from growing to benefit others and it affects my life and my way of living completely. Because I always felt needed. But when I finally lived alone, I felt alone. And I don't like that. So I tied myself to them, and him. Especially him. At the beginning, I thought he was just there to comfort me and make sure I didn't feel alone. But instead, I let him tie me up and live the way he wants me to live. How can I grow and learn to find myself and who I'm supposed to be if I kept pausing to benefit others? Life goes on, it never stops growing. I have to put an end to this. I have to start living my life. My own life. I need to find my way. But I still haven't started learning. I'm still lost. I need to start now.
