I defer from my study for one semester and decided to continue next term. Well, that's what my father decide. I think I'm okay. I'm a little freak out because I might get an emotional breakdown and go crazy all of the sudden. I did once. I was caught up in a situation where my heart suddenly racing and my body starts to crumble to the floor. I wept like a baby needing comfort. There was nobody in the house. I nearly went suicidal. I didn't know how I managed to calm down but the thought of him made my heart calm. I was thinking straight. I laughed at a memory of us both happily in love. I laid there for several hours till my sister called and told me she's coming home. I was back to reality.
I tried to tell her what happened. But the way she responded, I knew she wouldn't understand so I didn't. None of my family would, maybe my eldest sister will but I know it's not her that I wanted. It was him. My love whom I threw out.
From that day on, I've decided I will never let myself caught in that situation again. So I shut myself up. Avoiding the trauma of my life. Avoid thinking about it so I kept myself busy. I went for a jog every day. I bake and cook and clean. I babysit my little sister every single day. I go out watching movies all by myself. I felt independent. The feeling I never had. I'm surviving.
As the day passes by, I no longer feel sad or feel the urge to just cry in my sleep. I was healing until the day my father and mother asked when the next term will start and all of the sudden the feelings came right up to me. The horrible memories I had there and the feeling of alone making me cry that night. I thought I was okay. I thought I was healing but instead I was avoiding the truth. The reality of my life. I was meant to be someone. Instead, I hide in this stupid house my family live in.
My life that I lived day by day soon fade. I wasn't happy anymore, I was scared of the night. The end of all days. Each night comes another day and it's slowly taking me to that place. Until, he came back to me out of the blue.
I was with my family at a mall. I was looking for some clothes to act normal but all there is in my head was darkness. Suddenly my sister came to me and asked: "what did he want?" "who?" "Alim. He was here looking for you". My heart stopped. I wasn't sure where to go or what to think. I looked around to see if my mother and father were there because they would kill him if he showed up. But I decided to go look for him anyway. Because the thought of him being so close to me, the darkness in me was gone.
There he was, walking towards me. I couldn't breathe or move as he came by and stood right in front of me. He took my left hand and held out a gold ring. It was beautiful as we were back when we're together. He kissed my hand with the ring on my finger. We hugged. I couldn't cry. I tried to but all I did was stood there and look into his eyes. He's rambling to words I never did hear as I froze to excitement and relief. In the end, he kissed my cheek and said "I never left. I'll fight for you. Consider this as my effort while I'm gone". And he walked away.
That night (like every other night), I slept with the ring. I cried with it, smile with it. My mind was away to what my life would be. I thought he's gone but never lost. I knew we'll be together one day and that struck my mind. I forgot most of what was said that night where the terrible decisions were made but I remember my father said "you finish your degree and do whatever you want afterwards, I don't care. Because it's my responsibility to give you an education".
I was no longer sad.
The phone buzzed and there's the counsellor again. I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I'm good at deciding what I'll do. But right now my goal is to go to that university and finish my degree. After that, I want to marry him. I don't fucking care what my family thinks. My father once said to my mother "a mother raise him, but the wife lives with him". So I've decided my family raises me, but I'll live with him. I no longer feel hopeless. I was going somewhere. I have a goal and maybe I'll reach it. Well at least until next time ;)
I tried to tell her what happened. But the way she responded, I knew she wouldn't understand so I didn't. None of my family would, maybe my eldest sister will but I know it's not her that I wanted. It was him. My love whom I threw out.
From that day on, I've decided I will never let myself caught in that situation again. So I shut myself up. Avoiding the trauma of my life. Avoid thinking about it so I kept myself busy. I went for a jog every day. I bake and cook and clean. I babysit my little sister every single day. I go out watching movies all by myself. I felt independent. The feeling I never had. I'm surviving.
As the day passes by, I no longer feel sad or feel the urge to just cry in my sleep. I was healing until the day my father and mother asked when the next term will start and all of the sudden the feelings came right up to me. The horrible memories I had there and the feeling of alone making me cry that night. I thought I was okay. I thought I was healing but instead I was avoiding the truth. The reality of my life. I was meant to be someone. Instead, I hide in this stupid house my family live in.
My life that I lived day by day soon fade. I wasn't happy anymore, I was scared of the night. The end of all days. Each night comes another day and it's slowly taking me to that place. Until, he came back to me out of the blue.
I was with my family at a mall. I was looking for some clothes to act normal but all there is in my head was darkness. Suddenly my sister came to me and asked: "what did he want?" "who?" "Alim. He was here looking for you". My heart stopped. I wasn't sure where to go or what to think. I looked around to see if my mother and father were there because they would kill him if he showed up. But I decided to go look for him anyway. Because the thought of him being so close to me, the darkness in me was gone.
There he was, walking towards me. I couldn't breathe or move as he came by and stood right in front of me. He took my left hand and held out a gold ring. It was beautiful as we were back when we're together. He kissed my hand with the ring on my finger. We hugged. I couldn't cry. I tried to but all I did was stood there and look into his eyes. He's rambling to words I never did hear as I froze to excitement and relief. In the end, he kissed my cheek and said "I never left. I'll fight for you. Consider this as my effort while I'm gone". And he walked away.
That night (like every other night), I slept with the ring. I cried with it, smile with it. My mind was away to what my life would be. I thought he's gone but never lost. I knew we'll be together one day and that struck my mind. I forgot most of what was said that night where the terrible decisions were made but I remember my father said "you finish your degree and do whatever you want afterwards, I don't care. Because it's my responsibility to give you an education".
I was no longer sad.
The phone buzzed and there's the counsellor again. I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I'm good at deciding what I'll do. But right now my goal is to go to that university and finish my degree. After that, I want to marry him. I don't fucking care what my family thinks. My father once said to my mother "a mother raise him, but the wife lives with him". So I've decided my family raises me, but I'll live with him. I no longer feel hopeless. I was going somewhere. I have a goal and maybe I'll reach it. Well at least until next time ;)
