It's the things I need,

My recovery is getting well. Physically I'm energetic. I can't wait till mom allow me to start my evening walk routine around my house again. It's one of the things I love to do. Soon we'll be moving to another beautiful house with lots of routes to breathe on, swings to rest on. I love swings. It gives me a moment of pause, from the world, it lets me think of my past, to what I've become now and where it'll lead me. I cried so many times at a nearby playground. I can't cry in the house, no they'll think he causes the tears from my eyes. They're wrong by the way. I caused it. Mostly it's my own fault. Breaking my own heart is basically my forte. Yeah, he's the centre of it all but I let it happened. So it's my fault. Isn't it?

As soon as I can get my feet back on track, and starts walking, I'll be alright and not be feeling trapped. I'll just strap on my new earphone and play some of my favourite music. One Day by Kodaline and Everybody's Changing by Keane. Two of my most favourites. It gives me the chills and let my heart break free. That's what I love about music. It let my heart run free. Free from sorrow and despair. And it never ends because you just put it on repeat. Well of course, until the sun goes down. I can't be walking at night. I'm alone.
I used to have a friend who would accompany me when I don't feel like listening to music or I suddenly have a mood to go for a walk at night, he is someone who used to listens without conflict of interest. A best friend whom I talk about everything to. No complication, no heartbroken, no judgement. My boyfriend thinks there's feeling involves in our relationship, no matter how much time I convinced him there wasn't. He never realized it was never about the person. It's about a friend who is there when I needed. A true friend. Its just my best friend at the time happens to be a guy. I have a bad luck with girl friends, all of them decided to leave me be. I never knew why. I guess I'm not the barbie doll drama type of girl. I'm the type that talks about random things and laughs till my cheek hurts or talks about deep secrets in my heart that only the friend knows about. Just talk. No hard feelings involve.
A true friend is hard to come by, you know.. So you just gotta keep what's there in front of you. Fuck me, I betrayed my best friend and made a false judgement on him. Now he's gone. That's alright I guess. If there's a chance of having a true friend again to talk to, I'll be lucky than ever. Until then, consider this loneliness as a punishment for letting go someone special in my life. One of the things I desperately needed. A true friend.

The counsellor from UUM called earlier to ask why I want to defer my study. While I was filling the deferment of study form, it asks the reason for deferment. My father told me to put health problems on it. However, it says we need a doctor's assessment and proves as the supporting document. I don't understand why dad still wants to say it's a health problem. Am I crazy in his eyes? Do I have mental issues? That must be it. He's always right, isn't he? And so I thought.
The counsellor asked why and I said I was alone there. I skipped the boring part (the sorrow, broken heart, loneliness because I can't make friends because I wasn't allowed and so on). So she said this one rather important real reason. adaptability issue. That's the real reason for my deferment. I was unable to adapt to the new environment. You see, I was basically restraint from doing everything I needed to stay alive there. My evening walks, a time to think and breathe of fresh air and a friend. I was so tied up in that little dorm room with a roommate who doesn't give a fuck. Each day as I walk out to start my daily routine, I came back with more burden on my shoulders and tiredness in my heart. The feeling of home was all I had to stay on hoping. Now I realize that home was never my family's attention or my boyfriend's, feeling of home that I hoped for is the ones that I left behind, it is the things I needed.

It's frustrating... But suck it up! Will you?

I've always been a dreamer. Before bed, I'd fantasized what my life would be, the way I knew will never come true. I didn't mind. It's just a great escape from my normal life. I already have a good education, great family, few understanding friends and a caring boyfriend. Just what I needed to survive my day to day life. But somehow, reality slowly steals away my time from fantasizing my dreams as it gives me more pressure, day after day. The risks I took is slowly showing it's bad results thus slowly takes away the essential parts I need to survive as well. Boyfriends, best friends, even presence of my family. All slowly going away. It's frustrating. Now, I never dream of anything anymore. No more fantasy. I lost that spark when my heart was broken.
In my dreams, I've always put me in the place where there's already a result. Difficulties aside. I dreamt I was a dancer without dreaming of training to be one, I dreamt I had a home and some friends without ever imagining meeting them or having the guts to even talking to them, having the chance to. It was perfect and I think that's why I can't escape from it night after night for so many years. Because in reality, all of those risks, courage and opportunity has to exist for the results to shine. We need to struggle to have a perfect beginning to a perfect ending. It's frustrating.

I never understood the process. I've always seen people succeed, working gloriously like a blooming flower. But what risks they took to achieve that? I never understood how and why. I was stuck in my own fantasy, living in a world where I let life takes control of me for too long and sadly, I envy who is having it as their reality.
It all started with you. Your dear self. I need to take the first step in the first place. If it is your course of life, you'll succeed, maybe a few bumps along the way to make you stronger than before. But if not, you'll start again, realizing it's not your path or it is but you just not ready for it yet. It all starts with you. How did you decide it? If it comes to you, then how did you take it?
I never understand any of this. My eldest sibling already has a job with an excellent education. I didn't even know how she managed it. All I know that she got a job and is satisfied with it. My dad talks a whole lot about the procedure, the reality of people in his course of work and all I can see is his success. I never saw he used to be a low paid clerk who refuses to have lunch with his friends because he's saving it to feed his wife and 3 children, picking up people's leftovers at the dining room. I never saw that. Nobody did but them. Because that's their journey to their success, their result.
In my fantasy, I only enjoyed the result. I was immature.

As a Muslim, I always prayed to Allah swt to protect me from harm, sins and the luxury of life. Prayed for signs of whom I'm supposed to be. I'm never a religious servant. But I serve Allah swt nevertheless. Alhamdullilah he answered me, slapped me too.
I'm not going into the details of what kind of signs I received but it wakes me up big time. Let's just say my fate comes to me rather than I found it. I surpassed the sorrow and the pressure of grasping what had come. My sister said I no longer have the heart to give a damn about the continuous incident. Maybe I'm just eager to start my life all over again rather than crying about it and not moving on. I wanted to be free but I didn't want to go through all those risks and pains and rewards, just like my fantasy. I realized I need to accept and face reality. I need to take those first steps. Because it's my life, it's my reality. Every reality is different but it all leads to one result. Happiness. Seeking that happiness, differentiate one's reality from others. I need to find mine. My beloved said I'm not strong enough. I know that. Hell, I realized that. But it's my reality. I might start with my weak self, eventually and hopefully I'll finish with my stronger self. That's the process of success. That is the reality.
Why should I prevent from living it?

No more fantasising my dreams. Maybe Allah swt woke me up to find my own dreams, in this reality.

Who Am I Supposed To Be?

Things happened, to be forgotten. Lesson learned. My life slapped me across the face. I thought I knew what I was going through. I thought I took control but instead, the situation controlled me, burdened me. Tied me up to him as all the things I knew I was responsible to do had shattered piece by piece, unnoticed. Until life slapped me, woke me up. I realized I was tied.
To him, to my surroundings, to my family. What bothers me is that I let it happen. I let myself to that situation without them wanting. It's not them who needs me, I needed them. That's what hurts me the most.
Life is fair. We can't argue with that. Even at first, life puts you in that corner where you thought you had nothing left to live, you failed, struggled with no reward. But instead, life is just a life. It's how we choose to live, life woke us up when things aren't the way it supposed to be. You can call it fate, I call it God's will. Allah swt had written our path and it's a beautiful path. And He shakes things up when we're lost or misguided, or even misunderstood the situation and took the wrong path. I let it happened, I let him tied me up to his way even though I knew deep in my heart that it wasn't going to work. But Allah swt woke me up in the way that is unimaginable. I felt hopeless and shocked at first. The mistake is so huge, I had to deferment my study at UUM and broke all of my family's heart. And it made me felt like this was out of my control, I thought I was tied to my family's decision on what they're gonna do with me from the mistake I made. I was scared, and all by myself there at UUM. But it turns out that it is completely the opposite.

I sat with my father and two of my sisters discussing regarding the matter that I had caused, and he said it was an open discussion, we all can say what we thought and eventually come into a conclusion. He lied. He treated us like employees. No love presence there. My eldest sister shared what she thought and I never felt supported before. My other sister cried in grieve because of how heartless my father is. I couldn't do anything. It was never our decisions to make, our what my dad called 'proposal' was never will be considered, my father wanted us to agree in his way, the so-called "discussion" was a trick. We are all tied.
I was tied to his decisions. I said yes to him and broke both of my sisters' hearts and mine. But as time goes by, I kept processing what he had said to everything we proposed to him and realized it was my decision to make all along. In the end of the day, I got to have the final call. Because it's my life, my choice. I just needed guidance from him, not the result itself.

I grew up thinking I was tied to the house, I paused myself from growing to benefit others and it affects my life and my way of living completely. Because I always felt needed. But when I finally lived alone, I felt alone. And I don't like that. So I tied myself to them, and him. Especially him. At the beginning, I thought he was just there to comfort me and make sure I didn't feel alone. But instead, I let him tie me up and live the way he wants me to live. How can I grow and learn to find myself and who I'm supposed to be if I kept pausing to benefit others? Life goes on, it never stops growing. I have to put an end to this. I have to start living my life. My own life. I need to find my way. But I still haven't started learning. I'm still lost. I need to start now.

Imagine living a perfect life. A loving family, caring friends, loyal boyfriend and a secured education. No failures, no loneliness. If you already have one, great. I did once. But that perfect life immediately turned upside down because of one silly mistake I made. Looking into your perfect little life, get a peek into mine.

During high school, I was always a lonely girl. I got friends because I've been to the same school until graduation. My family loved me more than ever, especially my parents and my elder sister. They're my best friend. Never really into boyfriends. I never liked a guy more than 4 months, plus I got all the love that I need back then. No pressure. Until university... 

My dad is a well-educated man. He struggled throughout his career for his family and for himself. He'd seen people failed, wasted their lives and lived on failures. He never wanted that to be his children's future one day. I was his first goal. I took his specialization as my education course. I took his advice and his words. It paid off. I graduated with honours for my Diploma in Insurance. He was right. 

Once I finished, I immediately applied for a part-time job and got a 3 months contract at AIG Insurance company. My dad was ecstatic and encourage me to go even though it's in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. Which my family never do because they see me as a baby and I might get lost. And so I went. 

It was fine. Tiring but I'm getting the hang of it. My boss adores me and the staffs had the chance to ease the pressure with me helping through their burden. I had fun too workwise. I had no friends at all. There's a part-timer like me but we didn't get along because she's a diva. Mostly my lunch is either at my desk or no lunch at all. Staffs from other departments even said, "make friends!", "why do you like being alone?", "working is good, but having friends is a must too". I just smiled and said I'm busy, there's a deadline on the task I'm working on and so on... But all I can think of is that I'm not going to be here any longer, and why waste time mingling when you can get your work done soon to get home on time? 

Seeing me working hard and sincerely, even though it's just for 3 months, my dad suggested I should work as a full-timer and take qualified insurance exams instead. I knew it will be difficult as working as an admin is difficult enough. Let alone studying while working. So I bravely turned it down and applied for a degree at UUM. I believe God has answered my prayers and I got in. It was a slap in the face. 

Degree life was hard. And still is. I wanted to quit the second I finished my first semester but I carried on because I got 3.89 gpa. But it was all a letdown. I failed. Not in terms of my education but physically and mentally. I've lost all I used to have as my source of happiness. My family was far away. I had no friends at all. I had a boyfriend and he was the only one I could share my feelings but it was never enough. He fought for it. I felt it. But that ruined it all. We made a mistake and I lost it all in one night. Piece by piece of me shredded into tears and I wiped it all alone in my dorm room. I couldn't tell you what I did, what WE did but it destroys everything I got. Everything that my father had hoped. Since then, I prayed every single day, cried every single moment that I want to say I am sorry. 

Deep down I realized that I never really like my life. This pressure, this proof I seek to be the greatest is a waste of time. I never got to see my family when I worked, I get all the credit I deserved but in the end, I never gained anything socially. Thus, my life here in this lonely place. My goals. I don't want to pressure myself just to prove to people that I can get things done. To people who didn't really care. This thing that's been bothering me for weeks has led me to decide which life I really wanted. And for me, it's not fair because I need to make a decision right away. It's either to change my life to simplicity and filled each journey with family and friends or continue on my 10 years plus journey proving myself without making any friends that I just realized I didn't really like? What if I made the wrong decision? 

Because life likes to put you in that corner and force your incompetent. incapable minds to make decisions right away. Your pretty little life? It's gone now. Mine's gone now. Don't blame fate, they gave me clues months before but I choose to ignore. Because as much as evil life can be, you're the one who's deciding.