more than anyone

January almost over. I've been unemployed for two months now. Doing chores and stuff. It has been my toughest month. I lost someone that is important and I have to accept a person that wanted to replace the one I lost. Which is impossible, right? :/ The thing is, Zikrul is the guy I had crush on. He has been my crush when I was in high school. And what will blow you away is that he approached to me after graduation. I was lost in love until my bestfriend ditch me because of my careless. I was so inlove.

Maybe it happened for a reason. Without Zikrul, I would have added many stupid guys on men-I-dated list. Without him too I would never felt happy sad angry thrilled and all the emotion you can think of. Losing my bestfriend, I lost all my emotions too. But Zikrul, he'd never leave me. Through all the arguments and ignorance towards each other, he somehow still there in the end.

Everytime he makes me sad, I got this hurt in the heart that gives sudden chill in the shoulders and elbows that makes my tears fell. Everytime he make me happy, I am the luckiest girl in the world. Everytime he makes me angry, I want to tie him on bed and leave him there for hours till he scream my name. Scary? I know. Haha. Everytime I'm with him, I lost track of time. I felt like I just met him yesterday but I know him well enough to live with him everyday. It's weird I know.

I still hoping for my bestfriend to come back. Zikrul is also hurt to know I long for another guy. Its just that I knew my bestfriend for four years. How can Zikrul beat that?

You're the one. Give me time.

P/S: I've been listening to ' Through the Trees ' by Low Shoulders. Trying to forget my bestfriend. I will keep listening to it until I can sing it out loud rather than listen and remember my memories with my bestie. I'm trying. For Zikrul sake. And for myself...

Better,

I'm feeling better now. My red itchy spots seems to heal slowly as I finally eat my medicine on time. Yknow, women hate meds because they are sloppy and what Labuan people like to call "mintak puji". Means they wanted an attention. So that their Prince Charming become their medicine. Haha. Sorry ladies for breaking up the secret. Well the reason I have my meds is because my body is having a bad time. Doc handed me antibiotic pills and itchy pills. I don't know why I'm telling you guys these. Haha

I haven't seen my Zikrul long enough now. This is weird, Now I kept lost track of time. I didn't remember what date I supposed to keep in mind. I forgot the last time my ex-Bestfriend were here to comfort me. The last time he vanished. Well what I do remember is that I have to return the books I borrowed from the Library on the 24th. Thats the dead-line. I haven't read the books. It's about How To Overcome Problems When You're In The Managing World. Well its about that, I forgot the tittle. And the other called..... Forgot too. Something about black sword and blossom. Interesting books but lazy to read.

I remember the night where I asked Zikrul how long we've been together. He asked me what's the date that day and he answered "a month". Right!!! That day was 12th Jan. Wow I remembered something. He really helped me got back on track. Despite the argument and all the bad habits of mine I showed. He is still here. Amazing right? Thanks hunny.

I keep having this stomach flu. Maybe because I haven't eat my three meals for a long time. Since I got back from Kelantan and the day I found out my own bestfriend kicked me out from his life. I remember that one. Since then, I felt like throwing up after seeing food or wanted to eat. Im feeling it now by just wrote about it. Bluekkk!!!! Lets move on....

Still unemployed. Still not taking driving license. I felt like a home mom. Doing chores instead of doing chores for money. Yknow what I mean..

Well Im feeling better. Despite the emotional reaction, Im curing. Not complete, but in process. All I wish is he didn't show up where I stand and succeed in forgetting about him. I hope so.

The by gone

I was lost by my own feelings. Feelings I haven't yet told no one. It's a feeling of a heartbreak. By you. I thought it'll be easier if I ignore you like I did at first so that I can embrace my self when you're gone. But I was wrong. I was lost. I missed you and us. You are the most important person in my world. Every chapter I involved in life, it was always you who found the escape path from my sorrow.

It hurts more knowing you don't even care. You'd never mentioned me. I leave you because I knew sooner or later it'll be you who will leave me so, my arrogant towards curing my heart strikes me to take an action. And I did. But I came back. Because without you in this world of mine, there's no me. We've been through many things. I've been through many things with you involved. And since you've been gone, I don't know what else I would do.

And there he is. I knew you left because of him and for the sake of your relationship. I love him. I changed for him. You knew that before he ever knew I love him. I kept changing myself for the sake of him. But I can't stand his attitude that is the same as yours as he asked me to forget you. I kept mentioning your name everytime we chatted. Everything I did, end up messed up because you aren't here. And for the past two weeks I suffered. Alone.

And now I have the strength to post what I felt here. Because I just jogged and I felt a little free. My life here is bored than ever. I have to leave everyone in my contact list to satisfy my love's lust. I did every command he asked for. Because losing him is much more painful since you aren't here.

I hope I succeed well in our break up. Because it hurts more than a thousand knife stabbing my chest. Because you're my bestfriend. But I believe everything that happens must be a reason.But still, this break up is the worst break up ever. EVER. I still remember our promises. I don't know if I can bare anymore pain to see you.

I'll try to act you're my sweetest memory and your presence be by gone.

Me,

After school life, sucks. Here I am, stay at home. Doing nothing but chores and taking care of my lil baby sis. I barely wake up in the morning now. I remembered how I wish SPM would past by faster so that I really have the time I want. Well look at me now. Job? Mom disagree as she wanted me to take care of Diya rather than be not at home doing work for money. I have my needs to you know. I envy my sisters who buy this and that. Rm 200 in my monthly allowance isn't gonna satisfy my wants. With that I can only pay for two regular clothes at Forever 21 shop. I gotta do better than that. But what to do...

Workouts. Instead of pumping and push ups, I attended not to eat. Rice doesn't catch my appetite anymore. I usually jog in the morning and exercise during the evening till maghrib prayers showed up. I have my time. But I can't do anything I want with it. Its like I'm in prison. Nowhere I can go. No time I can have for myself. I'm stuck with nothing to do for fun in this house.

With no one to talk to. My celcom bills started to creep me out eventhough I didnt use it often. Stupid bill. And so I'm scared to call anyone often. Plus I'm in a relationship. I didn't say it isn't fun. It's just bored sometimes because he want me to act like he is the only man in this world. And a lot of my friends are boys, so... I don't feel like a free bird..

Afraid. Maybe I'm afraid to ask, act. I don't know whats right whats wrong. What to do or not to do. Its hard to predict something. Additionally, I'm a bad liar so, I can't go out without telling the truth. I just want to go. Is it hard though? Yes. Many challenges. The main challenge is that I am afraid.

I felt like a loner. I want to work, exercise, jog, be social, be free, hang out, buy clothes that I want, play swings anytime I want. And now I can't do any of that. Because I am not free yet.

It's a matter of time...