a little too late,

I once said I am best described as a wanderer of minds. I used to consume cough medicine for its sleepiness side effects just to escape from reality. That was when I was young and alone, waiting for the next step. Now, as a mother of two, and a wife, I rarely dream. I still hope for it though. In my early marriage years I wait to finish my degree so that I could be back in my husband's arms. Then pregnancy came, I was occupied with loads of responsibilities as sole giver, both to my baby son and husband, and failing at that. Then, I was hit with another pregnancy, drained my emotional being I was feeling trapped and suffocated. No friends nor families nor husband willing to understand. All questioning my ability to give, to hold and to breathe. Until it all fall apart. 

My marriage struggled for quite some time after having kids. We both drifted apart in so many ways, we kept drifting until I couldn't take it anymore. So I packed my bags and the kids and left. During this time, I couldn't do anything but the same thing. Wait. For me, I find it hard to look beyond raising my kids. They are babies, after all. Even divorced, I didn't planned anything beyond until my babies reached preschool. I was and still am a fully devoted mother. I raised them well but destroyed my marriage. But the horror awaits because I am now the sole provider and giver. I must embarked on the journey I had paused. My heart longed for my husband. In silence, he did too. He promised, he changed, he longed. I got cold feet and fell onto his arms again. The kids are smiling again. But the wounds are there. We both opened up a wound that was never meant to be resow. This was nine months ago. We still haven't cope. The experiences he had as a single man. Nothing changed for me, I think because I lived the way I always lived for 5 years, a mother. 

The trusts certainly aren't there. It was the reason the marriage failed as the trust was broken. We are still adjusting in living our lives together again after resowing what was meant to be broken. He continues on with his life and work with struggles he has to carry in his heart. The life he once lived when I wasn't here. The life he had left because I came back. I can see he struggles. I burdened it more by longing for his attention more than before. My children has entered toddlerhood, they needed me less. I have a part of my life now and unexpectedly a dim of light came in my way. A sense of purpose. A duty. A person I once was came back to give me hope I previously abandoned. 

As shocking as to you, I was a straight A student at UUM. I excelled academically. I would like to pursue that once more. A masters degree, maybe become a lecturer. During my time studying I enjoy public speaking, studying and teaching. My motto was "trust me, I'll give you an A" in group projects. And I did. I missed those moments. Those joy I felt when I received praised  from lecturers and straight As. Fully devoted as a wife and a student at the time, I totally abandoned my social life. Whenever I needed anything, my husband would come and accompany me. He was my true friend, thus I needed no one else. However, now its different. I'm all alone. The friends my husband introduces gives me no pleasure nor purpose. I feel empty. 

I hope this new embarked journey would heal the emptiness in my heart and mind. I hope at 29, it's not too late to begin to find who I really am, inside. I'm done waiting for whats next. 

Trapped and Silenced

As a wife, silence is golden. Silence is preferable. It is the key to a successful marriage. I find my personality in favor of that behaviour. As an introvert, I find silence is better than words told only to be forgotten or worse, ignored. But as a woman, there's so much she can take. I can only pray that her screaming heart is burning all her sins away. She always marry a wild spirit. But a young spirit, yet to learn, learning by mistakes. How much mistake can she take? For all she does is consume consume consume. All he did was ignore, deny and forget all her sorrows, wishing she'd understand him, respect him, forgive him, accept him. 

This man doesn't really deserve her love. He constantly question it. How long can he keep questioning her love? Comparing his with hers is the worst thing he can do. For all he does is hurt her with insecurities and lies, expect her to understand and accept that that is how he love. But he cannot accept her wanting a change, a better love. His love is toxic. His love is one-sided. His love is a reflection of his darken heart. But he is the sole provider, for all woman who fell for his love is often soft and weak. Who loves for the afterlife because there's no point in fighting for true love in this world. She's forced to understand, so she respects then she accept. 

Manipulation in marriage is a poison. She's afraid to face the world alone as she always depended on him. She's weak, fragile and sad. She's a sad human being forced to raise children in a sad, pretended household. A gift seems to cheer her up. But Allah swt kept giving her hints of lies that her husband kept. All she did was silenced. I wish she kept it silenced. 

Allah swt teaches us to not be dependent to a person in this world. Only to Him. We did, we tried, but we are made weak. Syaitan constantly whispering in our ear to neglect that feeling. She is made weaker than him. How can she become strong if he is the burden she was given? He was supposed to guide her, respect her, love her, be honest with her. But all he ever wants to do with her is drain her and question her love when she raises doubts. 

That doubt is the key to a long lasting marriage, a happy marriage. Treated as doubt, it will become one. Treated it as a solution, she's all yours. Thats what she does, everyday. Why doubt her? This man doesn't deserve her. Why did she stay? why did she trapped herself in this manipulated life? 

Unnecessary idiocracy

Idiocracy; is described as a society or group that is controlled by or consists of people of low intelligence. Men. There, I said it. Its men. Particularly married men. They are arguably challenged, exhausted and in an endless loop of responsibilities on a daily basis. Poor married man. But they are born to be a leader, a provider, a required role once married. However, some men, like in this group of idiocracy, instead of sharing these black spots of heart with his wife, he proudly thinking, and when supported by his mates, finding other hearts to share. Why, you asked? Because he doesn't want his wife to see his imperfection in his role as her leader for such men hides his weakness. The ego of an idiocracy married men is so high, he only sees himself in the sky, and the perception of him in the eyes below him. The wife, having no clue what is going on because she sees her husband constant perfection, often has doubts in her hearts about his loyalty. Although he terribly hides his dark side successfully, he can never escapes the wife's instinct. She has either caught him early by stumbling onto massive evidence for which fate lend it to her, or her curiosity as to her husband recent trip to Kelantan, where it is all too late. 

Now, I mentioned these men's ego. He only sees the relevance on his side. He never cared for what his wife will live after this. This is because woman's heart most commonly and accurately described as the ocean. It may looked calm, wether through any storm, it calms afterwards. This is because she has all the cruelty, doubts, sadness, pain drowned with her, to appear strong to those around her. I always say, she either sinks or swim. Sinks in the new painful life she has to endure with another woman her husband also calls a wife, or swims to a new life, for which she is still the star, the hero of the movie, the main character. She won't be caring for an idiot husband anymore. He failed to value her as a wife. I'm not saying first wife has no value, they have a higher value because they can endure the rough seas of what we called an idiot husband. But there is so much a woman can take. 

Men will say, it's halal. Shame on us to reject Rasulullah teachings. We do not. Our rejection to the concept doesn't reflect the status of acceptance of what was given by Allah swt. Allah swt also says He will not gives us more than we can bear. We believe in that. Just as Allah swt gives us an escape, a better path. He is the best provider, the best giver, the most Understanding and the most Caring. I always argue when asked, can you accept? I firmly said No. But what if it is destined for you? I will humbly accept. One will argue whats the difference? You will accept eventually. Well for instance, the two situation is very different. The first being the presence of choice, whilst the other did not. Bottom line is, NO. ha ha ha

So to woman married to idiot man, wait. Let me rephrase that to protect certain egos. To the (first) wife of idiocracy, Please be alert. 

Something worth while

It's the thing I love, and the thing I hate. Another thing is worth doing. My presence isn't that influential nor big, its crucial and important which make my existence vital. I'm a mother. That's the answer. The most unappreciated and uncared for in the world. The unwanted but expected job as a woman. Luckily, there's so many reels to educate younger woman about what marriage is expected for a woman. A grey area of life. Not the white nor black. Not the important part of the furniture. She's the duster. Not the giver nor a taker. She's the hand lending and taking. The kind of job you'll be rewarded in the afterlife. I always wonder why Allah swt grant woman's path to Jannah so easy, if she pray five times a day, fast during Ramadhan, protect her chastity and obey her husband. Well ladies, warning alert. IT'S ACTUALLY HARD. Islam says childbirth eliminates all past sins. Its because childbirth is the most painful thing on earth. Same goes to being a wife/mother. Especially a wife of a traditionalist. 

Islam is beautiful. Tradition is not. A traditional marriage treats wives like slaves. A husband becomes automatically dumb in the presence of a wife. He supposedly forget what neat, manners, conscience, and daily routine is. Just because he feels his responsibility is big to reward him such stupidity.  These breed, being the last child of an 80 year old couple is the most spoiled man ever created. Thankfully, God is merciful and fair, He has destined these man's wife from the most responsible and empathetic woman in the world. They got paired up because they completed one another. She completes his sudden incompetences, forcing to believe she'll be rewarded in the after life for taking care of an incompetent unliveable baby husband. 

How can a woman do something worth while when she has to take care of a 30 year old, 4 year old and a 1 year old simultaneously, every day, of her life? Especially living under a traditionalist? I guess she's stoping another traditionalist lifestyle existence by keeping her feet on the ground, teaching her son the importance of self care and empathy, her daughter to never settle for less. I guess that is something worth while. Isn't? 

Static Heart

You can say I am a wanderer. Wanderer of hearts, of mind. Never in the presence. I'd like to think its because God doesn't trust me as a traveler. Although it is my dream to travel. To see all the beaches and museums, mosques all over the world. Learning history and arts in its unique background. But until marriage, I seemed to be doing all that in my home. And for the longest time, I felt lost when I'm not wandering off. Feeling static. Static heart. I have that way with people. Dependable. If a person would describe me as an object, they would say I am a doll, meant to be kept up in a cupboard. Either that or forgettable. A person who comes and goes. Somewhat invisible. I think thats best describe me. Invisible. The only person who always sees me is my two children. Well they don't have much of a choice, do they? I hope it never change. Them or occasionally my husband. For comfort and desire. 

I always wonder why am I the way I am. The silencer. The giver. The accepter of fate. I was never a woman of words. Except in the tips of my fingers. My husband is the outspoken one. He sells saliva for a living. Kept a fancy roof and luxury foods in our lives. Me? I barely spoke 10 words a day. Most of it screaming at my children. I believe that is one of the attraction my husband sees in me. He spends all day talking, comes home to me not saying a single word. But I know it gets lonely sometimes. All the time because there's no communication between the two of us. No topic other than his work or the kids. Where about my life? My interests? My desire? 

We used to date in museums, went to the beach where we first met, bus travels and movie dates. I miss those. Now he does that and more with his friends or for work. Whereas I, am at home with the kids. I'll say I am stuck. But I chose to stay because I'm dependable towards them. I feel that they need me and my presence. Eventhough I am somewhat invisible. But its not fair for them to have me as a wanderer of heart. They deserve my presence in full. But how can I when I suffers a static heart? A longing heart to travel, and see the world? Whats more beyond these four walls? I grew up wanting to go to Europe and learn their history, to every beach in Malaysia and its neighbours, even museums in each city here in Malaysia. BUT, like growing up, just a wanderer of hearts, limited by imaginations. I grew up going to schools and doing homework over and over again, just to live washing dishes and dirty diapers, cleaning up and folding clothes over and over again. 

I am a wanderer of hearts, limited by its imagination. When can I break free? And really travel the world?

Childhood Trauma,

Looking back, there are people that comes and goes in ones life. Mine a few. As an extreme introvert for which I had fallen into since that hell hole of a place I called SMK Tasik Puteri, I have lost all my socially best self into a survival mode. A mode I find myself still trapped in today. As I remember, if I was to survive from being the victim of bully in that school, I have to seek shelter from behind a shoulder of a man. A masculine figure for which bullies are afraid of. Fortunate for me, I have the power to choose and un-choose whom I want. But when you enter the life of marriage, you don't have that privilege. Now that I realise, seeking shelter is all I ever known. As everyone around me sees me as weak and unprotected. And I carried that image until today. That's one. Another new personality I have developed there is how dull and unimportant I am in a group of women. A girl friend, a girl bestfriend is an unfamiliar vocabulary for me. Such unfortunate things happens when I do have a girl friend. So I am well off with no true girl friends at all in my school years, my college years. As of today, zero friends in my marriage years. Here lies (dies) my social life. The tragic implication of what I called childhood trauma from those only 2 years of schooling there. But somehow impacted my whole life. 

I hope my daughter don't have to hide behind a man to feel safe. I hope she knows she has the power to choose to be bigger herself than I ever was. I hope I could advice her that option, as no one did to me. I hope my son protects and cherish a woman that is in his care. I hope he hears her as he has chosen her to protect. I hope he protect her with all his heart.