You can say I am a wanderer. Wanderer of hearts, of mind. Never in the presence. I'd like to think its because God doesn't trust me as a traveler. Although it is my dream to travel. To see all the beaches and museums, mosques all over the world. Learning history and arts in its unique background. But until marriage, I seemed to be doing all that in my home. And for the longest time, I felt lost when I'm not wandering off. Feeling static. Static heart. I have that way with people. Dependable. If a person would describe me as an object, they would say I am a doll, meant to be kept up in a cupboard. Either that or forgettable. A person who comes and goes. Somewhat invisible. I think thats best describe me. Invisible. The only person who always sees me is my two children. Well they don't have much of a choice, do they? I hope it never change. Them or occasionally my husband. For comfort and desire.
I always wonder why am I the way I am. The silencer. The giver. The accepter of fate. I was never a woman of words. Except in the tips of my fingers. My husband is the outspoken one. He sells saliva for a living. Kept a fancy roof and luxury foods in our lives. Me? I barely spoke 10 words a day. Most of it screaming at my children. I believe that is one of the attraction my husband sees in me. He spends all day talking, comes home to me not saying a single word. But I know it gets lonely sometimes. All the time because there's no communication between the two of us. No topic other than his work or the kids. Where about my life? My interests? My desire?
We used to date in museums, went to the beach where we first met, bus travels and movie dates. I miss those. Now he does that and more with his friends or for work. Whereas I, am at home with the kids. I'll say I am stuck. But I chose to stay because I'm dependable towards them. I feel that they need me and my presence. Eventhough I am somewhat invisible. But its not fair for them to have me as a wanderer of heart. They deserve my presence in full. But how can I when I suffers a static heart? A longing heart to travel, and see the world? Whats more beyond these four walls? I grew up wanting to go to Europe and learn their history, to every beach in Malaysia and its neighbours, even museums in each city here in Malaysia. BUT, like growing up, just a wanderer of hearts, limited by imaginations. I grew up going to schools and doing homework over and over again, just to live washing dishes and dirty diapers, cleaning up and folding clothes over and over again.
I am a wanderer of hearts, limited by its imagination. When can I break free? And really travel the world?
