Beautiful Creatures...

As we grew older, we realize this world is a blank canvas of life. We're the artist of life and we whom decide to decorate our own world. And with a canvas, we can never turn back from where we'd written. I just watched Beautiful Creatures movie. A story about a witch who sacrifice her love for the sake of life of her love ones. And the hero, well.. He was a nobody. A boy that a girl like me could ever dreamed of being with. But he believe that fate brought him to that witch. And even if she'd say goodbye, living in a shadow, he could always sense her presence. Now that's the kind of love I wanna end up with.

Because distance are not meant to be in between love. That empty space is where lies, negativity and loneliness fills without notice. It all comes from the yearning occur between those two lovers and it only fades as distance pass away. Fights, tears, hatred and scream will always be filled and it takes a true love to treat it as a highway of distance from one another. Because it is a fact. Without those things, there is no love as there is no road between those two lovers to love another. There's no more bound distance as they grew apart from one another, unbound.
Long-distance Relationship is a tough challenge where few lovers survive. Because they aren't bound together. They didn't care about the fights and tears. Because they treat those things as a big stone crashing their relationship. But the truth is, it is a rope of hope for them to always find a way to be together forever.

I've been into long distance relay. And I survived. We're still together after five months apart. You all must be laughing. Five months apart? Only? Really? Survived? Hahahaha. Well bitches I dare you to not meet him/her for a week and if you don't crack, him/her you're thinking about right now, isn't the one you really love.
The five months is a battle field for me. I realized that the only way of getting him home into my arms again is to argue and cry. I even fake it a few times just to see him walking towards me with a big smile on his face. Im not gonna lie, I miss those moments. I feel like we are complete. We love each other, we argue about stupid things, we cuddle, we laughed like never before, we ate a lot, we even stood still doing nothing but hold each others hands. How I miss the way we sat and I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

As days passes by, he got his Pra-Diploma's result. And UPU's. I stopped breathing when I heard he's pursuing his studies at the same place he'd studied. Melaka. Infront of Starbucks at KLCC after we watched Callie in cinemas. I couldn't deny as I promise to myself I'll agree on what the decision is.
And right at this moment Im blogging this post, this story that came deep in my heart I realize, we're growing apart. As we trying to be happy and empty. Removing hatred and tears. A relationship without a rope.
I still remember you once told me, "presence of arguments tend to show the presence of love ". It's healthy for arguments to exist in our lives. Just like I said, it is a rope of hope for we to always find a way to be together forever. But now, we're denying and avoiding fights instead of solving it with love and care as it becomes a prove that we love each other. And with you keep avoiding, how can I feel that you still love me the way you used to?

I don't want to judge in not knowing how this will end. But Im here alone craving your attention. The attention you once gave me when we're apart for five months. I can't feel it now. And Im afraid I might starting to not care. Because your ears is the only place I want to express my feelings to, your arms is where I want to belong, your eyes I wanna gaze everyday for the rest of my life, your back where I want to hug when you carry me like a child, your hands to guide me the way, your heart to where I choose to stay. No one else I want to be with. But you.

Everybody's changing

It's amazing how people can change so fast. Through incident, influence, or an attitude of a person. I viewed my Facebook wall of my friends posts. I realize some of them changed a lot. Such as this girl I knew a long time ago. We used to spent time at her friend's house. It was 6 years ago. She used to be fat and chubby. Haha. But now she is skinny and I can't even remember she had a mole above her lips. Guess that's what eye liner are for right?

People change. And I believe words changes too. It take a full love to save it. I promise Anas to see him within 10 years. And I believe I will accomplish it. You can't rewrite the past. Like Timon said in the Lion King " when the world turn back on you, you turn back on the world ". Funny but powerful meaning. Hakuna matata :)
I've changed. A lot really. And I can't stop believing that I'm meant to be left alone yknow. Cause of my attitude in ignoring people and hurting them with hopes and dreams that I can't fulfill. Examples are in front of me. My family. I'm horrible to them. My mom even said to my face that I'm heartless and other filthy words that you can describe a person. Even though I laugh everytime she said it. But my source of inspiration is gone. My hopes in happiness from my mom is gone. In the end I just smiled.

Some of you thinks I deserve it. It is, with no doubt I do deserve it. But losing our mom's support and believes is dreadful. I wish I could change it. But you can't repeat the past nor fix it if there's no point to it. I wish no attention from my family. Just support in not pissing me off yknow. Just respect me and my time as I respect theirs. But, what's family for right?
But the one I'm depending on the most is my love. Somehow I can't separate my situation that affected my emotions toward him as it's full of negativity with my other situation. Such as my studies or my relationship with family and friends. I now realize if I care about someone, I truly involve him in everything. Everything. And I think it's too soon for me.

I'm not gonna lie. Sadness is more than happiness as I'm with him. And our love is like a bond of this relationship. And I'm amazed how strong it is as we both don't know when it'll end. Or even didn't think of leaving either. Despite the chaos and fights we're in. I'm truly amazed.
But it's eating me alive.. I realize that as I changed a lot. Separating myself with others and this demon in me rise everytime I went mad. " Don't get to close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide " a lyric by Imagine Dragon in their song , Demon. I wish I could make him realize that I'm the worst of all. I couldn't even control myself, how do I aspect him to?

" When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how "

Lyrics above, I addressed to you. I'm sorry.

It's the truth. I don't have any source of inspiration man. You're so far a way. You are the block to my success. Im struggling without your presence. Im sorry even though you didn't do anything but the affect of our fights is too big for both of us to handle. I hate ignoring you or hurting you. My dad? He is too busy for me to focus. He is my source of inspiration but its not enough. I need someone beside me and I know you cant be. Not right now right? We're focusing in two different things, chasing two different world.
But in the end, 'I Love You' is all we need to survive. Sometimes I'm blocked. Mom's screaming nonsense at me, no one I can talk to without getting anything worse. And you'll be far away for me to seek care for. Phones and sweet words won't help it. I know you know it too.

So yeahh. Everybody's changing. I'm amazed my name doesn't change too. Don't you?

Bring back the dead !!

Things never turned out perfect right? Gordon Ramsay once said to his fellow amateur chefs competing in Masterchef USA Season 4, " it's not how you start, it's about how you finish. Yes? ". His words describe to us that we have to step up from falling down and finish strong. Doesn't matter if its about career, passion or even love. I do have a love of my life. " Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite. " that is his word in wishing me our 11th monthly anniversary and also one of my favorite line :)
You see, he is the love of my life. I believe strongly we'll survive. His patience and my not-giving-up attitude will guarantee it. But at the same time he is only one i have. He eliminates all my friends in my world that plays important roles in my life. Well most of them are guys as I mostly comfortable hanging out with these gender cause my lack of interest in women. Cause I am.... Different.

Sometimes I miss them, sometimes not. Sometimes I look at their photos and say to myself I really do miss you guy. For example my kindergarten friend. Raja Amir. He is fun to talk to. But as each day passes by, our friendship grows stronger and deeper into his eyes without me noticing. He hopes more than a friend from me that I cant give. Almost 5 years he hopes for my love and I kept rejecting him by wearing my invisible cloth. Oh i broke his heart so many times. Like what Gordon Ramsay said, but it turns out the opposite way.
I think of Zikrul, my boyfriend, a savior. With him, I wont be breaking hearts of a man I gave hope to which I didn't realize.

Not to mention my girlfriends. Zuraidah, Sharmine, Anis, Balqis and Jihaa. Ohh I miss them so much I can barely breathe. Watching their lives as happy as a free bird is painful to see. Even though their mistakes stabbed me but forgiveness they received a long time ago. Zuraidah. The craziest yet happiest girl I've ever met. I miss laughing with her so loud, the headmaster could hear us from her office. Sharmine, the coolest girl I know with her swag on and the only person who didn't gossip and talk back about someone. I do miss her terribly. Anis. What went wrong girl? The next day all I know we are strangers. I thought I could have a support system next to me but you turn back on me by a very stupid excuse. but then again, I have to struggle as because of you, I wanna stop having bestfriend.
 Balqis and Jihaa. My favourite girls in high school. I miss every time we talk, we stood up still for no reason at all even though there's a chair at the back of us. And laugh about it. I miss your support in me liking my crush which no one would. I miss the way we have each others back at all times :)

I'm not gonna lie, I do miss him. But in a different way. Painful way. Sadness appear whenever i do. I just cant hear " I Wont Give Up " by Jason Mraz cause it"ll bring tears into my eyes. Its painful to hear the meanings and your favorite song. Class gathering, i just can take a peek at your appearance and nothing more. Boy you took half of my heart as they are yours. I feel like you are apart of me and suddenly you are gone. And i wish you will stay gone. Seriously. But you kept appearing and haunts me as you will always be around. Your name will always there for me to hear by the voice of my new friends. Thats not fair isn't? Even if how much I hate you and want you to stay gone, I just cant. Maybe you still hold on to my other half.

Please Afiq, keep it.

Yo my bro from another mother! My sorrow reliever everytime I go to my hometown. My dearest scumbag Fareez and Fazree. They are the best. Fareez is like my best friend yknow eventhough we barely contact towards another when we're gone to out separate lives. But in the end, we sitting in one sofa next to another with my feet above his thigh, we talk like bestfriend for life. I miss him so bad i want to buy ticket to go to Kelantan just to meet him. Hahaha
And Fazree. A brother to me. He is my sorrow healer and laughter machine. He is by far the most tolerate person I've ever met. Saying yes to every will eventhough he is busy. And his face is the first face I see everytime I came to Kelantan. I love him and i wanna keep him in my closet. Hahaha

Akid Rosli !!! Craziest son of a bitch. Sarcastic person. He is like the joker in the poker card. He is fun to have to. Crazy bitch in happiness and a brother in sadness. He always listen to what i wanna say and never complain about it. He is a no boundary guy as he can act as anything when you get to know him. He is crazy and i love him truly desparately and longing for his appearance in my life back cause he is such a crazy guy. Hahahaha

Ex's cant be that bad yknow. There are some of my ex i would like to contact again. Like my eddie and wolfy. They are fun to talk to. As a friend ofcourse. They are supportive and understanding. And dont forget my mean boy Fawwaz. Shah Rukh Khan like and very funny. He is fun hang out. Yup I sure have lots of interesting ex :)

Fun is it? I once have them. But now they are gone. Instead of chatting and laughing, I watch food shows and tweeting. And be miserable to my boyfriend. Thats why im miserable I guess. He eliminates them all. But never did replace their parts. He did but, not perfectly... And thats my job to fill the empty spots by myself with something that wont cause any trouble to my relay.

But still. I wish I can bring back the dead of these people in my life !!!