The Last Words,

I remember when we first met. I see you as a friend. You see me as your victim of love in eternity. I placed a spot in my heart for you. But you're leaving. I understand. We knew this will come, right? My actions makes it happen more faster. I thought it would be, we would be perfect. Me, him and you. Together forever happy times all the time. But I realize that everytime I think of something, it'll occur in the opposite way.

Before I began, I wanted you to know that I do want a distant apart between us. Remember our fights when I like you friend? Twice we fought. About the same thing. But then you fight for us. Deny to let distant's presence in our lives. I find that amusing. But what is happening now? I can't lie that I miss you. You've been my friend for four years now. You were there with me through thick and thin. I remember all the gifts that you gave to me. Teddy bear, key chain, chocolates, bag, shirt, and a ring. I lost in one time. You gave me yours and im sorry, I lost yours too. Not by mistake. I attended to lose it. It's pain to wear it and I don't know why. I was in a hotel on my vacation with family. As we are leaving, I left it on the desk. I was moved by my feelings that you are leaving me away. If it is because of him, you must did it for a reason, right? I know you well.

He is the one. I wont let you down. I know it'll never work between us if he or any of our mates are around. Jealousy always wins. I'm sorry to end this way. I always love you as a true friend.

Forgive for my mistakes. I know you'll do the same as I do if you're at my place. I hope I'll see you in the future :') Remember our promises? At the age of 20-22, I'll search for you to show my life to you and how it goes? I will wait for the moment :)

Give my regards to your dearest girlfriend. And to you :)

Farewell.,

The Great Escape.

Escape. Either from a problem that doesn't want to be solved. Or from a beautiful breakaway from the present to enter the beautiful future. It occur only when the problem becomes our bestfriend and our patience become our enemy. We think alot and plan alot. And it leads to the great escape. Every ones have their own plan in escaping from the chaos. A vacation, honeymoon, or maybe just a cup of tea at the diner by the corner just to sip those tea so that the warmth will wash away the tragic. The question is, when. When will it occur? Did you plan it well or just bought the ticket to freedom for a while 10 minutes ago? When.. that's all matters.

Some place new. Some place safe and sound. Some place where the leaves falls down onto your shoulders. Any place that could set your heart the peace that you always wanted. Always needed. Some place that no one disturbs you. No matter how stubborn you are. You don't even care who you are leaving behind. As long as you have the peace in your mind and heart. Because you are tired of getting scold or advised. You need to break free.

But obstacles always gets to you. Either you are sick or locked. Locked in a family world where your parents are your permanent guardian. And so, you can't escape.

Because they took things from you. Made a decision that yet you have not notice the agreement. Where they took your peace. Your private place where you can be yourself. They took it. You denied. But not with act of cruelty, but with the silence in the heart so deep they can't see. Day by day, in the end, they are mad because you are selfish for not letting your peaceful place to be shared with someone else. Even if its family.

Arrogant. Selfish. You can call me anything. But think back before you say things. The great escape. You crave for it. I want it. To be alone. Work alone. To be left alone. I'd rather be alone and knowing they are happy than be with them and feeling that I don't deserve to be watched. Be cared. I have my needs but everyone have a wants. And my wants are for freedom. And peaceful only I crave for. I long for. Its been washed away. And I haven't been given a chance to even say.

Freedom Strikes

It strikes me since I walk out from that gate. Gate of freedom. From an experience I faced 11 years of my life. It wasn't a good experience yet I even hate to call it a memory. Despite the lessons and classes I find bored and tough. The minds drowned the school somehow took me to a dive with them. I face anger, violence, arrogant, selfish and cruelty in a person's feedback towards me as I enter their border. I begged nothing but sympathy from them to let me finish my school silently. But somehow God answered my prayers and sent me to Bukit Jelutong to finish my school year. The obstacle I faced for 10 years made me think I should be a little wise to face the school that year. Somehow I did. To be unknown I survived from all the bullshits and pains that I have lived for many years. I planted a maze in my heart so that the students and teachers will be lost from breaking my heart. I nailed it. All I ever did was focus on my biggest exam. Sacrificed my free time, love and in wanting to be known. And despite the chaos I faced myself and the tears have fallen from my cheek because of loneliness. I manage to break free without picking up the pieces they may break. I survived.

Its just a school. How can I survive in a college world? Or if I have the chance to go on an over seas how can I survive from it? What about this relationship I wanted to stay in? How can I manage to stay long with all the bullshits and fights me and him will be facing? Those things, I never stop thinking about since I walk out from that gate. And I realize because of that I've become so arrogant and not tolerate in some cases even selfish took control in me. I felt like the world wins against me.

I tried to change. I tried not to make the same decision ever again. I even continue showing my love to him eventhough my mind thinks otherwise. What I've become, is because all the things I disagree keeps striking me like a thunder bolt. What I've become, is because of the bullshit I have to accept. I felt stronger because I am tired with all the nonsense the universe have made. I watch movie all the time because I admire the main character's courage in facing obstacles. Because of them, makes me feel stronger and invincible. I watch The Notebook, Titanic and Armageddon hundreds of time so that I can plant the courage, patience and loving in me so that I can sacrifice myself to the ones I love. This strikes me since I walk out from that gate.

And all the songs I listened. I listen because it comforts me. Send me to a beautiful world with an amazing feeling. I cant live without them. Because I will forget how it felt to be amazing.

I am scared to face the world. But no matter how awful it is in my head, I never imagine a person stand beside me. I wanted to face the world alone. Because I don't want the person I love felt what I feel. Because I rather don't see them in the end than watch them gave up in facing the obstacles with me. I rather watch them love someone else when I got back than love someone else while sit beside me. I rather see them cry in missing me than cry in regret. I rather feel alone for a while and knowing they'll be waiting than feel alone forever because they walk away infront of me and never look back.

This feeling strikes me, along with the worry, scare and hesitate in knowing whats gonna happen in my future. It strikes, since I walk out from that gate.

IM NOT A LESBIAN. hahahaha

You are not like the others. You didn't set the fire in me. I never had a friend who is kind as you. Gentle, crazy as you. I never found a person who is as alien as me. With you, I finally feel what is like to have a true friend.

You once told me that you will never leave here anymore. Moving to Penang, right? I was a little bit down. Yeah SPM is almost over and you are moving away. I had to delete all the plans I want to spend with you.

You are a liar. Don't deny it. You are. You lied to make everyone feel better. And let your inside hurts and crush into pieces. That's why I never believe you. Because I can feel what you are feeling inside. And I don't know why. At first yeah it sound crazy. I didn't believe it either. But I felt it. Kau ingat kau sorang je lehh baca mata aku? haha

Without you I'd never get what I want. I never get Zikrul if it wasn't about you. Your courage. Braveness in waiting for him is just unbelievable thing to even believe. I admire that. I thought it only happens in the movies but I cant believe it happened right in front of my eyes. Unbelievable! I waited for Zikrul. With a help of my two bestfriends. I have him in my arms now. Because you showed me the courage in not giving up. I didn't gave up. Come on laa. Syafinaz Zamry liked a person and didn't do anything for more than a week -.- If im a Hollywood artist, im sure its a big hit in the news. The point is I didnt give up. Because you didnt too.

I have him in my arms. You still kept waiting. You wanted to confess. Im helping. But a long the way I know there is so much pain you have to carry. The reason Im blogging right now is for you to read and to know that Im here with you. Im worried sick here.

After the confession, you know im still and will always be your eyes in being the owl beside his bed. Watching his every move like the FBI's. As long as you want me to. Cause it hurts laa to see you like this.

We could kill him together ;)



FOR YOU.