Who knows?

My expertise in knowing someone is by looking at them for the first time and my mind will determine whether I like him/her or not. If not, there's definately something's wrong with them. That's how I judge people.
Overall bio about the person? Who knows? It takes years to actually know a person so well and better than they ever notice about themselves. Either about their attitude or the way they think about things. Or maybe even to whom their hearts truly belong. We'll never know.

People change, and it takes special skills to actually nailed one correct answer in guessing how is the person's attitude or how their driving skills are.
Psychiatrist for example is the only person who is educated to know about the person's ways of living. They even took Diploma, Degree, Master and even PhD just to nailed 100% about us. They can know what moods we're in based on our awkward movement or our reaction that can lead to another topics and they can manipulate our mind in telling and yelling what's inside. Letting it all out. But the sad part is, it's fucking expensive and I rather die living in pain than hiring one.
But other than that, who knows?

Lets say one day you went out with your friend who invited a bunch of his/her friends and you guys gather along. What's your reaction if this one highlighted person speaks up about you that is insanely true? Do you dare argue or even talk back? Do you even dare to look at his/her's eyes? Or do you just sit around and said "you lucky bastard for nailing that one".
What if out of the blue, he/she talks about random stuff and suddenly pointed at you as if the things that they're discussing somehow related to you. And... what if its true? What if it's the thing in your heart that you never realize before. As soon as that person speaks up about it and you went silent. What'll you do? Is he one lucky bastard again? No. There's nothing there but silence. Not physically, but mentally you went silent.

One in a million people can actually know who you are by just stare at you. " eyes can't fool me when your lips are " he said. I went full silent as he said something unexpected about me during that massive random conversation. I'm not saying its true. I'm afraid it might be.

But hey.. who knows right?

Damnnn!!!

These past days and weeks and months, things become more stable. All I came to focus on is my family and friends, my studies and work. And last night I just joined a gym as a permanent member. All began to stabilize until I miss stepped myself. Well...

On the 18th of February which happens to be on Tuesday, I had no class throughout that day because my Department is having a "Commerce Week" which all classes took part and do so many interesting and amazing activities. Without my class knowing, our Insurance Law lecturer arrange for us a hallway booth for us to present about laws of tort. At first we thought we have to present in class like normal students. But no. Each groups are given a small booth and brief about our topic to whoever's visiting. 

Each groups must have atleast 4 members. Luckly for me and my bestfriend, we're given the opportunity to have two members only for one group. Well that's what we thought. 

Lecturer announced to all students to vote for the best presentation based on how we present the topics given. But fuck them, they use the "bodek" technique which is grabbing their friends into their booth and force them to vote. Which is so unfair and through out the day I was frustrated that they all cheated. 

At 1 o'clock I had to rush back home because my sis wants to use the car. And so I walk as fast as I can but I was disturbed by this guy who asked so many question. But that doesn't stop me from walking. But he did something so cute, I urge to look back at him. Ohh my, I fell for him instantly. I was shocked I could fall for a guy so fast. Before I reached to the car, I gave him my twitter username and we chatted. 

And we exchanged phone numbers and it was a blast. I can't remember when is the last time I find myself so terribly excited by just one text. My bestfriend and my cousin warned me not to be so fragile but I didn't listen. I was too excited. But I was wrong. I should have listen. 

The first time we met, he sat beside me while I was talking to my bestfriend at foodcourt who sit infront of me. Did he surprisely talk to me about million things? NO. Instead he talked with my bestfriend. Chatting and laughing and the funny part is that I was like invisible. It was so awkward I laughed. Not that he makes sweet jokes to her, but because it is so awkward, I want to run. But I stayed and we get along after that. 

My family and cousin, they all said that he is not worth it. And my bestfriend is a bitch for giving him her phone number. YES! they exchanged phone numbers too. Dafuq? 

Overall, it's nobodies fault but mine. Its my fault for the high expectation I crave from him and thinks about him, wait for his messages like a sick 14 year old kid. Thank god I have my closest friend who advise me not to be a moron. I decided to be honest with him and let him decide what's the next move. But thank you for the guy who gave me the 100 million dollar advice. 

What he said was Im depending on the guy I like for my happiness. Which probably could be the source of my sadness. He was so right. I have to start loving myself and that's the only true happiness that can stay.

From now on, I'll just go with the flow. And I thank the guy for making me feel adored again. If he likes me, I'll appreciate it and never waste it. And I'll consider it as my second chance as my last relationship is such a bullshit. But if he doesn't, then I'll take this as a lesson to not fall for a guy too easily. 

Who knows right? :)

Past,

People would say I change a lot. Based on my tweets, my looks and my smile. My dazzling bright eyes shouting "I love the way I am now". I can't lie, I do. Not that its true, but thats what I want them to think. Human will always have a negative thoughts. Even how perfect their life are. Instead of appreciating the perfection, they seek the flaws and wish it'll fade away. I'm just an ordinary human living in an extraordinary world. Life is a maze. To succeed we must face lots of obstacles that we don't even expect it to happen. What'll be at the escape way? Will I be lost forever in the maze of life? I think I will. Without guidance and help I will definately lost. But for me, love is a riddle. I'm a fool out of love cause I just can't get enough. Always seek perfection. 

If love was a test, I'll fail and keep on failing. My problem was I'd never forgive the mistakes he made and always think out of the box that effect my relationship. My last relationship taught me a lot. It taught me how to be patience and cooperative. It woke me up from delusions and start focusing whats infront of me instead of hoping for something thats impossible to be done. Love is a beautiful thing. And I disgust myself for miss-used it to fulfill my unlimited desire. If ever I have the chance to change for what I did, I'll do anything. And if it takes for me to let him go just so he can be happy with someone who deserves him, I'll let him go. He owns it :') 

Through out this journey alone, YES I am alone. Come on laa I spent my entire one year with someone I truly love that makes me feel occupied. And in a sudden, he's gone, leaving me alone and broken hearted. What do you expect me to feel? 

Its a tough month without him. But I manage to 'spoil' myself and it works! I feel appreciated :) . I spent RM 400 or less just for myself. What did I bought? Let see.... 

Hair Tonic worth rm 95 for lengthen and thicken my hair faster

CC cream worth rm 100 ( which I didnt like to use -.- )

Himalaya shampoo and cleanser worth rm 80 

Online sweater worth rm 60 and H&M's worth rm 80 that I bought with Afiq Eeman ( never regret buying those ) 

Toner, moisturizer, lipstick, compact powder, makeup remover worth rm 100+ 

and all the shitty snacks I bought. 

All of that I bought within those month. Yeahhh I regret buying the CC cream. But I got a free hand bag which I'm happy about :P 

I spoiled myself so much I think. And I'll never stop!! hahahaha. 

My second semester is almost over. Okayy... I planned to go to the gym. But I think I'll go when my third semester starts. I want to buy Galaxy Note II with my salary. Which also when my third semester starts. I guess... 

Not to mention my supplement I have to buy. The promoter from where I work asked me how is my daily meal. And my answer shocked her to death and as fast as lightning she told me " you'll menopause at the age of 30 " hahahahahaha so funny.... I admit Im lack of nutrients and vitamins. I dont even eat veggies or fish. Not to mention about my health. I dont jog anymore. I dont wanna menopause by the age of 30. I wanna marry during that age!!! hahahahaha. 

This lonely life of mine teaches me to value the little things in life. If I dont even care about myself, how in the hell would I care about others? I realize I have to appreciate myself in order to appreciate others that exist in my life. Maybe its not my time to be loved. And Im not even ready. But the one love I want is 'unexpected love'. Where I'll fall at the first time we meet or even I meet someone as a friend and starts accepting him to be more than that by appreciating his presence in my life. Maybe not now, But I'm not giving up.

Because Love is just so beautiful to be wasted. And I had wasted enough :) 

Why am i so motivated to live my life with no regrets? The answer is songs. You got it bad by Phillip Phillips opened my eyes on how things are at this stage of life. Where we crave for attentions and wanting more for something that's just gonna make things difficult and will end with the presence of regret. Broken Ones by Dea makes me realize that there'll be someone who truly loves me and appreciates me. And its just a matter of time to find the right one. Relakan Jiwa by Hazama taught me the value of time. With a fragile heart, I'll wait for the right one no matter what it takes I'll be patience. Try by Pink taught me not to rush into things. "why do we fall inlove so easy? Even when its not right", a lyric in the song really pinched me. If you're not the one by Daniel Bedingfield existed hope for love eternity in me. Just the way you are by Bruno Mars makes me think of someone who will appreciates me truly. Say something by A Great Big World bring the tears in my eyes and force me to never let the past becomes my presence. 

But the one thing that really makes me want to move on, without it I would still hoping for the past to be my presence once more. Without it I would still be a fool for hoping him to come back. And without it I probably make the same mistakes and regret it later, crying on my bed. The answer is??? 

I can't tell you. Its a secret :P Trust me, if you're in the situation as I am right now, there will be something that will motivates you to move one without looking back completely. It'll come. No matter what road you take :) 

A lot of songs reminds me of my past and makes me imagine the future. Sometimes I lay on my bed and imagine the past I regret by imagine it differently. And I cry everytime. But I can't do anything. He's already gone :')

I wish the past remains the past. And if it ever comes back, I want to do it differently and appreciating it more than I ever did before. :)