Colin Farrel,

Ermmm. Yes. Colin Farrel. After watched a film called S.W.A.T, my attention was on Collin Farrel. He played the role as a police officer along with many other actors which I didn't remember their names. That film was an old ones. But I do watched him acted in a movie called Fright Night. Hottest guy I know man. Like seriously. Yes there is a reason why I accidentally like him. Well no I didn't cheated on my crush. He cheated on me. Hahahaha. Okay fine he wasn't really officially mine but still. Yeah he likes someone else. It's a shame huh? Yeah I know. But life must go on. I don't go all shitty crying when I first found out. I mean it was meant to be.

Why Collin? That is just the way I feel now. Yknow, I went through a lot of shitty relationships and it turn out ugly. When I am broken, I met someone else and stuck with him and he hurted me and I met another someone else and stuck with him and so on. What do I get in the end? Hurted.

Mature absorbs me as I grow older every single day. So those past I went through makes me think wiser. Why must I cure myself with some reality boy who will eventually hurt me back? Yes there are others that is different but why must I hurt myself by accepting every guy that pops out just to wait for the perfect ones to finally can be with? How long? I used to be at never ever single mode. I started dating when I was 12. I stopped dating early 2012. Now open your palm and start counting your fingers. How many days and minutes does my heart broke?

Love and I, we will never be in the same page. I realize that. And I am tired of people who wanted to bring my spirit up by telling me never give up or just wait for the perfect ones to come. Well bull!! I waited long enough and felt heavier every single day just because I carried those burden. I wore enough plasters on my wounded heart. And eventually those stupid ones make it worst.

So why Collin? Because he is not reality. He doesn't come and go. I decide wether I want his presence by my side or not. Because he don't even know I exists. So yes he can't play my heart. Clever right? Well yes maybe a little insane. That is how gave up i am. 

So why Collin? My last guy, I call him Edward. We dated and I got hurt. I remember that one night, ermm I was still with Eddie at that time. I promised myself I won't love any other man. I gave up hope on those guys. Edward is nice. He really is. But it wasn't right. I left. But that promise I made, is still there. And so I had to go here and there with this broken heart. Cry after saw Eddie. And suddenly I watched a movie called Inception. And there was my first ever love with an actor, Cillian Murphy. After that, I looked at Eddie with nothing stabbed my heart. 

Why Collin? Now you know why. Crush is gone. Well not gone. Hard to forget this one though. Trying to. Watching Collin on tv and wallpaper of his in my phone. He even have a song. Luckily I can hear his voice over and over. 

So why Collin? Let just say that this girl got her own ways of curing her heart ;) 

Dreadful

It's my second week of Trial SPM. I know I am not a straight A's student because of my weaknesses in answering the questions. What I meant was my answering techniques. My spelling needs corrections, my hand writing is too small and neat. It makes the teacher's expectation is low towards me. I really need to change that and I only got 62 days left for the big month. There is a lot to do and a limited time. I know I can't do any mistakes anymore and stop spoiling myself. I have to.

When I took my History exam this morning, for paper one I kinda nailed it :) But for paper two, dreadful moment I tell you. I haven't study a thing the day before and I found out that my friend has a spot question. And she told everyone but me. Of course I got mad but I thought, that's a life circle and I have to deal with it but the nervousness absorbs me. What I did was pray to Allah swt. I had nothing to do left. But miracle came as the teacher asked me to switch place with my friend at the back. As just I collect my things and turned back, my friend that I switched places with is sitting next to him. What a surprise. I thank you to Allah swt. for those opportunity because I find peace when I am with him.

And so, I focused. Open the papers, ohh damn!!!! I don't know the answers. Thank you to Allah swt. again for the presence of my closest person in class sat near me. He and his friend helped me with those two question. Okay fine I cheated. What? I already told my mom kayy. Hihi ^^ But that was the only thing I cheated. The rest I did it myself and I did helped them back. I'm innocent ^^

But then again my weaknesses in answering techniques. My teacher read my answers and he shook his head saying that is major bullshit. I smiled and copied his actions. Hihi. Okay what am I supposed to do? Cry? It's a big lesson for me. Next time I have to make it right. I have to.

I have four papers left. What is sadden is that science, economi and perdagangan is in the same week on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Damn!!! Nice -.-

This is my sign of struggle. I can't spoil myself anymore. I have to work hard to achieve success. I have to. And I know, only Allah swt. can help me and myself.

I just wish I won't go nuts and shock weeks before the big month.

You,

Okayy, erm.. First time I saw you was at our class. My second day of schooling here at my new school. You came into the class. Your arm was wrapped neatly. My first expression was you are adorable and good-looking guy. But never ever thought of knowing your name.I wasn't friendly at that moment. Where I am just the new girl who is not trying to fit in to the class. Because that is who I am. But right after I heard news about boys there thought that I am not very nice person, I wanted to change it. And I did. For start, I participated in our class first event together this year. Painting class. Remember? Where I accidently got mad at you. I was so nervous to say sorry. Like seriously. You are the first person I ever say sorry face to face. I am so not joking :)

I still remember when I was painting the bottom wall, and you came with your thick long brush towards me and started paint the upper wall. I thought you were my friend and I was mad because obviously the paint that you brushed will eventually fall into me so I thought my friend pranked me. So I shouted and say that if those paint marked my clothe, you are dead. When I want to finish my sentence, I look back and saw you. I paused and you walked away, smiling. I felt guilty. I am really sorry :(

I still felt the guilt after three hours of painting. Then I decided to say sorry. I had my shots. It swept away beautifully as shyness attacked me. But when one of our friends started to show a scary video, I talked to you and explain and said sorry. And you laughed. That laugh was so perfect and still are. We became close right? We talked and smiled at each other. I don't know why we stopped after that.

Remember when one of your friends liked me? You said that he like me with signals so that he didnt notice you breaking the secret? It was so funny and you are so cute. Where you texted me saying he liked me. I still have your number though. Well I know you changed it but still your name is in my phone. We still didn't get along after that right? You treat me like a stranger once more. I don't even know why.

There this one night I dreamt about you. It was a dreadful dream. I still remember. Ofcourse it is a scary dream. I was chased by a psycho and you popped to be my hero. You held my hand the whole time. You never let go. I woke up and said "weird". But I know it is just a dream. But what was weird is that I dreamt of you again the next night. We were in school like usual. I hang with my two best girls and you hang with yours, when the bell rang sign of recess, you came towards me and hold my hand. We enjoyed the recess perfectly and with you holding my hand the whole time. I woke up and said "this is really really weird".

Starting from then, you presence is marked. Everytime I looked at you, I remember my dreams and my world stopped spinning. Your laugh had become my cure of sadness. At first I thought, this maybe a side effect of loneliness and SPM shock. But it wasn't. Few days after, you came towards my desk and my heart went down and got back up again. I was nervous. It was weird at first but then it got weirder after three days the same feeling I had everytime I saw you. I decided to tell my girls and my best friend. Which is your friend as well.

My girls went crazy! And start eye contacting you. It was funny and still are! They comfort me. But our bestfriend? Disagree everything. Well this post isn't a sad post so let just push it a side for a sec :')
Since then you became closer to me. I can feel that you know I am exist. I sneek peek to your eyes and it is beautiful honey :) The situation flows perfectly until that night.

The night in Burger King at Extreme Park where our class celebrate iftar together. Remember? You wore those hot colar shirt. That day is also a day where I embrace braveness in me to talk to you. It was and still the best night. Not just because of my time with my classmates but also my time that I spent with you. I still remember when our friend want to snap a picture of our classmates. Where I stood there with my girls and the person next to my left is our friend and then you. And a miracle came, our friend move her place to my right and there you are. At my left!!! Snap! best picture ever!

I still remember I mumbled. Remember where I put those secure cloth for the activity we had done? I forgot what the name was. I had to remove my pins and I told you to help me hold the pins. I mumbled honey. And you stopped me from mumbling more. I am so sorry again. I was so embarrassing! But you are too cute to make that memory vanish. After that, we still didn't get along right?

I miss you so much. I miss standing next to you. I miss your laugh while looking at me. I miss all of that. And so, I planned another Iftar for us and thankfully our friend arrange the dates and the place. And it is at your teacher's house. Another unforgetable memory :) Where you cut your hair right? It's weird. Because if someone that I love, cutted their hair, it would be a catastrophe for me. But you? You look really nice :) Ohh and yes. I love you.

You are the first person who took my dish. Thank you honey :) And if it is not because of my crazy two friends who I love the most make you stay there, our teacher's husband won't took a picture with us next to each other again. Again! Thank you Sayangs!!!! I can feel your arms. It is the same heat as in my dream when you held my hand. I just can't believe I still remember and I am not lying.

You are different. I never love a man and not having him as mine more than three days. You make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time darl. I won't forget those dazzling eyes when I gazed while we fought about our friend's question which was about reading Al-Quran without air sembahyang. Your eyes is remarkable. Despite all the chaos, I know I won't have you as mine. I knew it. And so I wont let my 64 days of schooling without disturbing and gazing you because I won't be after that.

No matter what happens, I still love you. Even though you didn't know about it. Thank you for this opportunity. And don't worry, no matter what happens, I am okay. Because I know, everything happens in this tiny world of mine, Allah swt. destined it for some reason. And I accept it with an open heart. Even though it has to be broken :')