When the right moment comes, and it goes on and on and on.....

When I look at you, I'm looking at the most comforting thing I ever laid my eyes upon. The feeling isn't the same as when I hold on to my baby sister for the first time in that labor room, or the first time she stopped screaming when she saw me whilst surrounded by close relatives of our family but for her, a bunch of strangers with cameras. Not even the same feeling when I watched Icha sitting politely in front of me after I got back for my first semester break or how the stars above Pulau Kapas island are as clear as I saw in the universe photos I used to see in Universal Pictures twitter account, all those once in a lifetime moments beats every feeling I felt gazing you. Because every time feels like the first time.

I couldn't describe the feeling when I sit back and just gaze at your face without you looking back. It's like the sound of the waves when it's humming? Or dancing to your favorite song without the melody, hearing each beat and words in your heart. I just don't know how to describe it. Everything with you is soothing. Like a cup of coffee in the morning, listening to backstreet boys or n'sync during study break, afternoon nap while its pouring outside. You've become every man I hoped I would meet. A stranger in a bookstore, choosing a book by my favorite author, just to add to the collection. A friend that I laid beside with at the beach gazing the stars. A lover holding my hand whilst pressing his cheek next to mine while watching a movie in a cinema. A boyfriend that I can hangout with at my home whilst my mom is making lunch. A man that I brought home to see my parents. The list goes on and on.

The longer I stare at you, the stronger it feels. The magnet to your heart, that you've given me. The purity of it. I've never felt so modest before. I worshiped you and yet you're the one that kneeled and kissed my toes as I cried for your mistakes. I love you so much and yet you've never failed to say it out loud even when we're arguing. I fantasize only you and yet you tried to make me feel we're no longer in a long distance relationship. I adore your laugh and yet you still call me on your busy day to just let me hear it. The list goes on and on.

We struggled for the first five month. Our lack of experience and the long distance relationship really did hit us right in the face. But I'm proud to say that your patience and my respect, our love had sowed every scar we had made to each other, our passion and craziness towards another made the wounds go away. Even when the past haunts you, I'm willing to forgive even when it involves another heart, that you once loved. I guess your love for me is much stronger, I do think that's the reason we both stayed. Plus the way you apologize is quite spectacular, with the fireworks and the pizza with my two little sisters beside the beach. I mean.... How romantic and awesome is that!

All I see is future with you. Because it gets better, it gets stronger. I can't live my life without you. You're a part of me, you're in me. I love you. I did so many things with you. You took the little things and turned it into a memory that a girl holds forever. You once took my hand and we slow dance with no music when no ones looking. Can you imagine when we're married? I can't, but I know it's gonna be amazing because that is how I feel whenever you're around. I feel special.
Everything with you is so suddenly beautiful. And now you're asking for my hand, wanting to bring your family to meet mine to propose. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Be careful what you wish for,

I was so excited when he asked "do you want to see more of it?", I smiled wider than ever even though I told him I don't want to see his face and if he tries, I'll hate him for good. As he was searching for the right spot to put the firework with his friend, me and my two little sisters were laughing and counting the stars beside the waves of the beach. He then finally screamed my name and said "this is the perfect spot!". He put the firework on the sand that was carved in heart-shaped and I thought that was a big coincidence. His face lighten up when he saw me look up even when he hasn't lit it up yet. Once he did, My sky was full of stars.

The last time I saw such big fireworks right above me was when I was little, each year my family and I would go to the state field and watch fireworks for new year celebration. I couldn't imagine having the opportunity to be able to watch it again up above me. "I never cared for fireworks actually, I love to watch it only on new years eve because it meant something. It makes me forget all my past problems and past memories that was meant to be left behind and start fresh. Watching the fireworks is my start of the year", I told this to him once when he constantly wanted to show the fireworks for Raya celebration at his home state.

The fireworks he brought me was meaningful, where he placed it in the heart-shaped beside my name that he carved before meeting me as I watched it at the shore of Marang, Terengganu in front of Kapas island, where we first met.

It was like shutting my eyes and picked up what I was able to reach for first. That's basically how I said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me before that he liked me on the island when we knew each other for a week. I kept telling him that that feeling was just a rebound of his broken heart because his long love left him after 2 years of waiting for her love in return. In fact, the reason why he joined the trip was to forget about her. So there you go. But weeks goes by and he still looks for me and shows how much he cared for which I haven't felt by any man for 3 years since my last breakup. Blindfolded by excitement and affection, I said yes, and our long distance relationship began.

Being in a relationship with him is like being on a roller coaster that has a ticket once in a lifetime. We argued 70% of the time via text, video call and phone call but once we got the chance to meet, we're the perfect couple. He once asked me that do we need to talked about this? or we need to discuss about our last fight, and all I could answer was "what fight?".

There are millions of reason for me to leave him, but all those reasons reflects back at how perfect he is in front of my eyes. He completes my weaknesses which is irritating, he has weaknesses which are my strengths. Looking back at my complaints, we complete each other.  In my relationships, I can't accept one single flaws and immediately ask for a breakup. He never accepted when I did it to him and up to a point I got used to not breaking up, I stopped asking. he has more girl friends than boys but my jealousy is higher than mount Everest, he managed to hangout with his guy friends and close girl friends which I 'OK'. He spends all his money for whatever reason and I prefer to save my earnings for future use. I hate to drive and his expertise is cars in all aspect. His jealousy is even higher than mine and I prefer to stay at home. I can literally wrote a novel instead of blogging of how much we loved each other and how perfect we are for one another. And this was just the beginning. 

The reason I want him and stayed even though he had hurt me in ways I would've gave up and walked away but didn't is because we value the little things. He loves the way the wrinkles at the end of my nose formed when I smiled and how he hated me for wearing eye liner as it covers up the line above my eyes that he finds sexy. I love when he speaks in his terengganu slang when he's mad and his laughter is out of this world. His broad shoulders, wavy hair and thick thighs could hide that cute little boy inside of him when I said something funny. His patience against my stubbornness and mood swings that is so stressful, I even got mad at him for replying one minute late. My "okay sayang"everytime he asked to do something crazy like meeting my parents and trying fancy jubah for raya celebration and actually bought them worth RM375.

What else can I say? We're perfect and there'll be endless arguments and crazy love. And now he wants to marry me next year. And at the same time, my family, including both of my parents talked about the same thing.

Okay sayang..... 😅