I once said I am best described as a wanderer of minds. I used to consume cough medicine for its sleepiness side effects just to escape from reality. That was when I was young and alone, waiting for the next step. Now, as a mother of two, and a wife, I rarely dream. I still hope for it though. In my early marriage years I wait to finish my degree so that I could be back in my husband's arms. Then pregnancy came, I was occupied with loads of responsibilities as sole giver, both to my baby son and husband, and failing at that. Then, I was hit with another pregnancy, drained my emotional being I was feeling trapped and suffocated. No friends nor families nor husband willing to understand. All questioning my ability to give, to hold and to breathe. Until it all fall apart.
My marriage struggled for quite some time after having kids. We both drifted apart in so many ways, we kept drifting until I couldn't take it anymore. So I packed my bags and the kids and left. During this time, I couldn't do anything but the same thing. Wait. For me, I find it hard to look beyond raising my kids. They are babies, after all. Even divorced, I didn't planned anything beyond until my babies reached preschool. I was and still am a fully devoted mother. I raised them well but destroyed my marriage. But the horror awaits because I am now the sole provider and giver. I must embarked on the journey I had paused. My heart longed for my husband. In silence, he did too. He promised, he changed, he longed. I got cold feet and fell onto his arms again. The kids are smiling again. But the wounds are there. We both opened up a wound that was never meant to be resow. This was nine months ago. We still haven't cope. The experiences he had as a single man. Nothing changed for me, I think because I lived the way I always lived for 5 years, a mother.
The trusts certainly aren't there. It was the reason the marriage failed as the trust was broken. We are still adjusting in living our lives together again after resowing what was meant to be broken. He continues on with his life and work with struggles he has to carry in his heart. The life he once lived when I wasn't here. The life he had left because I came back. I can see he struggles. I burdened it more by longing for his attention more than before. My children has entered toddlerhood, they needed me less. I have a part of my life now and unexpectedly a dim of light came in my way. A sense of purpose. A duty. A person I once was came back to give me hope I previously abandoned.
As shocking as to you, I was a straight A student at UUM. I excelled academically. I would like to pursue that once more. A masters degree, maybe become a lecturer. During my time studying I enjoy public speaking, studying and teaching. My motto was "trust me, I'll give you an A" in group projects. And I did. I missed those moments. Those joy I felt when I received praised from lecturers and straight As. Fully devoted as a wife and a student at the time, I totally abandoned my social life. Whenever I needed anything, my husband would come and accompany me. He was my true friend, thus I needed no one else. However, now its different. I'm all alone. The friends my husband introduces gives me no pleasure nor purpose. I feel empty.
I hope this new embarked journey would heal the emptiness in my heart and mind. I hope at 29, it's not too late to begin to find who I really am, inside. I'm done waiting for whats next.
