Morning coffee really is the start of the day. I drank too much instant coffee, it makes my skin swollen from an insect bite. Or not? Either way, I blame the coffee. I started to appreciate life more and more each day. After what happened, what I am going through and what fate may lead me, I want to appreciate my days. Every day, I woke up, drink a cup of coffee and watch Gordon Ramsay on Hell's Kitchen while waiting for my husband to wake up. Wait, what???
Yes. I AM MARRIED. To the love of my life. The incident when we met where he gave me the ring, my engagement ring, scarred me for life as it went on. He never left my heart since that day. I could feel him close to me. My heart was warm again. Okay okay, I know this escalates quickly, from being hopeless and hopefully again at the last post to being married. Here's the thing, when you reached adulthood, time is money. I'm not saying blogging is a waste of time, but that is my excuse for not posting for so long. Why? Because of my life had turn upside down in the last 3 years. Literally.
Calculating all the days I suffered, it's been nearly 2 years. Struggling to breathe every single day. I used to pray so hard my eyes hurt every morning from crying. "Keep calm with faith," they say. But you all know that's bullshit.
Not to God, astaghfirullah! Of course not. But to the attitude of burying the pain within by BELIEVING everything will be ok. That's not progress, that's called running away. I was never a happy girl, let's be honest. I have always struggled with new places, communication, friendship, egos and after the incident, I suffered from depression. It really took a deep part of me. It's where I lost all that I held most dear. I was never good at making choices either. But I knew deep in my heart that getting married was the best choice. Alhamdulillah, the process went well even though it hurts and I cried after the ceremony end because my father left me at the mosque and didn't look back as he goes.
My mother said I didn't love my family. That's why I decide to get married. But it's not that. I chose to get married because I love them and I don't want to keep hurting their feelings anymore. I can't cast my husband out of my life, it will break me and him permanently. I tried to be strong by myself but it slowly buries me from being who I am. I knew that if I still choose to leave him. So I didn't. I married him.
Calm down people, I know you're still stuck with the "wait, what??" in your head. Let me explain.
As soon as I posted my last post, I went on to continue my studies at UUM. It was a huge step for me because I was determined to never go back there. I lost everything there. But here I am, starting back my journey, but this time, without him. I was determined I will be okay here, alone. That was what I used to do, Forcing myself to do it instead of questioning how I feel about it. Maybe that's why I love him so much. He knew what I feel and do something about it without thinking about himself. Which is why he came straight to UUM after I called him because I was again caught up in a situation where my heart raced and my body crumbled to the floor, I went to a panic attack as soon as my family left.
I was scared and alone at the time, I couldn't think. He happened to wish me good luck at that moment so I just called him without thinking. So there we were. Together again.
My parents were furious after they found out. Nothing I can say will change how they feel. Betrayal. Till that point I was numb. I hurt the people I held most dear. Somehow I was thankful because it led me up to this point. Living my life to the fullest because I was myself again. I stop living in survival mode, I started to appreciate myself more, figuring out what I want instead of what I must do. I can't deny that the process is hurtful, not just in my part. But to all the people around me. But I felt free. I don't need to pretend I'm fine, hiding behind my baby sister's laughter. I even once felt that I don't belong in my family's house, I even asked them if I can have a drink. That's how lost I felt. But now, I feel loved. My husband treats me like a queen, cherish me, gives me warmth. It's a miracle.
It's a gamble. Marriage is, in fact, a gamble. Because you chose a husband that you will bow down to, give full respect, live and struggle with. If he's a good person, then you're in good hands. Women are weak. It doesn't matter how tough they might be. That is why God gives you a husband to take care of you as you grow to live your life. He brought you to this world on your father's arms and married you off with your husband to take your father's place. I was lost, and I kept pretending I was on the right track because I chose my family instead of my self. At first, I didn't know I had to live with the feeling of not belonging. That's why I let other people choose the decision for me. But not anymore. People will judge my decisions. They still are, in silence. But I don't care. I chose myself. Because it is I who is living, have to wake up every morning, live my day and go through it all with my own thoughts and feelings. Do I want to go through it all by pretending? NO.
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