Unlucky Introvert

"Hey, what semester are you?" "Hey, which course are you from?" "Hey, How old are you?" "Hey,...."

The never-ending introduction!! I hate it. As an introvert, I despise it. But its starting to feel like a lifeline of my social conscience. Currently, I'm studying 400 kilometres away from home. In this little zone is where I'm trying my best to earn my Bachelors Degree and possibly First Class. Because if not, why do I even bother?
My days are simple. I woke up, had my breakfast and morning shit (if I'm lucky), study maybe watch movie marathon if I don't have class, watch Youtube, eat sleep and that is basically it. No social life, none.

I was never a pusher. I didn't push people away. I mean, every semester I went through all of those introductions for so many people sitting next to me in class and that is all the social conversation I had and will ever get. It was always for group work, helping out people in need and it was never personal for me. It sucks. It makes me feel I'm all alone in these pile hole group of people who basically knew each other except me. Sometimes I thought I got this energy of pushing people away. No, I KNOW I have that kind of energy of pushing people far far away because every time I made an effort, they didn't stay and forget about me. If they stayed, there's always something personal that makes them feel I no longer mattered such as they got offended or I don't know, maybe I have a bad vibe in me or something.
With all of that happening, I have this attitude of not wanting to waste my time on something that is not important, such as hanging out, small unimportant talks, stuff like that. I never made an effort to go out during my free time. I have always filled it with homework, activities I had to go or for my family. I'm not surprised, my lifestyle, destiny has always hit me with a series of failed friendships and I never cured it. I just get used to it.
Which is why it is hard for me here all alone, with all the time in the world. I remembered throwing up during my first semester at some point in my life I was feeling helplessly unsick, just tired of being trapped.

I'm a big fan of Episode apps. Because that is the only social situation I'll ever gonna get, which is sad but irritating at the same time. I often read the stories for tips how to deal with social life as an introvert. But there's no cure or even a situation stating that "introvert, go talk. You can do it". There are only introverts facing their time alone with books or a walk to the library, or there will be some crazy extrovert comes and force you to go out where you miraculously find your soulmate. It is bullshit!!

This bad vibe, a lonely girl trapped in this little haunted room is eating me alive.

It all started when I once was in high school. I was a popular girl sitting at the centre of my class where all of the boys surrounded me making jokes and conversation which I fitted well. I even invited a lonely girl friend over as well. Not only that, I came up to this one boy who doesn't join, even force him to join the fun. It changed when I had to move to Rawang. The darkest 2 years of my life, where my appearance was too clean and saint-like to their clouded minds and cheap looks. I made some friends though. But in the end, she backstabbed me and ignored me all of a sudden, in the perfect time too because I was moving away back to Bukit Jelutong. I thought it would be fine, but that drama traumatized me and left me scarred because I became quiet after that. This isn't the first time a girl friend treated me like shit. Throughout my life, I always had one girl best friend left me even by forced. After my best friend died it shut me up. She was the most beautiful person I have ever met. She died when I finished my Diploma. That was the last time I ever tried to be close to someone.

So, I turned to boys. My last line of defence! I've always comfortable around boys. Boys are fun to be with. No drama, they can make stupid jokes and I really enjoyed their company. It's best when they thought I liked them. Then I get these awesome presents. But the best ones are where they treat me like I'm their little sister. Then they'd give me lunch money or talk to them about boys problems. In every school I'm in, (which is enough and a huge contributing factor to my introvert behaviour), there's this always a guy who thought he had the chance, the protective brother, the clown who knew he had no chance but tried anyways, and the guy who just so happens to be there. Anywhere I go, I will always have these guys. It's fun. Until I met my husband of course. Which basically shut all possible chances in my social life, for which came this moment, right now, writing this damn post to fill my time.

So yeah. It's hard being an introvert. The unlucky introvert. There are no extrovert friends to the rescue, no first chance of meeting someone I could live with here, or even have lunch with every day (because I missed the orientation week) and a husband, who's allergic to boys near me somehow. You know the posts where alone time is important, they even invented an umbrella who had a barrier installed around you because it wasn't meant for rain, it was for people. For whereas I am here, hoping for a social magnet.

Do you have the so-called cure?

Now this is a damn story

Morning coffee really is the start of the day. I drank too much instant coffee, it makes my skin swollen from an insect bite. Or not? Either way, I blame the coffee. I started to appreciate life more and more each day. After what happened, what I am going through and what fate may lead me, I want to appreciate my days. Every day, I woke up, drink a cup of coffee and watch Gordon Ramsay on Hell's Kitchen while waiting for my husband to wake up. Wait, what???

Yes. I AM MARRIED. To the love of my life. The incident when we met where he gave me the ring, my engagement ring, scarred me for life as it went on. He never left my heart since that day. I could feel him close to me. My heart was warm again. Okay okay, I know this escalates quickly, from being hopeless and hopefully again at the last post to being married. Here's the thing, when you reached adulthood, time is money. I'm not saying blogging is a waste of time, but that is my excuse for not posting for so long. Why? Because of my life had turn upside down in the last 3 years. Literally. 

Calculating all the days I suffered, it's been nearly 2 years. Struggling to breathe every single day. I used to pray so hard my eyes hurt every morning from crying. "Keep calm with faith," they say. But you all know that's bullshit.

Not to God, astaghfirullah! Of course not. But to the attitude of burying the pain within by BELIEVING everything will be ok. That's not progress, that's called running away. I was never a happy girl, let's be honest. I have always struggled with new places, communication, friendship, egos and after the incident, I suffered from depression. It really took a deep part of me. It's where I lost all that I held most dear. I was never good at making choices either. But I knew deep in my heart that getting married was the best choice. Alhamdulillah, the process went well even though it hurts and I cried after the ceremony end because my father left me at the mosque and didn't look back as he goes.

My mother said I didn't love my family. That's why I decide to get married. But it's not that. I chose to get married because I love them and I don't want to keep hurting their feelings anymore. I can't cast my husband out of my life, it will break me and him permanently. I tried to be strong by myself but it slowly buries me from being who I am. I knew that if I still choose to leave him. So I didn't. I married him. 

Calm down people, I know you're still stuck with the "wait, what??" in your head. Let me explain. 

As soon as I posted my last post, I went on to continue my studies at UUM. It was a huge step for me because I was determined to never go back there. I lost everything there. But here I am, starting back my journey, but this time, without him. I was determined I will be okay here, alone. That was what I used to do, Forcing myself to do it instead of questioning how I feel about it. Maybe that's why I love him so much. He knew what I feel and do something about it without thinking about himself. Which is why he came straight to UUM after I called him because I was again caught up in a situation where my heart raced and my body crumbled to the floor, I went to a panic attack as soon as my family left. 

I was scared and alone at the time, I couldn't think. He happened to wish me good luck at that moment so I just called him without thinking. So there we were. Together again. 

My parents were furious after they found out. Nothing I can say will change how they feel. Betrayal. Till that point I was numb. I hurt the people I held most dear. Somehow I was thankful because it led me up to this point. Living my life to the fullest because I was myself again. I stop living in survival mode, I started to appreciate myself more, figuring out what I want instead of what I must do. I can't deny that the process is hurtful, not just in my part. But to all the people around me. But I felt free. I don't need to pretend I'm fine, hiding behind my baby sister's laughter. I even once felt that I don't belong in my family's house, I even asked them if I can have a drink. That's how lost I felt. But now, I feel loved. My husband treats me like a queen, cherish me, gives me warmth. It's a miracle. 

It's a gamble. Marriage is, in fact, a gamble. Because you chose a husband that you will bow down to, give full respect, live and struggle with. If he's a good person, then you're in good hands. Women are weak. It doesn't matter how tough they might be. That is why God gives you a husband to take care of you as you grow to live your life. He brought you to this world on your father's arms and married you off with your husband to take your father's place. I was lost, and I kept pretending I was on the right track because I chose my family instead of my self. At first, I didn't know I had to live with the feeling of not belonging. That's why I let other people choose the decision for me. But not anymore. People will judge my decisions. They still are, in silence. But I don't care. I chose myself. Because it is I who is living, have to wake up every morning, live my day and go through it all with my own thoughts and feelings. Do I want to go through it all by pretending? NO. 

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