Imperfection

As the days passes by, my insecurities keeps growing and it grew stronger each time I gazed my reflections at my bedroom mirror. The smudges and dust dots doesn't seem to cover the emptiness I see within me for which the reason why I refuse to wipe it clean. If not, girl how imperfect you are.
My tired heart is beating so slow ever since he left me. It scratched away the broken heart, leaving it shattered inside of me, that effects how I see myself, even without the mirror or even when I passed over a window in the streets or after I work out at the gym I applied at Plaza Bukit Jelutong. How helpless I was to think I would fool myself by looked more dashing and sexy could ever drag him back. Pathetic.

Enough about him, even though he started all this. It's my fault anyways. What a cruel karma that hit me and forever will be hitting me until I find the other One. 3 years, still none. No one would ever sweep the shattered pieces of my heart and glue it all together again. Not would, but could. No one could. That's the right way to say. It isn't fair for the boys who had come and go for the pass three years, all willingly, but don't have the chance to. I just couldn't let them see the imperfections of mine that shows my true colours of nothing but black and white. "She's a black and white type of girl". That's what I label my self, or more precise, the "all or nothing" type, as described by Buzzfeed, through the video they had posted on Youtube. It hit me hard like my ex hit me with his words "we can never worked out. Never".

And so I thought, single life is a better life. I can worry less about whether my phone is fully charged or what my plans for the weekend. The beauty and joy I felt that had risen, impacted by the absence of love towards opposite sex, has now filled with the love I focus on my family. They fill the joy I once appointed to my boyfriends, and they rejoiced the comfort I longed for just like my dad used to carried me to bed when I was 9, as I slept on the living room couch with the TV played Supernatural Season 1, Episode 1. Best times of my life.
But still I miss the bitter sweet memories I used to make with men I love. It's so beautiful it makes all the perfection in this world come true. And so it is, just like I said, it shouldn't be. The imperfections I felt dragged me down in chains. "You can catch me, don't you run! Don't you run" I whisper to whom God has granted our marriage.

My best friend once told me he had always doubt the man I fond for. He said it won't last a week or month if the guy is exceptionally handsome, or has a face of a celebrity I admire. I've always hated him for the truth he acknowledge. But I hated more for the thing I had realized which I have in me that I haven't known before. My feelings changes constantly. Not months but weeks. Weeks for me to like one guy and completely not the next day within seconds, after realizing their imperfection. Somehow one simple mistake they'd make or one simple pet peeve they have can shut my lust towards them. Not just them, but also their identical reality, as I would say (the man I completely fall for eventhough I don't before just because they have similar style or face!) Call me cruel call me perfect wannabe! I care no less of their mistakes or pet peeves, I just don't want my heart to be stump or thrown ever again. I just can't.

And so I took the easiest and the most regret decisions I constantly made, I gave up.

So save your explanations of why it don't work between us. I'm here to say it all. It is me who walked away.

As the memories uncreated, the men rejected. I dance my own stage. Happily, creepily. As I made my own decisions and made my own path. I'd filled my head with knowledge and stress my heart with the failure I'll endure. I freaked out. No man can ever be alone, or you'll end up feeling lonely yet wise like Albert Einstein. But how could I fill my heart with all the imperfections presence inside of me? It won't go away.

Here I am, not knowing how to light the night, to help us grow. As the imperfections dragged me down in chains.

The one thing that matters,

When you think of all the years passed by, after all those hatred and distress. Lesson learned. Somehow you manage to put your feet on the ground and dance the night away. New friends new lovers. Everything that you ever dreamed of, disappear when you wake up. Just how fast the night changes. People would say 'life is full of ups and downs'. But did you ever embrace those moments of redemption and take a chance to be thankful for whoever stood next to you still? Or you just blaming human nature to forget what brings you up and plan revenge on what brings you down? What a life.

When I got accepted to pursue my diploma in Polytechnic Shah Alam, I feel devastated because my goal was to go so far from home to be on my own, like a silly adolescence girl. But looking back, I wonder how grateful I am to come home from class everyday and see my mother's face, taste my mother's cooking, seeing my dad's return from work. How sucks would it be if I miss all that. Call me old fashioned but, that's what makes my day even more brighter. Not only that, I got the chance to avoid one thing I found unimaginably annoying, roommates. One of my classmates, lived here with her boyfriend. Sharing everything but clothes they wear to class, a group of girls lived in front of a dozens of boys's apartment where they could kiss and make out just by knocking on their door. A bitch who covers only her breast and lady parts with expensive clothes bought at Mango to impress her boyfriend whilst on the weekend, went home to her parents house like a true Muslimah as she always is at home before she moved.

Looking at these girls makes me sick and thankful I got to say I have curfew to avoid late night parties and dates. Cruel world. But one thing I prayed for them everyday that they realize for how much trouble they got into, the first person they'll think of is their parents. Surviving college is one thing. Confronting your parents is another. Every time I look at my mother's eyes, I see sympathy and love. Will I still see it when I want to marry because my boyfriend's sperm caught in one of my eggs? Will my dad be proud when I said I need extra money to repeat my paper as a result of temporary entertainment? Why do I even bother to tell them in the first place?

Being a good daughter is my top priority. My mom wants me to not be a silly beautiful girl, wandering of with the wrong man. My dad wants me to succeed so that I can take care of myself when my husband decided to go MIA. Somehow in everything I see, I see them waving at me, at the end of the road. Expecting greatness in the most naive way. I feel like I owe them. For they own me.

There you go. You'd aware on what I was mumbling about for the last 10 minutes reading this stupid innocent post. Friends are replaceable, lover is only a shadow of your greatness. But family.. Family is the one thing you don't want to miss because God has decided not to put a rewind button. Soon we'll be on our own so why should you speed up the passe and leave them? A boy I met, neglect his mother just because he decided to "blame" his father's for cheating. You called that blame? Leaving everything behind and start a life in a pet shop seems to be a great idea huh? What a life. A friend of mine kept saying he's adopted every time he felt desolate whilst his parents busy working to make extra money for a trip to Paris next month for the whole family while I enjoy watching TV with family members and cherish those family dinner at our favorite western restaurant near Cheras where we used to live at one of the flats that cost RM500 per month for rental, feeling grateful as ever.

Think about it ladies and gents. Who will accept you at your worst and celebrate at your best? If not your family. The ones that gave you the world and be there when you caught your last breath.

Something New,

"Assumption is The Mother of all fuck ups"

A quote taken from the movie Sanctum. About a boy who's been forced by his ignorant yet caring father to go on a journey guided by experience, leads to hope. Hope of finding a way out from an unexplored cave. I watch this movie everyday, twice a day if I could fit it in to my schedule. Why am I so obsessed with this story? A story filled with hope and discipline. A story that denies assumptions in the most fuck up way? Whilst assumption leads to ideas, new path and ways to create such hope that strengthens the things we truly believed in. Why?

I consider my life as a maze. A maze where it involves lot of confusion and decision making to find the one and only exit for which I knew, there will only be one way out. That's the one thing why I enjoy watching Sanctum. In such agony and panic, discipline is the most important thing. Why should you question an experience person at his most suited situation to back up your inexperience behavior and immaturity? My dad used to say to me " you're the outspoken in the family ". I remembered his words at the exact place in the exact time. Even though I'm not one of his 'darlings' in the family, I wish I could hear more from him. Like Josh said in Sanctum, " assumption is the mother of all fuck ups ". All I can hope for is find the hidden path, it'll lead me out from this maze where I know, my dad will be waiting for me at the exit. All I can ever assume, is by the time I arrive, he'll still be there. 

My dad has been in insurance industry for more than 15 years. He knows everything there is to know about this area. He master all the pros and cons as he had face it all. He got promoted, kicked out from a job. He sat as an unemployed labor and had enjoy is employment gloriously. And then he decides to drag me in to his victory. But there I am, just a student who is studying diploma in insurance. He expects a bucket-full from me whilst I'm waiting for my brain to be filled with insurance knowledge. So I thank you Sanctum, for teaching me to obey the master and follow the guideline. Because everyone is born stupid. It is up to us whether to change and become a somebody, or stay that way.

How boring my life can be? A single woman driven by her father through a journey on a single path. How could I possibly focus on something else, a boy perhaps where he could be the distraction? Well bitches, that is another thing why I watched Sanctum. That 17 years old Josh is dang HOT. My best friend would say "you and hot guys will never be apart". What can I say? I'm a single girl with needs. What the fuck is wrong with that? hahaha. But hotness doesn't complete the plate right? You can't just eat proteins without fat and carbs. Where's balance to that? Relationship is something you have for fun. But that doesn't mean you can't have fun with yourself. Motivation and self-confidence. That's the key to full time happiness. How can you enjoy life when you don't appreciate your own presence? Through my experience dating, I finally appreciate myself and mentally dating Josh. Heii what can I say? I'm a girl with needs. Dating a celebrity seems to work without getting my heart broken. 

Despite the journey being set up by dad, I still long for drastic entertainment. The movie Sanctum which suits my interest in watching adventurous movie. "Why do you guys watch something that is not entertaining?" my dad would say every time he saw me watching those kind of movies. Sanctum, The Conjuring, Sinister, and other psycho thrilling movies. I showed to the world I love drastic synopsis movies. But I also want a drastic adventure. So far I haven't been in any. Sad life right? Well assumptions is the mother of all fuck ups. If you're an adventurous person, please give me a call, because you're about to meet your new adventure partner anytime soon. Haha! 

Another heart...

" It's you! The answer will always be you. "

I said to myself, realizing how stupid I am to be in this position. How horrible I am compare to the perfection he held. " Another good boy you're ruining ", I screamed in my head. Poor fellow. He deserves the universe but instead he is stuck with you. Those words kept yelling in my head over and over again. Another let down. Another heart.

Relationship never did succeed with my presence. Others think one year is the starting point but for me that's a victory. A victory for which I survived the chaos. The chaos playing in my head. No matter how much I try, it's never enough. How I wish love was enough to fill up the emptiness in me. How many hopes I have to bury to keep us alive? How many dreams I have to kill to make you smile? What is wrong with you, Syafinaz Zamry? Please tell me.

From the moment I said 'okay', I knew, things would be different. The way he look at me will change and the words he'll say would never be the same. From the moment I agree to give love a chance I knew, is there any more love to give? Will sorrow and tears clouded the prettiest in me? Less than a month I began to feel, how heartbroken I am. I've never felt lonely than ever. The last time I feel this way was a year ago, where I cried continuously while picking up the broken pieces shattered inside of me.

Why does this happen? Why should I feel this way when the person who is here for me willing to love me, to take care of me, to held my broken heart. Stop this nonsense! The answer will always be you. You let him in when you know there's no hope. When you know you're not strong enough to give it another shot. You were blindfolded by his perfection and now you are hurt by his minor imperfection. The answer will always be you, Syafinaz Zamry.

Perfection, defined who he is. He can have anyone he wants whenever he wants. His kindness is beyond what I could ever describe. He is the most perfect person I've ever met. But sadly he tend to make the worst decision he could possibly do, is by choosing me. What am I? Dear brain please tell me. You seem to know it all so please say something that would make this heart stop hoping. Hoping for happiness, clumsiness as I enjoy my relationship with no worries whatsoever. Why can't I just be stress-free? What could possibly go wrong? Easy. The answer will always be you. 

Maybe love was never meant for you. Because love is all about sharing, care for each other, letting people in to your heart, hope for them, trust them and love them endlessly. And not one of those you willing to try.
People would describe you as a logic thinker. You seem to take the easy way as long as you're there without unnecessary difficulties. You throw you take whatever you seem to be the best way. And love was never to be taken, was it? 

Another let down. Another heart. You wasted him, heartlessly... 

Should I?

As the clock strike 12 I can feel my self stepping into the year of 2015 with pride and glory. Knowing I wasn't the same person I was before, I smiled endlessly, seeing the clock went pass 12.01 am. " I did it ".
Nobody knows me better than I do, truly I'm a mess. A beautiful clumsy messed up by this unforgiving lovable world. I pursue my life with unbearable broken hearted alone, with my mask on. I smile I wept, I laugh I scream. I live.

Despite the crazy ride in this roller coaster of life, I somehow find my path. With a help of a loving hand from my mother and sisters. I'm like a bird, learning how to fly. I never knew any person who find New Year is a big deal like I do. For it is my starting point to happiness and change. Without my girls I'll never make it this far. Their sympathy is beyond what I expected to receive. They're my angels sent from God. How lucky I am.

I became a mother's girl. Since my last breakup I thought I'll live my miserable life alone but as each day passes by I always caught my mom and sisters beside me, smiling. I love them more than joy could ever give as for it I share with them alone. Because they're all I had and still are. I love them so much.

Friend is no longer a priority. Their trust is just a glimpse of uncertainty and sorrow. So few had come and many went away. What's my flaws? I kept asking myself over and over again for they never revealed why. They just left. My so called 'friend' who is the same gender as I am would just left without explanation, the opposite, well they wanted more. This conspicuous truth led me to one place I find to be a solution, home. At home, I can be myself. My crazy self as my sisters would say. Home is where I love to be whenever I feel lost. Its warmth and silence, I wish it could last a lifetime. Truth to be told, it was never just home, it's the people live in it also. They're my home I just want to take them every where. Which explains why I only go out on a movie or lunch with them and only them. They're my home.

It's already February. People called it the month of love. My favorite channel, Food Network keep advertising the love month all day long. Chocolates and treats. Pink and red. Amusing yet disgusted. Love? Pfftt...
I'm done with love. But reality always play tricks on us yes? They got bored with us they ask fantasy to play its game for a while. I was on my way to the bank to withdraw my salary. Spending it on my mom's birthday as we're on our way to Time Square on that saturday morning, along with my elder sisters. As I walk towards the bank I saw Asya's crush at the next shop. Laugh with such cruelness, Wani said "I told you so". Later on, I went back to the car, looked at 'Wolverine' again, I saw him. I immediately screamed "Such a handsome man, he is!". It was Wolverine's brother. Quite charming.

But it doesn't stop there. Asya gave my number to him and we text all night long. He's hilarious! He's like a modern Romeo with a twist of humor. Instead we died in the end of the movie, he'll pull of an incredibly stupid move and I'll follow, we live happily ever after. Nobody dies. As days passes by, his humor continue to entertain me. He kept asking for my 'yes' but I'll always give him a 'maybe'. Because I'm not ready. I don't know. Should I?